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By dougle
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23 May 2005 |
a long one (for me), what do you think? Where angels walk
night turn to day.
Their mighty pinions burn
as if they held the sun.
Elation rides the winds of fortune
you can smell joy upon the breeze
as your spirit soars through the heavens.
But upon the pinnacle of success
you are most vulnerable.
The angel has not stopped
it holds no love for you.
Despair settles on you
deeper than your life is long.
There is no point in life
and therefore no point in living.
But even as you sink
into levels of depravity
previously incomprehensible
in your innocence.
There is a light inside you,
humanity’s greatest attribute.
Hope, hope that one day
the angel will return. |
Two penn'oorth .....
Written by Bagheera (683 comments posted) 22nd September 2005 |
Hi, Dougle - don't know why I haven't noticed this before now, I see it's been on the site since May 
*Pulls pedant hat firmly onto brow*
The content is well-thought-out, but I wonder if it might 'flow' better if you adjust the punctuation a bit in one or two places?
As an English teacher I have to mention the confusion of verb tenses, e.g. "night turns to day." and again "as if they hold the sun" (the earlier verb in the sentence (burn) is Present, the second verb should therefore agree)
I won't dig deeply into other examples, but there are places you might want to revise your use of punctuation. The concept of the piece is eloquent and deserves to be well set out to make it easy to read. |
Written by B.D. (82 comments posted) 31st May 2006 | | I like it a lot because you can feel (or at least I can) the strong feeling. The "it holds no love for you" kinda caught me off guard and I love that! Awesome! However, I do agree with Bagheera because when I started reading it, the "night turn to day" kinda tripped me up a bit and this poem deserves to flow. |
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