BREAKING NEWS - MUGABE LEADS INTERNATIONAL 'BREAKDANCE FOR PEACE' TOUR.

'Many people condemn me as a demented despot but this is my opportunity to show my 'fun side'' said Robert Mugabe today as he took a short break from eating human flesh.  Mugabe now insists on being referred to as 'MC Bob 'Crazylegs' Mugabe' and is lead dancer in a troupe of breakers, b-boys and poppers collectively called 'MC Bob and the Boogaloo Cru'.  They are due to appear at several prestigious dance festivals in between Mugabe's torture and oppression commitments.

'Now watch this windmill!' said Mugabe as his bodyguards opened fire on journalists.



ROSE WEST TO BECOME NEW FACE OF ESTEE LAUDER

'We felt it was time for a change' said a spokesponce, 'Rose is the perfect example of the modern woman, she takes no shit and stands by her man, whether he's working in a bank or burying corpses in his garden'

Rose West was unavailable for comment as she was busy making a lampshade out of human skin.


BILL GATES 'BULLIED BY BETTER LOOKING BILLIONAIRES'

In an emotional outburst at his luxury 200,000 room mansion yesterday, Bill Gates claimed he was the target for a sustained campaign of bullying and intimidation orchestrated by 'better looking billionaires'.  Gates, internationally famous for being the world's richest and dullest man, said 'they call me 'nerd' and 'poindexter', one of them brought sand from his private tropical island and kicked it in my face'.  Bullying amongst the wealthy elite is a growing problem, last January Alan Greenspan complained that Apple CEO Steve Jobs had stuck a 'kick me' sign to his back during a charity event.  Gates has vowed to end the bullying campaign and is in talks with his Dad who Gates believes 'Can beat anyone up'.



HOLOGRAM OF NOTORIOUS B.I.G. BECOMES HEAD OF FAILING SCHOOL

Parents and Governors at St Barry's High School in Hackney, London have voted overwhelmingly for a hologram of murdered fat rapper Notorious B.I.G to become headmaster at the school which has consistently failed OFSTED inspections.

Staff have expressed concern at having to take orders from a hologram which believes all women are ho's and any argument can be settled with gunplay.  Pupils at the school are more positive however, Chardonnay Birtwhistle, 13, momentarily put down her bong to declare the new headmaster 'a tru playa' while her friend Boops Upsideyahed 14, insisted that 'Biggie's the shiznit, innit?'

At his first press conference, the new head was quick to silence his critics 'Any bitch ass fools come disrespect Notorious the mach 10 gonna whack dem' before demanding champagne, blunts and 50 strippers be sent to his office.



NEWS IN BRIEF

£1 MILLION RESEARCH PROJECT FINDS PUBLIC TRANSPORT 'STINKS OF PEE AND IS FULL OF WEIRDOS'

RUMSFELD HEAD REVOLVES 360 DEGRESS DURING PRESS CONFERENCE

GEORGE BUSH 'HAS STOPPED TALKING TO GOD'.  'HE KEEPS CALLING ME 'ASS-HOLE'' SAYS BUSH.

WEAK 'ONION' PARODIES ON THE INCREASE. 'WE'D SUE IF ANYONE WAS READING THEM' SAYS EDITOR.