There was no nuclear holocaust in Kettering to day. This brings it into line with other Northamptonshire towns which have also not suffered nuclear holocausts in recent months. "This doesn’t meant that we are in any way complacent” said a local councillor. 

 
Dr Jones is the latest in a line of doctors to be struck off for prescribing domestic cleaning products to their patients. He claimed he was “pushing the envelope” in patient care and had nothing to do with shares he owned in Boots. He was only discovered when a patient tried to overdose on Mr Sheen.

 
The cuts in military budgets are starting to bite and the armed forces have responded with typical fighting bravado and taken a leaf out of the charities book and are augmenting their income with bring and buy sales, Tombolas and craft fairs. The army are  hoping to raise enough for  a new stinger missile. They were particularly pleased with their  range of  stalls; the coconut shy was especially popular, though the grenade launchers did make a bit of a mess of the coconuts, causing some collateral damage on the ice cream stall. The shooting gallery raised a large sum and the armour piercing bullets made short work of targets but a stray bullet ricocheted off a Dundee cake on the WI stall and took out a prize-winning marrow. It was dismissed by a spokesman as a “friendly fire” incident. Everyone agreed that the Morris dancing was livened up greatly by the use of anti-personnel mines. A short service is to be held later at the village church for old "peg leg" Barton. They were very pleased with the final total. The air-force were not so lucky. They fell short of their target: to get enough for a euro jet-fighter. They admit to a shortfall of 38 million nine hundred thousand but are very hopeful as they are still waiting for the proceeds of the Tombola and raffle 

 
With the approach of Halloween night the killjoys and safety nazis are at it again criticising a bit of innocent fun. A spokesman for Toys R us said  “What’s the world coming to if you can’t send  little kids  out at night in make-up and fetish clothes to beg sweets off strangers, only a sick mind could see harm in that” as he sold some day-glo lipstick to a 7 year old.