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Poetry
House
By gutterkitty
03 October 2006
As one of four siblings I am used to a busy home and I sometimes miss that big family feeling, now that I am living in an empty house. I'm not sure if the mixed metaphors and short lines work but I like it all the same.

The room is empty.
He came while I was still at school,
Packed up his bony hugs and
Curly-at-the-edges smile.
I used to be one of four,
A litter that would fight over my mother's pancakes
At Sunday lunch. We'd bicker like new, wrinkled chicks,
And guard our rooms like
Lipsticked, clothe-borrowing
Naked photographed
Dogs. There was never enough food
or money
or time
For all of us,
And we all wished we were an only child.
Now my brother has left,
Tripping over his bony hugs and
Weighed heavy under curly smiles,
He forgot to say goodbye.

Reviews
thoughtful
Written by francoise (129 comments posted) 3rd October 2006
I come from a big family too (four siblings) so I could feel every word brimming with loss and love as though it came from me. I LOVED the line "we'd bicker like new wrinkled chicks" the similar sounding words (sorry dont know what the technical word for this is... alliteration?) were expertly applied. Its a very human piece of work. I felt the last line from the end could be re worded, " weighed heavy under curly smiles" didnt seem to sit right with me, and the last line sounded just a little bit corny and abrupt. Otherwise a lovely little piece. 
 
Well done 
 
Francoise
hmm then again
Written by francoise (129 comments posted) 3rd October 2006
actually the line next to the last is'nt so bad after all! take another look at the ninth and tenth line, I think the sentence was swallowed up by too many adjectives here. 
 
Just a thought 
 
Francoise
Lovely...
Written by Talisker (1315 comments posted) 3rd October 2006
I was one of six... 
 
Its cute that you miss your brother...it will fade with time. 
 
We can chose our friends but unfortunately not our family! 
 
I wish I'd had a sister to miss me! 
 
Oli.

Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 4th October 2006
thanks for your comments francoise and Talisker :) They're much appreciated.  
 
francoise- I glad you liked the second to last line in the end! I like all the adjectives, my house was always really chaotic and messy and they illustrate that.  
I agree that the last line is a bit corny- do you have any suggestions for a better ending?  
 
Talisker- I've never got along with my brother particularly well, but I miss him nonetheless!

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