Friday
Today we're on a team build. They send us on these things every couple of years or so when they decide we're not quite as efficient as we might be and a day banged up in room with no windows might help. Unfortunately I arrive late, feeling somewhat stressed out and irritated, and that's on top of being moody and resentful in the first place.
"OK, now we're all here, firstly we'll introduce ourselves," the tutor says chirpily, her hands clasped tightly in front of her, "who you are, what you do and ..." her tongue now pokes irritatingly into her cheek, "if you were to think of yourself as an animal, what animal would you be?" This is supposed to be an amusing ice-breaker and some of the sadder ones giggle at it.

The introductions work interminably round the room, as people try to be desperately 'fun' and 'upbeat' about it. Birds of prey are a popular choice and we also have a lion, a leopard and a wolf. The new chubby girl plumps for being a rabbit.
"Is that because you want to be thought of as cute, furry and loveable or because you want it eight times a day?" is what I want to say, but the opportunity passes and the spontaneity has gone, along with my courage.
"I don't think of myself as an animal." I say sniffily, at my turn.
"Go on, you must be able to think of something, anything." the lady says.
"Nope." I say bluntly. Anyway that's not what I said, why can't she listen? I'm beginning to seethe again.
"Nothing at all?" She's really pushing her luck.
I AM NOT AN ANIMAL! I want to shout but bottle it up. Now I know how that bloody elephant bloke felt. If she pushes my any further I'm going to just get up and walk out in a huff. I am. Or say gnu.
"OK, moving on." she says robbing me of the chance to put my ultimatum to the test. Damn it, I should have just stormed out and turned my back on all this, started a new life somewhere. Or at the very least said gnu. I curse my life of missed opportunities. Then as she drones on I think of: Yeah baby, I'm an animal - IN BED, hur hur, but I keep that under my hat too - she doesn't look like the type who can take a joke, she might think I meant it and sue me on the grounds that they don't let you get away with that sort of thing these days.

In most organisations a Team Build consists of something exciting - out in the wilds, facing up to overwhelming odds and overcoming obstacles with hard work, selfless spirit and bit of good old British spunk, phlegm and other bodily fluids. This one is in the faded conference room of a hotel, the sort of place that's used for wedding receptions the second or third time around. Somebody switches on the noisy air-conditioning which sets to work sucking the life out of everybody. A series of undemanding little games and exercises have been set to keep us occupied for the next seven hours. The intention is that everyone will come away thinking it was fun and worthwhile but it's really just the mindless adult equivalent of nursery finger painting or sticking gluey coloured shapes onto card. I offer to be pen monitor - that will stop me falling asleep at least. I grab a fat blue marker pen to scribble down bright, brainstorming ideas that will never, ever be used.

My life is ebbing away in rooms like this.

Next week I'm definitely going to start looking for another job. I mean it this time.

Or I might even try and summon up the courage to make a complete break and sail off to the south sea islands in a small boat or travel to far off Zanzibar by camel. Or maybe I'll just scrounge off the state and watch TV all day.


OK, thinking about it, if I absolutely had to be an animal, it would have to be a lion - King of the Beasts. What's the point of being anything else? But I have the disturbing feeling that I'd still only end up pacing back and forth in a zoo.