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Not News
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| Chelmsford violence | |
| By paulwalker | ||||||||||
| 02 October 2006 | ||||||||||
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This is a news story involving a certain person.
Trevor MacDonald presenting the news at 10 (or whatever)
‘And the main headline; today in the normally peaceful town of Chelmsford in Essex a man was brutally beaten to within an inch of his life by an angry mob. His crime? Nothing more than having an apparently unpleasant body odor.’
‘Our on the scene correspondent, Michael Walker reports’
Michael is standing in front of the entrance to Chelmsford General Hospital
Trevor: (talking to Michael on the live feed) can you tell us a bit more about what happened here today?
Michael; well yes indeed Trevor. Eye witnesses report that an unarmed man was set upon by a deranged mob some time this afternoon in the high street. Our witness tells us that the man endured what can only be described as an horrendous amount of physical abuse.
Trevor; and do we know what provoked this attack Michael?
Michael: well im not sure provoke is quite the right word Trevor, apparently the man in question was omitting a smell so bad it drove the crowd into a violent frenzy.
Trevor; can you tell us more about this smell and what was so very maddening about it?
Michael; well many of those who were subject to the odor went on to become part of the attack and are therefore currently in police custody, but others who were not able to join the affray due to disability or geographical restrictions describe an unearthly quality about the stench that came off this man, something so foul as to almost be not of this world. Religious leaders are playing down any fundamental connations but there is a feeling in this town today that something unholy walked the streets.
There is one word that has been common in all the reports however.
Trevor: and that word is?
Michael: Cabbage Trevor, rancid cabbage.
Trevor: And what sort of condition is the victim in at this stage?
Michael: well we hear from sources within the hospital that although the level of injuries he sustained could easily have been enough to kill a man, he is bearing well. It appears this is not the first time he has been subject to such an attack and has perhaps developed a certain level of resilience.
In fact, we can just see him behind us now.
The camera pans round slightly and we see Cabbageman bandaged to the hilt leaning out of his window trying to light a cigarette.
Trevor: Well that appears an encouraging sign.
Michael: Yes, it looks as though….
Suddenly Michael stops in mid sentence and a confused look moves over his face. His face and nose in particular begin to twitch and convulse, as if some powerful agent has met his nasal sense.
Trevor: are you alright Michael?
Michael looks up at the camera for a moment, then back at the window where cabbageman is half way through his smoke.
‘Jesus H mother and Mary Joseph on a fucking bike, what is that stench???’
Aarrrggghhh’
Michael then drops his microphone and run at full speed towards cabbagemans ground floor window. He seizes cabbageman and proceeds to drag him from his window onto the concrete floor beneath. The camera zooms in as Michael walker begins to pound his foot down on cabbagemans already bandaged head. Michael cries a deranged sound as again and again his boot heel connects sharply to cabbagemans face and neck. He then produces a pen from his pocket and thrusts it with force into the cabbagemans exposed throat. In and out it jabs, as spray of crimson blood shoots into the air, as he repeatedly punts cabbage man on the nose and in the ribs and groinal area.
Hospital staff run out to join in the kicking as members of the public, also subject to the stench, run over to their bit as cabbagemans broken frame is once again beaten into a ruined pulp, this time on national TV.
We go back to the studio where Trevor is watching the feed. The feed ends and he turns back to the camera, shuffles his papers slightly and says:
‘And now for tonight’s football results….’
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