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When the Doors Open
By dhuandhar
05 October 2006
Struggling to make the best of a bad job, I am now devoting some time to nurturing myself with something that gives me immense satisfaction.




 

My mother, Mrs. Grey II, would tell me this story about her mother, Mrs. Grey I, that happened at the time that she was nursing her four chicks in the nest on a precarious branch of the fir. The brood comprised Proper my eldest uncle, my mother Kind after him, my aunt Tweet and my youngest uncle Ruff.

My father, Impetuous had married Kind after a short whirlwind courtship of twenty-five minutes. My mother said that the time she spent with him in those minutes was heavenly and it seemed it would last forever. But, let me come back to the story that Kind narrated to me. We can always come back to the time Impetuous dated Kind. 

It is strange that I have started calling my mother Kind as I narrate this to you. I have so far never looked at her like anything but Mom. Why am I looking at her as Kind today? But, but, here I am again digressing! Pardon me, but it seems like an important question to me that I should come back to later. For the moment, let me begin with Mom’s story:

Mrs. Grey I would tell Grandpa to stand on guard while she attended to their family. One day, as she left the nest to attend to some urgent business, Sheen, the crow, summoned Grandpa. Sheen was the local toughie who bullied every resident of the fir. Sheen threatened Grandpa with dire consequences if his brood of sparrow chicks failed to stop being noisy. It disturbed his sleep, he said, and he liked to live in a place that had a little quiet. Grandpa came back and tried to cuddle his children. But children as you know are noisy and they do not stop crying if you want them to – they stop crying when they want to. Sheen grew angry. He threw a fit at Grandpa and attacked him. Grandpa was badly wounded and fell down with a thud. He was counting his last breath when Mrs. Grey I found him. She came back to her brood and tried to smile and cheer them up. They were too small to understand what had happened. Somehow, she managed to keep them all from making too much noise, feeding them incessantly. Next morning, she heard a knock at the door. Her heart sank. It must be Sheen.
 She shouted, “Who’s it at this time?”
 “I am Sheen. Wouldn’t you be so kind as to invite me in?” he said.
 “Come later. I am busy. My children have just got up and I am brushing their teeth.”
 “See you later then,” and Sheen went away.
 After some time, there was another knock. She shouted, “Who’s it at this time now?”
 “I am Sheen. Wouldn’t you be so kind as to invite me in?” he said.
 “Come later. I am busy. I have to give my children a bath.”
 “See you later then,” and Sheen went away.
 There was another knock after some time and Grandma repeated, “Who’s it at this time now?”
 “I am Sheen. Can I come in now?” he said.
 “Come later. I am busy. I have given my children a bath and I am now making breakfast for them.”
 “See you later then,” and Sheen went away.
 Sheen knocked again later. Grandma repeated, “Who’s it at this time now?”
 “I am Sheen. Can I come in now?” he said.
 “Come later. I am busy. I have to feed my children breakfast.”
 
So, it would continue. Till, one day, she said come in. And when Sheen did come in, what did he find? That was the question Mom always asked me but never answered. I grew up wondering what it was that Sheen found. I still wonder. Can you tell me what Sheen found?

 Now, I leave you with the question and also a promise that when we return, I shall narrate the story of Kind and Impetuous’ courtship.

Reviews

Written by Fledermaus (4146 comments posted) 5th October 2006
Well? You keep us wondering... What did he find?  
You got me a little confused by mentioning the door, but after rereading it, I was convinced the birds weren't a metaphor...
This needs more work
Written by JasonDJ (17 comments posted) 6th October 2006
The narrator's voice is the most interesting thing about this. It is distinctive and potentially engaging, but I think the piece needs more work. I found the self-conscious digression about the courtship distracting. If this forms part of a longer narrative, then it would enhance the narrative interest. As the story stands, unfortunately, you begin two stories, but develop neither. 
 
I also found the language slightly clunky in places. The most obvious example is Kind's repeated question, 'Who’s it at this time now?' Perhaps this is just the way this character is meant to talk, but I found it unconvincing. 
 
I think you should also be careful about 'Mrs Grey I': it is too easy to read this as 'Mrs Grey', followed by the narrator saying 'I'. 
 
If you can come up with the two stories this piece hints at, then you have the foundations of a longer narrative. I think, however, that you should also leave the piece for a while when you have finished it, then try printing it out and reading it off the page. If you can read it out loud, that would be even better. This should help you identify some of the awkward language. 
 
Hope this helps. 

Written by Phil (8763 comments posted) 6th October 2006
Sorry, it seems a little incomplete, even if it is part of a longer narrative. As Jason says, this has the potential to be very engaging. I'm all for a cliffhanger, but this left too much dangling. 
 
Definitely worth some work. 
 
Phil.
Thanks
Written by dhuandhar (3 comments posted) 6th October 2006
Thanks for your reviews. It does help me focus from the present scatter. Keep it coming folks. 
 
Thanks again.

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