I've been working on this poem for almost a year; am now at the point where I must ask for help or feedback before modifying it further. I keep taking out and putting back in, and I am not sure that my changes are making any substantial difference. I have submitted it, in various forms, to a few competitions -- no takers.
Please feel free to criticize. ('Criticize' isn't misspelled, by the way -- or at least, not for me: I am American.)
G I R L S O L D I E R
She’s far removed from shopping malls;
and where are the accessories
which ought to be her birthright?
-- the thoughtless, mindless merriment
and fits of giggling, girl intrigue
that make us smile and roll our eyes
at how sweet youth is wasted on the young.
(Her youth has all been poached and spent,
and nothing spent on her)
No sleepovers for her, this waif-child crouched in dirt
Her dusty cinnamon-stick legs folded
and hands so tiredly busy
and eyes that look nowhere but down
in mute submission.
She shoulders burdens heavier than
the guns and pots she carries.
Her frail child’s body gives and breaks
and withers, finally, blighted like parched earth
when it should swell and grow
and be her pride.
Her quiet voice is never heard
hushed in pain, hoarse through late-night weeping
when it should shout with laughter.
What is the world that it should visit on this innocent
Such greed and mindless cruel obscenity?
No birthday candles, and her cake
just hard-baked misery.
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Confused
Written by Snodlander (507 comments posted) 9th October 2006 |
I must admit myself a tad confused. At the start of the poem I thought that it was going to be about an American girl soldier (liked the birthright of accessories line very much).
But then it seemed to flip and describe describe the child soldiers of Africa. I'm not sure hanging at the mall and sleepovers are part of their culture in peace time.
The lines from 'No sleepovers for her' form a great poem in itself, but for me the lines preceding it would work better if describing, say, giggling at the market or round the well. As it stands it seemed to me to describe western girls. Or (another thought) maybe describe a western girl hanging at the mall, and compare it with the plight of the child soldier.
Sorry, you said to criticize. But the main body is very evocotive. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 9th October 2006 |
I re-read this and can now see how it could be confusing. Of course, I know that they don't have shopping malls in Burundi or Mozambique. But I couldn't help making a reference to the typical western teenaged girl -- or to her favorite venue, rather -- as a sort of extreme contrast to the poverty of this girl's life, I suppose. Perhaps the shopping mall reference should be changed to jangling bracelets or giggle-fests.
As for the criticism, please do not apologize for it, just keep it coming! I did not ask for it to impress you with my humility; I really need it. |
Written by Snodlander (507 comments posted) 9th October 2006 |
I think it depends on what you are trying to say.
If you want to contrast a typical Western girl's life with the child soldier, then maybe make it clear that you are talking about 2 different girls.
If you want to compare what her life should be in peace-time then perhaps make the comparison less Western. I'm pretty sure girls giggle over the same thing the world over, just as do boys. Much as I love the birthright line, I think that could really only be applied to the West, where we do believe we have a right to shop till we drop, praise be to American Express. |
Marvelous!
Written by Talisker (1331 comments posted) 9th October 2006 |
For me the juxtaposition of western frivolousness with the stark reality of "third world" war, made the poem even more painfully poignant.
I think this is a wonderful, universal, moral and ethical examination. A true triumph. Great metaphors, great flow, great subject, great poem.
Congratulations! This should definitely be Pick of the Week for me.
Oli. |
Two minds...
Written by Phil (6959 comments posted) 9th October 2006 |
In two minds over this one. On first reading I had to agree with Snoddy. On second reading I was with Oli.
The first half of the poem does have a different tone to the second; this supports Snodman's comment. However, if you can make the leap, as Oli says, the juxtaposition becomes a powerful device.
There's a very famous photograph this brought to mind, but I couldn't remember its name or that of the photographer and so couldn't find it on the net. If I have any success I'll let you know.
Despite the dithering, I think this is a top quality effort.
All the best,
Phil.
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Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 10th October 2006 |
I thank you all for your kind comments and good criticism. I am still uncertain about certain aspects of this poem, so I will put it aside for a while, then come back to it.
I have a question: at what point do you give up on poems and consider them 'finished'? Or do you ever get to such a point? They seem a lot like children: no sooner do you get their shoes shined and their faces wiped, than you notice something else about them that needs tweaking. You may feel rather overwhelmingly proud of them for their intrinsic good, but blush with shame over their defects just the same. Do you just leave them (the poems, of course, not the children)? Or do you keep adjusting, adding, taking out -- on and on?
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You're asking me?
Written by Snodlander (507 comments posted) 10th October 2006 |
I'm afraid I'm new at all this. The one poem I have written (yesterday) that wasn't a Benny Hill monologue was very personal, to the point that I was teary for the rest of the afternoon. Some words I changed, or altered the order of, to make it flow better or fit my meaning better. But just because it was so personal I don't think I could do a major edit. It is done.
A short story, on the other hand, I would gladly hack at for ever, and never get it just so.
There's a quote somewhere at the back of my head about editing your own story being like selecting which of your children you are going to kill |
For me
Written by Talisker (1331 comments posted) 10th October 2006 |
A poem is "of the moment" - I never revise them - I don't see poetry as a craft as much as a spontaneous act. Like acting - each poem is a performance and has life in itself - its a reflection of how you felt at the moment you wrote the words.
In a nutshell, I see iteration and continual refining in the same way as I consider the "airbrushing" or digital enhancing of a photograph - i.e. pointless.
Again, I emphasise - this is just my personal point of view!
Oli  |
Written by Thatllbemethen (83 comments posted) 2nd February 2007 |
Have read this several times now and still struggle with the structure. For some reason I stop and start, could be me though. The words and feelings have been evoked but somehow the reading is both poetic and prose in turns. I too felt the western girl/African girl soldier comparison didn't quite work. Agree with The Snod perhaps the comparison gets lost in culture and maybe should be rooted in more general 'birthrights' dreams and aspirations, or lack of.
Re editing, if you feel the need to ask, then perhaps you shouldn't perpetually edit. Poems are not spontaneous for everyone and sometime need refining, as long as your changes do not detract from your original sentiment. Too much tampering though will conceal your natural style, bit like make-up I imagine.
Right, that's me lot.
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Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 2nd February 2007 |
Thank you again, TBMT, for the comment. Please keep them coming; I am so grateful.
I am still amazed that Oli doesn't go back and refine his poetry; what I would do for that gift. Just about every poem that I produce is an excruciating, time-consuming slog, back and forth over it again and again, plucking out a word here and putting in another, deciding that the first was better and going back over it a week later to change it some more. And on and on. Nothing spontaneous about them, for me. |
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