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Poetry
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The Unknown rewritten
By ellipinnock
03 October 2006
I'm having disagreements with this poem. I'm really not happy with the original so I've done two rewrites. I'm not sure they are any better but I'm sure there's a half-decent poem lurking here somewhere

Abrogation of a responsibility
Comes dancing hand in hand it seems
With transparency and accountability

This polysyllabic cacophony of emptiness
Discovered only by delving
Through layers of apparent happiness.

Assumption of superiority, foolish and futile.
Patronage as benevolence
Disguised without sufficient wile.

This human need to know, explain and understand
Pales into gibberish; insignificant
Dwarfed by that which lies beyond our grasping hand.

Reviews

Written by ellie-jelly (15 comments posted) 3rd October 2006
 
This version I find a little easier to understand, but the boldness (well I found it to sound more bold) of the other version really caught my attention more. I'd love to see the other rewrite.

Written by Phil (6435 comments posted) 3rd October 2006
Liked the other one Eli, but liked this better. It's a little clearer. My previous review was so short as was not sure I got it. (I can be slow) This is clearer, without being obvious and reads smoother. The only line that I wasn't sure about was the end of verse two. Again, that could be my stupidity. 
 
You've retained that quality that demands this be read aloud. 
 
All the best, 
 
Phil.

Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 4th October 2006
I haven't read the other one yet but i enjoyed this. It was subtle enough to allow for ambiguity for those who wish to delve deeper, yet clear enough to be understood by those who just want to read and enjoy. The only thing i will say, is that for a short poem, i felt it was a little too 'wordy'. No offense intended but i find sometimes with wordy poems, the writer can come of a little arrogant. Think you've just avoided this here. 
Well done :)

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 4th October 2006
Hi Gill 
 
I do like this version but you are right, it is a little wordy, especially as most of the words are quite long. 
 
Thanks 
 
Elli 

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