Well if Tony can do the unthinkable with the Health Service........
No offence intented. I dont think the CoE give out fatwas,though the bigger crime is not being funny.
The Governments plans can now be revealed for moving the Church of England out of the public sector. They denied claims it was privatisation thorough the back door but an economically based form of disestablishmentarianism and ,said Gordon Brown it will allow us to tax their main occupation as Estate Agents, in their position as the second biggest landowners in the country.
Various outsourcing will take place to increase competition and keep costs down The communion service will be re-vamped. Instead of water and wine there will be coffee and croissants; and on highdays and holidays a special offer of a cappuccino and pastry for £2.50. Wine will not be on the menu until a liquor licence has been applied for through the proper channels. It is then hoped to offer a range of both red and white along with a choice of chiabata or focacia breads with an optional olive oil drizzle.
Starbucks will be taking over from the WI refreshment stall. The main Sunday service will now be sponsored by Marks and Spenser, they are working on commercials incorporating their slogan. “This isn’t just religion this is M&S religion”
George at Asda will be sponsoring the new habits for the clergy, so out will go all that gaudy red and purple in favour of more muted tones, taupe & cream in serviceable nylon. The new style will be sports-casual with hoodies replacing the mitre and the skateboards, donated by all-sports, should ensure the processions are speeded up, allowing time for an extra collection to be made.
Times of services have been moved forward so as not to clash with B&Q opening hours and special blessing is offered to anyone spending over £50 on garden. furniture. Throughout March there will be a two for one offer on weddings.
The surrounding cemeteries have been sold off to Network Q so anyone wishing to visit a grave must give two days notice so the cars can be moved around.
Some have expressed disquiet over the images of Christ which may offend non-Christian shareholders. It has been decided to remove them all in favour of someone, universally recognised and loved. David Beckham was a popular choice. And some hymns may need to be changed, Onward Christian soldiers is now Onward non-combatant UN soldiers. The government assure us these changes are necessary we will all soon reap the benefits.
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Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 9th October 2006 |
This is very funny. Perhaps in place of stained-glass windows, some of those huge advertisements that you see at sports events -- 'Sponsored by Nike;' 'PANASONIC' -- or whatever.
I loved the idea of habits done in 'taupe and cream in serviceable nylon,' and collections taken on skateboards. And the optional olive oil drizzle: very Biblical, really.
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Kudos
Written by Snodlander (501 comments posted) 9th October 2006 |
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Kudos...
Written by Snodlander (501 comments posted) 9th October 2006 |
... if only for using the word 'disestablishmentarianism'.
As a once regular CofE member I would love for the Church to rid itself of all the clutter of politics and English Heritage.
But in the meantime, I would like my epitaph to be 'This space for rent'. The idea of selling advertising space on my tombstone appeals. Maybe I can take it with me. |
Stop press
Written by cynicsid (177 comments posted) 9th October 2006 |
News is coming in that an association of Pagans, Devil Worshippers, Agnostics and Atheists (PADA Ltd) have made a sealed bid for the Cof E.
If successful the Consortium plan to make no changes to the ecclesiastical system except to dispense with Baptism.
Natural Wastage will mean that in 30 years the Church will have no members.
The then redundant properties will be redeveloped for Commercial or Domestic usage. |
Prick of concience
Written by woody44 (774 comments posted) 9th October 2006 |
The church where my wife and I got married has been knocked down and is now an accupunture clinic...where I believe you can get wed on Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays. Lovely, well-thought out little piece Jane, as with all your submissions.
happy writing
woody
PS Perhaps Beckham is a bit yesterday for this grandiose scheme. How about Rooney? (ok I`m getting my coat) |
Written by Phil (6683 comments posted) 9th October 2006 |
Enjoyed this. Funny too. Especially liked: “This isn’t just religion this is M&S religion.”
In defence of the Cof E; at least most have a sense of humour. One of my friends is an Anglican priest, and he'd find this funny too.
All the best,
Phil. |
Hi BBS
Written by jean.day (2266 comments posted) 9th October 2006 |
I think the wealth of organised religion and how it is got is worthy of comment and criticism.
Some of the things you suggest that seem outlandish to someone fairly conservative like me, aren't that far from the truth either, which I find scarey. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3331 comments posted) 10th October 2006 |
Thanks one and all for your comments and also the suggestions which should it all happen may yet be taken up
Thanks
BBS |
Written by coosh (854 comments posted) 10th October 2006 |
Possibly Archbishop Scarey, Jean.
Very good piece, BBS. Divine Privatisation, it's gotta be the answer. You don't like your Asda-sponsored Catholic chapel, then go down the Tesco synagogue up the road.
Nice touch with the "politically correct" hymns - enjoyed it. |
Hello Jane...
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 10th October 2006 |
Disestablishment used to be the hobby horse of Tony Benn, of all people. The only man able to wring his hands while he was still sitting on them. The trouble with getting shot of institutions is the monsters that grow up to take their place. Like the seven devils of Apocalypse, ' Each one worse than the one that went before '. Or maybe I have been spending too much time with Oliver Cromwell.
Nice business.
Slan! |
On the way up
Written by Josie (2780 comments posted) 13th October 2006 |
The Archbishop of York resigned last year and moved to a small Yorkshire town (our town) to be Father David at Saint Margaret's Church. It was said that he had a drop of £40,000 in salary with this move. (Please correct me if this is wrong). He has not been able to continue with this post because of ill health, but has found work:
I quote: "Lord Hope will continue to live in the Diocese of Bradford as well as acting as Assistant Bishop - helping with confirmations and licensings".
http://home.wol.co.za/~20063822/october2006/anglicannetwork.htm
(Slipped in at the bottom of the page).
I'm not sure if he will now get 2 pensions: one as archbishop, then pensioned off on grounds of ill health, and then move into a new paid position, or not?
Does anyone know?
Well written BBS. I think this could cause a debate. |
Written by sasquatch (125 comments posted) 13th October 2006 |
This is brilliant BBS
Once again you reveal your true form as one of the Titans of comedy round these parts.
Sasquatch |
Written by dotcommie (6 comments posted) 26th October 2006 |
I liked  I can almost see a bearue de change at font |
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