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Shorts
The hunter
By Fledermaus
05 October 2006
A little crime story

She saw the scene unfold in a greenish hue. This was what she had been waiting for. There, far below her, the bait was waiting. She wasn't expecting anything, just standing there, the silly goose. A girl shouldn't be out at this hour, wearing such clothes. Short skirt, tight top, too much make-up. Who was she trying to attract?
The predators were approaching her. Two men wearing leather jackets. The hunter' favorite.

She waited till they were close to the girl and leant forward. She had to be invisible. The goose was drawing their unwanted attention, but the hunter would catch them.
One of the foxes began to circle around the goose, while the other began to talk to her. She seemed uncomfortable, preparing to walk away. Then the first fox grabbed her from behind and the second one threatened her with a knife.
The crosshairs moved over the target. A soft thud and the first fox released the goose. A moment later he collapsed.
The second fox tried to run away. The predator had become prey. She looked at the goose who stood screaming next to the bleeding body. Then she aimed at the second fox. Another thud and its brain splashed over the pavement.

She took the knife from her pocket and added two notches to the score. Tonight's job was done. She crossed out two names on the list and looked at those which weren't checked. More targets, soon to be released.

She heard the sirens of the policecars and cast one last look at the bait.
" Tart...", she muttered. Then she folded the gun and placed it in her suitcase. Humming she climbed down the ladder and entered the abondoned building.

The steps creaked under her feet as she walked down the stairs and as she disturbed their sleep, pigeons fluttered around her.
Perhaps it was because of the chaos they caused that she saw the shadow to late.
He was waiting downstairs and as she noticed him he aimed his gun.
" Drop your gun!", he shouted.
She tossed the suitcase at him.
" You're under arrest!"
" On what charge?"
" Murder."
She laughed and her shrill voice seemed to scare the pigeons again.
" Tell me", the man said," What made you do it? You never reported any assault, yet you seem to be an avenging angle with a mission."
" You're a profiler then?"
" Just a curious policeman. The men you shot were all convicted for assaulting women. After their release you killed them. Don't tell me you have no motive."

She stepped into the light which shone through the window. It was a ghostly, yellowish light cast by a lamp-post. She didn't look very special, just a young woman, wearing a jersey and jeans. She was a little fat and her hair was rather messy. She smiled at the policeman.
" Do I need a motive to go hunting?"
" You murdered five men in cold blood."
" They were not men. Don't you read newspapers?"
" What do you mean?"
" They were described as beasts, animals and monsters, and, considering their crimes, I have to agree with the reporters."
" You should not take the law into her own hands."
She sighed.
" Since when are criminals an endangered species?"

" I have to arrest you."
" You won't."
She walked past him, picked up the suitcase and towards the back door.
" Stop, or I'll shoot!", he exclaimed.
" You won't. I have seen your eyes. You're a good person. You couldn't hurt a human being... Not even a killer."
And with that she walked out into the darkness.

Reviews
Hi Batty
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 5th October 2006
Loved it , short , terse to the point. 
 
Funnily enough I'd toyed with and rejected A tale where a group of four archers "took out" undesirables, so I was astonished when your MC did the same with a cross-bow. 
 
Thanks for your time and comments, 
 
Brian.
HI Fledermaus
Written by jean.day (2366 comments posted) 5th October 2006
Good story, nice and short and to the point but with all the ingredients to keep the reader interested.

Written by Fledermaus (3487 comments posted) 6th October 2006
Thanks for your comments. Glad you liked it.

Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 6th October 2006
Great! I loved what you did with the main character, very intriguing; mirroring the animal like tendencies of the human with her desire to 'hunt' and how she saw her conquests.  
Possibility of develping this story? 
I really enjoyed this, well done :)
Punches hard
Written by dhuandhar (3 comments posted) 6th October 2006
A bit like Hemingway. Hard hitting and sparse. Loved it.

Written by niki (6 comments posted) 6th October 2006
This was great. I loved your intro of: "She saw the scene unfold in a greenish hue. This was what she had been waiting for." you immediately want to read on and find out what's about to happen.  
 
You created some great tension for such a short story, something that I think's really hard to do. I liked dhuandhar's Hemmingway reference too - he's right – it's got that simple, sparse, just enough description to get your point across and set the scene without overdoing it effect. 
 
I really enjoyed the comparison of animal hunting and people hunting. The only thing I thought was maybe not quite right was the: 
"Tart," she muttered.  
I would probably delete that bit, as I think it showed the wrong kind of mindset for what she was doing, and broke out of the otherwise pure 'hunter' take, if that makes sense.

Written by Fledermaus (3487 comments posted) 7th October 2006
Thanks everyone for your comments. 
I guess you're right, niki, about her remark. It was mainly in there to show she didn't have any sympathy for the girl, but I guess that words like 'bait' and 'goose' showed that already. 
 
Cheers!

Written by bookworm (13 comments posted) 11th October 2006
Chilling, and well written! The dialogue flows nicely, and I like the "goose and fox" analogy.

Written by Fledermaus (3487 comments posted) 16th November 2006
Thank you bookworm!

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