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Poetry
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Shopping List
By francoise
03 October 2006
Have you got too many things to do today?



  
I have too many tapes to listen to

I have too many pens to write

too many about to come out

ideas

I have too many paperbacks

to sit down on my bed with

and die with love about

There are too many ants on

the floor of this house

for me to sensibly count

to write clearly about

and I have too many photos

to want to rip apart and

throw away in the fire

To look at each one of those faces

In the eyes and say a

meaningful farewell to

I have way too many

obscene thoughts about you

without wanting to not

want it and admire my

new found moral self for it.

I have had too many coffees

today

the thought of something

absurd in surreal dreams too

many

and there are too many games

I still need to play

with you.


 

Reviews
Hi francoise
Written by ellipinnock (1786 comments posted) 3rd October 2006
I found the lack of punctuation in this made it very difficult to read. It's quite an interesting idea but for me, adding some punctuation and breaking the structure up a little bit would give the reader space to actually consider the message you're trying to get across. 
 
All the best 
 
Elli
Nope..
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 3rd October 2006
Totally agree with Ellie. 
 
Poetry- verse writing- is about wordcraft/measure. Not chucking words about. Quintessentilly this is prose in disguise. Downpage instead of across. Poor stuff. 
 
Slan! 

Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 3rd October 2006
I think the lack of punctuation lends a cluttered, chaotic feel to the poem which works well, though I'm not an expert on poetry. I liked the sudden ending but I found the fourth line and the lines "the thought of something/  
absurd in surreal dreams too/many" didn't fit with the everyday activities decribed in the rest of the piece. Otherwise I enjoyed this a lot.

Written by francoise (129 comments posted) 3rd October 2006
you are right I have to say, though gutterkitty was correct to observe the chaotic feel, I sacrificed (no, not sacrificed, ignored rather) technique and coherent meaning as a result. I hope i havent in any way given the impression of abusing the sacred laws of poetry as GC mentioned! 
Will work on it again and lay my words down more gently this time. Thanks for the compliment GK. Ive considered your thoughts. Let me know what you think next time round. 
 
 
Francoise

Written by Phil (6959 comments posted) 3rd October 2006
Still following Elli. Still agree. 
 
All the best, 
 
Phil.

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