Peak of Everest to be lowered

     Due to the high number of fatalities amongst climbers whilst attempting to reach the summit of Everest, the Nepalese authorities have decided to reduce the height of the mountain by two thousand feet. A government official said by doing this they hoped to cut the number of people perishing on the final leg to acceptable levels. The work was originally awarded to Fred Dibnah before his untimely death, but it was found to be almost impossible to find enough old car tyres and pit props in the area to complete the job. The work will now be carried out by Wimpey Demolition of Saffron Walden as soon as the three thousand climbers and forty-two camera crews already on the mountain, return to base camp....



Highgrove to be turned into flats..

    In what is seen as a magnificent gesture, The Prince of Wales is to transform Highgrove into forty, one-bedroom flats for single mothers.
   `One has for some time thought that not enough was being done for these poor unfortunate souls,` the Prince said yesterday. `It is believed Earl Spencer has kindly allowed Charles and Camilla to stay in a caravan in the grounds of Althorp until the work is completed. Camilla has also intimated that she and Charles will be moving into a small flat at the top of Highgrove so they can be available for regular baby sitting...



New Stadium..

...And finally it has just been revealed that the new thirty-thousand seater coliseum being built in Rome will not now be ready in time for the start of the new Gladiator Slaughtering season. A spokesman for the main contractors, Ausie-Rules PLC, said the hold-ups had been caused by the slave workers demanding meals breaks. `This insistence on wanting food every three days is totally unacceptable,` the spokesman said this morning. `We have already had to move the prestigious, `Rape and Pillage of the Sabine Women` grand final to another smaller arena in Milan.` He went on to say that if the situation could not be resolved they would have no alternative but to feed the idle bastards to the lions, and as a last resort bring in a gang of Irish navvies....