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Comedy
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| A web of evil | |
| By cynicsid | ||||||||
| 11 October 2006 | ||||||||
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Retitling and minor edit of "The Web Mother" The Web Mother. It started harmlessly enough, the old writer’s competition scam, small prizes, modest entry fee and the promise of Publication. The latter was not guaranteed. From small beginnings the scam became exceptionally profitable. I found the optimum level was £10 entry fee plus £10 handling charge. Prizes were, £500, £250 and £150, I would always send five of the punters their cheque back informing them that they had been commended. I used to get about 250-300 entrants. Then I was contacted by a chap who I at that time nicknamed Peter the Publisher. He was quite frank he published five literary magazines covering poetry, short stories, and such stuff however to fund his hobby he also published a number of “mucky magazines”. Would I like to join the editorial team of “Perusing Poetry” a quarterly mag aimed at a mid-brow audience. It was on line collated and edited, all I had to do was provide articles and the competition winners. I readily agreed, and sent as requested a full CV and arrange of photos. One of the writers’ oceans that I’d trawled was Writers’ Websites however when the big one expired I was asked if I could become moderator of a modest off-shoot: which I did. I became to loathe some of the writers, with their flaming, their alter-egos and their petty turf wars. Still I sold the info that I got about the Webbers to interested parties. Peter the Publisher had his annual Xmas bash, which this year was held at the Gherkin. He drew me to one side, “Now I think there could be scope for a regular feature where Authors could meet up with Agents, what do you think? I thought it was a brilliant idea. “Right, in January I’d like you to provide me with details of 10 authors and I’ll whittle them down to 5. So get a CV and photo of each of them, my readership is drawn from middle aged and elderly women so I only want women between 30-50 ok. But they don’t have to be beautiful in fact it’s best if they’re not. I would say they should be no more or less attractive than you are. So I sent a list, and then was told that I should make arrangements for the five that he’d nominated to come to London all expenses paid and lunch at the Medallo Hotel. They would come on separate days and I should meet them at the Station of their choice and escort them to the Medallo where I would meet up with the Agent. After lunch the three of us will go to a conference room and once the preliminaries were over, I should leave the two of them to talk business. This went on for about six months and was proving very profitable as I received a healthy introduction fee plus expenses. Then Peter asked me to meet him and an Agent at the Medallo. “I’ll come to the point; I ought to let you know that you have been procuring women for immoral purposes.” I laughed, I thought he was being figurative, but he wasn’t, he continued, “You see he’s not a literary agent, none of them are, this one’s an Oxbridge Undergrad who’s paying his fees by doing a bit of porno work.” My blood froze, he continued, “A small amount of will loosening drugs in the coffee and it all falls into place. Most of the women are absolutely enchanted and find it a very enjoyable experience, those that don’t, I burst in and punch the young man and offer my sincere apologies, saying it must have been the drink, so far it’s all gone smoothly. The suite is set up as a most sophisticated covert recording studio. I finally plucked up enough courage to ask Peter the Pornographer, “So why are you bloody well telling me, I need never have known?” “It’s like this we’ve over 100k punters world wide who want to see you in action. I’d had enough, “That’s it I’m going” “Don’t worry; I’ll not stop you however, read this.” Peter handed me an article, it was in next month’s “Perusing Poetry”, it described how Peter had found out that I’d been swindling the clients and procuring middle aged women for immoral purposes. He broke the silence, “On the other hand, there’s £10k in a Swiss Bank Account, here’s the account name and the password. You’ll be on 10% royalties and they sell at £10 a DVD. And if it is easier for you it will be “Girl on Girl”. I had no choice, it suddenly struck me that this was the first time that I had seen Peter at the Medallo. But I would have been on Video for every filming. I was snookered so I shrugged my shoulders and agreed “OK girl on girl it is.” He exclaimed, “Oh good I’ve always found you attractive” and quickly revealed that I should have called her Peta. I’m not basically a wicked person, but I got drawn in and then became as firmly stuck to this skein of evil, as did my hapless victims. However he, who laughs last, laughs longest. You should have seen Peta’s face when she found out I was a transvestite.
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