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Poetry
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Variations on a Theme
By ellipinnock
03 October 2006
I apologise for boring you with my indecision :) Here is the second rewrite of 'The Unknown' by request. I think this one is less comprehensible and the weakest of the 3 attempts.

Admonition,
Freely given.
Hollow.
Riven with
Plastic smiles.

Abrogate
Responsibility
Then
Advocate
Transparency and
Accountability

Discover the
Polysyllabic
Cacophony
Of emptiness.
Delve through
Layers of
Unassuming
Happiness.

Superiority?
An assumption.
Foolish.
Futile.
Benevolent
Patronage?
A ruse.
Too often
Disguised with
Insufficient
Wile.

The human
Drive
To know
Explain
And Understand
Pales into
Insignificant
Gibberish
Dwarfed by that
Which lies
Beyond
Our grasping
Hand.

Reviews

Written by ellie-jelly (15 comments posted) 3rd October 2006
When I read this aloud, it sets me in mind, for a lack of a better term, those cafe poets - you know the ones with the berets and the excessive loud voices. I don't think that'd be quite the angle you're going for, though some people do find that style thought provoking. The 2 last stanzas sound like it's a machine processing a request - that I like. Especially with the 3rd stanza, it's almost like that one had been simplified, though that's just how I read into it. 
 
Work with the other two I'd say.  
 
Sorry I don't have any advice, just providing some observations. I have no idea if any of that would help you.

Written by Phil (6828 comments posted) 3rd October 2006
Wish you'd make your mind up! Now I'm undecided. I liked the question and answer element of this. It worked well for me. The line I struggled with before, now makes more sense. (but I don't think you've changed the words) 
 
Perhaps the lesson is - good work, different styles for different people. 
 
Enjoyed this one too. 
 
On another note; I've followed you up the poetry forum tonight and found I've agreed with every word you've written. Perhaps it's not different styles, different people. Maybe there is a right and wrong. 
 
All the best, 
 
Phil.

Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 4th October 2006
I agree with what has been said above in that in a style there is no right nor wrong, it's more subjective. From what i know of your writing i would say this style is less 'you' and i preferred the one previous. However something i liked about this also, was the questioning. Let us know what you decide upon!

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 4th October 2006
Deciding is the problem.. Thanks to all. 
 
Elli

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