Not too sure about this one
Blue and purple flowers blossom, gone to
Seed. Petals mottled now under dry
Transparent skin. He lies so small and still
A scrunched and rumpled paper towel
Discarded, thrown aside as worthless. Rubbish
To be removed, sorted by someone else.
Green streams wend their way along his pale skin
Tracing their silent progress, slipping
Into silent submission. Alone
In his final moments, cursing the cruel
Serendipity of fate, a life he did
Not choose but was instead encumbered with.
Silent tears seep from behind closed, tightly
Sealed lids as the heart beat slows and
Stops. Terror flows from the
Faces of the
Parents.
|
Hi Elliipinnock
Written by jean.day (2257 comments posted) 12th October 2006 |
| Gosh this one really meant something to me. I worked in a maternity unit when I was going through University, and the babies who died turned blue so quickly. I wasn't sure with the thrown away bit that perhaps you were talking about an aborted baby. Whichever, it is very powerful. |
Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 12th October 2006 |
Great Elli, i noticed little about the structure for i was pulled in by the descriptive language and the pictures you painted for me. It was delicately and sweetly done. Emotive. The alliteration in the first stanza was great and the use of flowers throughout; how they symbolised life and death. Not sure i liked the ending, i felt it lacked a little something, but overall i'd say this was very accomplished (although i know very little about writing poetry, i have a love of it, and this was beautiful).
 |
Hi EP
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 13th October 2006 |
I must stop reading your work. Part-way through the birth of my first son, I was chucked out of the delivery room, which went into panic mood as I was leaving.
Several hours later, I was allowed to see my son. I looked through a large glass window at him lying in a glass crib in intensive care.
Nothing was said but I had this feeling that he would not survive. We eventually took him home but had to take him back not to the maternity Hospital but the Local General Hospital. We put him on an absurdly large padded table and the room was full of specialists.
We never knew what had gone wrong, or why intensive care or anything.
He's made 28.
So more thoughts come flooding out.
Brian. |
Thanks
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 13th October 2006 |
...to all
Jean-
This ended up as a somewhat ambiguous poem. Initially it was a small child who had actually been killed by the parents. But it kind of metamorphasised under my fingers and it does, somehow, feel like a baby....so I guess it's up to the reader to decide
Gill-
Glad you liked it. I'm not entirely happy with the ending. It is awkward, but then it is supposed to be as it mirrors the ragged slowing of a heartbeat....this was an exercise for my poetry class so I'll let you know what the tutor thought!
Brian-
I can't relate to how that felt, not having been a parent but it must have been terrifying. I'll try something a bit less depressing soon I promise!
Thanks to all three for your time and comments
Elli |
Very Moving
Written by CameronS (20 comments posted) 13th October 2006 |
I'm no poet but found this very moving for various reasons. Perhaps it's the cadences, the selective alliteration or the imagery of the flowers - or all three. I will be surprised if you don't receive good feedback from your tutor. Personally, I would have included another flower reference at the end for closure, but that's just me.
Thank you for producing such a poignant poem.
S. |
amazing
Written by MGoddard2005 (5 comments posted) 9th April 2007 |
wow i must say this piece is very hard hitting, if you ever decide to get this work published then i would put money on it that it would touch so many hearts, and that why we write, to touch the hearts of the readers !!well done!!
 |
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