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Poetry
Barney McKaig's Sixteenth Birthday
By Witzl
08 October 2006

The farm’s a bore you’d trade for makeshift uniform

For cheek-by-jowl with Kansas shopkeeper

And German tailor’s son, for beans and corn

And reveille at dawn, pine-scented air

 

Youth and adventure – they go hand in hand

So long to humdrum prairie days, the heat

And bone-tired crushing boredom stifling all

the day-dreams. March with quickened pulse and joy!

 

Now you’re a drop in history’s rush-and-roar

Nine hundred strong, to march, to shout as one

Battalion drill and chafing haversack

So many feet to crush the tender grass

 

Then stretches of grey days and stifled yawns

And longing for the trumpet’s strident blast

Chill rain and mud and endless bickering

And all too soon the thrill, the rush, of war

 

Did you taste glory then? Or was it more

The bitter-biled adrenalin of fear?

Face ground in dust, eyes dull as slate

Sixteen today for all eternity

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reviews

Written by Phil (6838 comments posted) 8th October 2006
There's a nice irony in the title to this piece. It's an effective poem, particularly the last verse. A thought provoking and powerful end.  
 
This may be me, but the first five lines do not read as well as the rest. This could be a matter of intonation and accent. 
 
Overall, I really liked this. 
 
All the best, 
 
Phil.

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 9th October 2006
I also feel the first two stanzas need work -- I want to keep the content, but those stanzas seem too prose-like and too 'laundry list.' Like rather uninspired diary entries, I suppose, instead of poetry. 
 
Thank you for pointing that out to me. Your praise is kind, but your critical comments are what I really need -- and truly appreciate.

Written by Thatllbemethen (83 comments posted) 2nd February 2007
 
Favourite line 'Now you're a drop in history's rush-and -roar'. 
 
Second fave 'Sixteen today for all eternity'. 
 
I could go on and on. 
 
Really liked this poem. An old feel about it, very classical. 
 
Sorry, not much to crit here. 
 
Cheers 
 
 
 

Written by Thatllbemethen (83 comments posted) 2nd February 2007
 
Favourite line 'Now you're a drop in history's rush-and -roar'. 
 
Second fave 'Sixteen today for all eternity'. 
 
I could go on and on. 
 
Really liked this poem. An old feel about it, very classical. 
 
Sorry, not much to crit here. 
 
Cheers 
 
 
 

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 2nd February 2007
Thank you, TBMT.  
 
Barnes McKaig was one of my great-great uncles.

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