This is just a draft. I'm unsure about particular bits and the piece as a whole. Pick away. Civilisation.
One, two, three, four;
Madmen knocking at the door.
Five, six, seven, eight;
Men in suits, preaching hate.
Nine, ten, eleven, twelve;
Everyone thinking of themselves.
Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen;
More wars now than we’ve ever seen.
Seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty;
Ex-red missiles to buy aplenty.
Twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four;
Armageddon, hear it roar?
No?
Ten,
Nine,
Eight,
Seven;
Hope you all believe in heaven.
Six,
Five,
Four,
Three;
Too late now for you and me.
Two,
One.
Civilisation?
Gone.
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Liked this!
Written by LynB (452 comments posted) 9th October 2006 | I liked this, Phil. It doesn't beat about the bush - it gets straight to the point. I love the technique you've used - the final countdown! I know I'm probably not making a lot of sense, but in short - I liked it!
Great stuff!  | Looking out for you
Written by Gill21 (594 comments posted) 9th October 2006 | Hi Phil, been looking out for something of yours to read and review!
I really enjoyed this, in particular the structure. It reminded me of something, is it a childrens nursery rhyme? I can't quite put my finger on it but nevertheless it holds the allure of something simple and inncocent hiding something dark. The tension certainly mounted, and the pace slowed down as the poem progressed for me, as though i was afraid to get to thr end.
I liked the use of the word Armageddon at the end of the first stanza, and liked very much the idea of it roaring, especially as i was trying to place the structure within a childrens poem as i read it, however looking back now i'm not sure that line fits particularly well, perhaps it is a little too simple? But then again i feel you are toying with a few ideas in this draft so perhaps in the finished version it will fit perfectly.
The ending worked very well, i wouldnt change that, except that my instincts say write 'Civilisation? Gone.' to keep the two ideas together in rounding the poem up.
This was very creative, enjoyable and thought provoking! I loved it.
Well done  |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 9th October 2006 | | I loved this. I agree with LynB: what makes it is the 'No' in the middle and the finanl countdown. | Well said
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (5077 comments posted) 9th October 2006 | I'm glad to see you have taken time out from your hectic schedule of reviewing to give us a post. I'm not a fan of poetry,because I can't usually understand it but I had no trouble here. It was simply and un-pretentiously expressed I especially liked the countdown and the line
"Hope you all believe in heaven."
Very ominous in it's simplicity
Well said
BBS | Captures the "Zeitgeist"...
Written by Talisker (1367 comments posted) 9th October 2006 | perfectly for me. Takes my work "Lebanon" and broadens and extends it into other areas (not taking any credit, Its just slightly reminiscent!).
I've always had problems with the word "civilisation" - you may have inspired me again!
Wonderful work Phil!
Oli.
| On the bright side
Written by cynicsid ( comments posted) 9th October 2006 | | No more celeb come dancing. |
Written by Phil (8763 comments posted) 9th October 2006 | Thank you all for the comments. Gill, taken on board what you've said. I think you're right. Thanks for that too.
All the best,
Phil.
| Hi Phil
Written by ellipinnock (1816 comments posted) 21st October 2006 | I really like this, particularly the rhyme scheme, it blended in so well for me I didn't even spot it intially. I think you got the structure spot on. Using so few words and a strict rhyming scheme with the numbers makes it very tricky to get perfect but I think you've done a great job.
Bonza
Elli |
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