Looking back I wonder what its all been about, I have reached an age when I should be finally enjoying life, but am I? NO!

When I was young I used to sing the Doris Day song "What ever will be wil be" (not the real title I know but French never was my strong point! Anyway, that song came back to me the other day, I thought well after all this time I still don't know answers to many questions, who does?

I married at 21 and after a very short time had a son, he was everything to me, we played we laughted, and I thought that things just couldn't get any better, he was very clever (all parents think that, I know) But I truely thought that I was well & truely blessed with a little chap, who seemed to take life so well and enjoy every moment. My husband and I didn't really "Gell" We were okay, but his moods were  very bad. I had to accept those and  that he never wanted to go to work, would stay at home even if he didn't have anything wrong with him, and I worried about the finances and how we would pay for everything.

We managed to move with the help of his parents and soon we were expecting our second child, another boy, this time not so friendly, not so loving, but he had problems and we all had to be aware of them.

From the age of sixteen months he had fits, endless nights of taking him into the bathroom and sponging him down with tepid water, and when he wasn't having fits he was screaming and running around the house shouting monsters were after him. My husband had found a job and work shifts, so many times he was never there to experience the night time traumas, but our youngest son adored him, always wanted "Daddy" never me, but I leant to accept the situation and just hoped that one day we would get through.

Our eldest son continued to be kind and gentle and helped with his brother, he was always so happy, so it came as a terrible shock when he changed, I have no idea when or what changed him, at the time I put it down to "Teenage years" but in my mind I wondered if I had made a terrible mistake along the way and had caused this polite easy going child into a difficult uncaring, un-loving teenager. My husband felt we needed a holiday, so he booked for us to go to America for six weeks, and off we went, "Holiday of a life-time" and that was what it turned out to be, the rows that we had at home continued, and all he kept saying was "I have paid for this you will enjoy it" It was hard to enjoy a holiday to order!

Our eldest son ran away, the first time when he was fourteen, I just didn't know what to do, I rang all his friends and couldn't get my husband to take some form of control of the situation, he just felt that if he wanted to go he would go. At 2.00am a phone call, "Mum I'm at Shepperton Station, please pick me up" Now I love mercy dashes, and without a thought I was in the car & away, my husband stayed in bed, couldn't see the point in us both dashing off, and although our youngest son was old enough to be left, he wouldn't come with me.

We arrived home and all the usual appologies and saying sorry we got to bed about 5. In the morning all was calm, so I lulled my self into a false sence of security that we had crossed over the barrier and we would be okay, and for a long time we were, then he found a girlfriend, again he was off, this time we got a call from Scotland, asking for money to get home, he had taken my car so I wasn't about to send money, we drove to Scotland, what a jouney of a Tuesday afternoon, all the way I kept hoping that this would be the last time as he always seemed to be okay then would just take off without a word, he would wait till we were at work, then go.

Driving back I fell asleep, and was woken up by my husband asking me if I had seen the boat!!! Hello have we lots the plot, we are on the M1, not too many boats pass along there in a day, I said pull over quick! We went into a service station and he told me that he was sure a large boat had passed us with people screaming. I drove the rest of the way home!

The next morning on the television they said the Estonia had run into problems and that people were screaming and shouting, my husband said that was the boat that over took us on the m1, I began to worry!

Our son didn't return with us, but drove back alone the next morning, leaving his girlfriend in Scotland and returned with a letter from her, saying she was returning my son to me, he needed to be with me. I found it odd but welcomed him home. My husband was less than impressed, and it transpired that he had spent a couple of weeks taking our son's girlfriend out and about, whilst I was at work. He seemed devestated that she had gone. I passed it over and we again all settled down, I must add that still my youngest son and I had no real conversation between us, he would be like his father, wouldn't go to school, and when he finally got a job it lasted no more than two weeks.

Life was hard, I felt that we all lived together but not as a family, more as 4 people living in the same house, all individuals who just happened to be related. I was working full time & my husband and son's were not! I also had a business that I ran and would leave work to continue with that till the early hours, just so we could pay bills and live.

I came home from work one day and a phone call was waiting, it was the bank asking me to confirm that I would pay my husbands debts. I was angry, and upset that he had even suggested as an idea, how did he think I was going to pay them, but he said he had lent me £150 fifeteen years previous and I could help him out, the money was for a  push chair for our son, I had forgotten that I was supposed to pay it back, well to be honest I wasn't aware that I needed to, but he remined me. I didn't pay his £2000 dedt, and then he said he wanted nothing else to do with me.

My life fell apart, but worse was yet to come, he was having nothing else to do with me because he was seeing a girl I worked with, I was unaware of the situation untill one day when we visited my sister less than two miles from our home, she asked if my husband could go in her car as she didn't know the way home! Then one  Saturday she rang to say she was lost! I said "Stay lost," and slammed the phone down now if thats not bad enough, she went to school with our sons years previous, so at seventeen & twenty our sons had to come to terms with their father dating someone from school. He had no shame, used to bring her to the house, sit in the lounge and taught her to make tea and cook.  I tried so hard to find a way to get him back, but where was the point, he had made up his mind, told his parents he no longer wanted to be with me, and then the violence started, first smashing my face into a brick wall breaking my nose, I ran from the house, blood everywhere, and went to work, the police were called and I made a statement but I didn't want him arrested, I still loved him, it was my own fault because I wouldn't let his girlfriend in the house any more.

He moved in with her and her parents, which was unbelievable but he was "In love, she made him sparkle" Made me sick but thats how it goes! More violence, he would come to the house and we would fight, it was two sided I won't say it wasn't, but I thought that I would throw all the things that he had anything to do with out, I filled the front garden with furniture & clothes, I wanted him out completely, he had only taken a few bits, and I wanted to show him, out ment,  ment out!

One evening he called around and you would of thought world war three had started, furniture was thrown, curtains pulled down, and he hit my head on the back of an up turned chair, I saw stars if thats possible?? I felt so sick, but all he said was if I behaved I wouldn't get hurt, he even asked our youngest son to get some toilet tissue, I thought for me, well it was, it was to push into my mouth to make me quiet! How much more could I take? Why was this non working quiet man suddenly a monster? Because like many people anger comes out when the word NO is said, and I wouldn't behave! 

Our sons stayed with me for a while, but soon my eldest son who had been going out with a lovely girl from France found someone else, and she was to become his wife.

All this had a strange effect on our youngest son, he began to talk to me, he would ask me if I was okay, and I had visited a clairvoyent and she said the son I was close to would become distant & move away, and the son I didn't get on with would become my "Rock" she was spot on! 

I moved away, I wanted a new life, and yes I have a new life in the country, where no one knows anything about me, no one knows what twenty five years of life have done to me, my youngest son moved with me, & now lives a few miles away, and he is my "Rock"

The eldest son no longer speaks to me, I have no idea why, all was well the last time we spoke, but he has now moved out of the country and with him he's taken his family, my little Grandson is gone from me, I love the boy as much as I love his dad, but now at a time when I should be happy, I'm sad, I lost my family I lost my husband to someone half my age, and my little grandson who will not know me, as he's only tiny, and they forget.

If only my family knew how much I loved them, how much I wanted everything to be right, now nothing! Well I have to say I have the youngest son, and he has shone brighter than I ever thought or dreamed possible, I will never know why my eldest son left me, why he turned against me & and why my husband felt the need to play away, but hopefully all this will teach me not to worry so much about things I can't change and accept  in life its all bed & work, and anything that brightens the day is a bonus!