BRITISH PRISONS ARE SLUMS

The British Prison Service was slammed last night as being 'filthy, vermin ridden slums' by independent Watchdog 'Cell Watch'. Leader of the organisation, Mr. Paul Geoffrey said "British prisons today are in a terrible state. They're full of murderers, rapists and all other forms of low life you can imagine. I've not seen so many criminals in one place since my last trip to Anfield. It's certainly not a place I'd like to take my family. They've become a breeding ground for criminals and junkies. Blackpool is a much safer option for bank holiday weekends, especially when there's no Jocks about."

The probe was initiated when one prisoner upon release, revealed to Cell Watch that there was 'a lot of vermin' in the prison he had just left. He later clarified his comments, stating he had thoroughly enjoyed his time inside, where he had internet access, a dvd player and regular anal jiggery pokery. When referring to vermin, he had meant the sex offenders on E-wing. 

POSH SPICE DOES NOTHING

Victoria Beckham AKA Posh Spice has sensationally not done anything this week. The amazing revelation came from an close confidant of the Beckham's who refuses to be named. However, prior to going to watch her husband Ashley Cole play for his new team Chelsea, the secret source revealed that during the past week Victoria has neither:

* Got drunk and been helped to stand up by some bloke in a suit;

* Walked down a street with huge sunglasses and 'pokey' nipples;

* Bought any houses;

* Spent wads of cash on designer stuff and walked down a street carrying 15 bags; 

* Inadvertantly flashed her knickers whilst climbing out of a car.

The Beckhams PR Guru Max Clifford was quick to rubbish the rumours, and offered the following statement. "For the record, both David and Victoria would like to categorically deny these malicious fabricated falsities, and would point to the fact that they spent 1200 quid in The Ivy last Wednesday on alcohol alone, and Vicky went to visit her mum and she wasn't even wearing her wedding ring!"

HAMMOND RESILIENT AS EVER

Gerbil faced ex - Top Gear presenter Richard Hammond is determined to revive his career, once he recovers from his near - fatal accident last week. Filming for the hit BBC show, Hammond strapped himself to a jet proppelled smartie tube on wheels, and lost control at around 315 mph, forcing rescue crews to scrape him off the advertising hoardings and rush him to nearby Leeds General Infirmary, known locally as 'Jimmy's'. Ironically, the ambulance never got above 35 mph due to the busy Leeds traffic.

Speaking from his iron lung, Hammond, with a bit of luck 38 later this year, mumbled of his next daring venture, tentatively planned for June 2007. "Jeremy says the show must go on, so we're planning to go for the World Record wheelchair jump. As I've lost a few of me marbles I'm probably the best candidate for the job. It's currently held by a bloke from Cleethorpes, who successfully cleared 3 bicycles. Using a jet borrowed from an old F1-11 fighter, I'm going for 15 double decker buses, if I can get a decent run up."

We asked whether or not he was concerned for his safety, he shook his head before immitating a sheep 'baa-ing', and then doing a feeble W. C. Fields impression, for some bizarre reason.