Following Michael Vaughn's news that he envisages a window of opportunity to put himself forward for selection for the winter's Ashes tests in Australia, Peter Pan has been spotted returning from Neverland on his private pig. Mr Pan has been the subject of extensive rumours since his ejection from the Neverland ranch three weeks ago under allegations of improper behaviour towards Michael Jackson. Jackson is reported to have taken offense after Mr. Pan led a coup at the ranch involving hordes of small children and a live crocodile. Mr. Jackson was unavailable for comment but his spokesman told the assembled media that he believed that exposing small children to dangerous animals was irresponsible, especially at a time when they should have been tucked up in bed.

Mr Pan has also been in hot water this week over allegations of fugging. He has been questioned by the police during attempts to stamp out the practice whereby strangers meet in laybys and force cigarettes down the throats of their pregnant wives. Mr Pan was taken in for questioning following an incident during which his partner, Puff Wendy, was found unconscious in the street with extensive burn marks to the throat. Police say the marks are consistent with insertion of cigarettes past the epiglottis.

In a statement today Patricia Hewitt heartily condemined this practice. She was, however, careful to add that this condemnation did not in anyway contradict the government's policy of encouraging teenage mothers to smoke as this has been statistically proven to substantially reduce live birth rates in the UK and thus save the NHS 1.5 billion pounds per year. In fact the policy has been so successful that Ms. Hewitt is proposing to retrain all midwives as primary school healthcare advisors with joint respinsibility for rolling out a national smoking induction alongside the school dinners initiative. Jamie Oliver was unavailable for comment as he is currently chained to railings outside of a school in Rotheram being force fed pies by Boris Johnson.