Flushed with success over their latest privatisation  the government announced their plans to privatise the police force. They claim this is a sensible move as they need to diversify from their main job of catching criminals, especially as the prisons are now full so there is no point catching any more. A spokesman said “Of course they will continue to be involved in crime for a while but it is expected to faze this out slowly as the return on expenditure is so poor.”
The first change to note is the new number which is now 0870 999 (calls charged at peak rate only). The call centre has been outsourced to Lucknow so  a smattering of Urdu would speed things up greatly. The other immediate difference comes when you are read your rights This will now be
“Hello I will be your arresting officer for this offence and anything you say may be taken down and used in a compilation book of funny excuses, attractively priced and available in all good bookshops, it’s the perfect gift”
The Government deny any link between the recent declassification of Cannabis  and this move  However the Police PLC were quick to say it would be a shame to waste the huge stocks they have seized and as since it is now quite legal they have decided to sell off the  stock. It will be available at certain stations bearing the slogan “Happy to take the Pepsi challenge with that Amsterdam shit any day” As well as being a useful revenue generator they hope to undercut the local traffickers  and put them out of business “If it gets one of these filthy dealers off the streets we can feel rightly proud” said a chief constable.
With the new Police PLC it is our aim to improve customer choice. When you call you will be given a series of options; age, sex, height, race, colour of uniform,all to suit  your neighbourhood and to ensure he/she is fully colour co-ordinated to match your furnishings and life-style. Also there is the choice of sexual orientation should you wish to avail yourself of the range of the extras on offer.
If you do wish to report a crime be sure to have your credit card details handy as it could speed up the response time. There are 3 grades to choose, Urgent, Non-urgent and don’t hold your breath.
Some of the terminlogy have been changed to reflect the new status; criminals are now -involuntary clients and victims are now -customers and the word crime is now defunct and no longer to be used.
“This should, at a stoke, cut down the crime figures, as from now on they will just be figures” said an official. “The police will then be freed up to concentrate on their main occupation ,as a revenue collecting arm of the Exchequer for motoring fines which at the end of the day is what this is all about"