OSAMA TO SUE

Celebrity terrorist Osama Bin Liner has sued a US company over his recent order he placed on their website for 200 self-inflating life size dolls.

"I have sued 'Playthings' under The Trades Description Act" he said referring to the distributer yesterday. 'Playthings' is an internet based company that sells sex toys, bondage gear and viagra.

The extraordinary events started when Osama misunderstood the promotional wording on the company's website, which claims that the self-inflating dolls 'blow themselves up'. High ranking Al Quaeda officials had secretly hoped to unleash the dolls in public places, such as tube stations, pubs and double-deckers, disguised under Burkhas. However, dummy runs in their cave ended in extreme disappointment when the dolls merely inflated.

PRESCOTT PLAYS THE JOKER

John Prescott's lewd conduct trial took a turn yesterday, as his defence lawyers played the 'thick git' card. Prescott is facing accusations from a former high ranking female Labour MP that in the Spring of 2004, after inviting her into his conference room, he opened a copy of 'Big Knockers' magazine, exposed his genitals to her, before manually stimulating them with his right hand.

At the time, the unnamed lady MP was considering suing the magazine after it printed pictures of her sunbathing topless in her backyard. His lawyers challenged that due to him being a 'thick git', he had merely misunderstood his peers request to 'get round the table and have a mass debate' over the issue.

MUSHARAFF DENIES ACCUSATIONS

Pakistani Prime Minister Musharaff has denied rumours that he secretly requested the United States 'bomb Pakistan into the Stone Age'.

"I can categorically deny that I made this request. Where this vicious rumour started I do not know. I admit it would be nice to see the country upgraded like this, but at no time did I request it."

US President George Bush backed his friends version of events. "It's true, there was talk of us helping get Pakistan up into a Stone Age level of development by carpet bombing, but it was my idea, not his." he said.