BROWN SCREEN 
 
The words Chaos Inc gradually appear on screen, plain sky blue lettering.
 
            NARRATOR (V.O)
            Hello, my name is Pete Measures. But you                            
            can call me Solomon Grundy, or Harry Kismet,    
            or Mr Pan..
 
A square appears in the bottom left hand corner. It has a man's face in it, an office notice-board id snap. He looks ill.  
           

            PETE (V.O continuing)
            That's me in the corner. Cool
            picture, eh? Probably drunk the night before.
            Any road. If this was a movie, I would be
            called Lear. Not because I'm a lech mind,
            but so the director could give pseuds a sort
            of intellectual angle on the futility of fate.
            Flies to wanton boys and all that.
 
            PETE (V.O But from bottom left)
            Get on with it you boring sod.
 
            PETE (V.O)
            Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, training.
            Training. Yes, you lot watching this.
            You need some training. Chaos Inc has, in
            its infinite and insidious wisdom,
            allowed you to work for it. Oh, lucky you.
            You're all sat there in your new suits,
            Thinking how lucky you are and on what
            trinkets and drinkies you're going to
            blow your wages on. Trust me. I know. Really I know.   
            Not in a ‘well I've been there and I'm sure they
            think the same as me' way. No. I actually do
            know. As in 'I have knowledge of'. And I know what
            every one of you will do when you leave here. Laura
            Smedley, you are going home but first you'll go to
            your boyfriend's house.
            Don't tell the husband will you? And Jason Scully.
            Oh Jason, Jason, Jason. You know that drugs will do
            you no good but you'll still go to Warhurst Avenue tonight
            won't you.
            (pause)
            You see I have worked for Chaos Inc. And that is
            the kind of classified information that you are
            all going to have to get used to. You see...
 
 
DISSOLVE TO
 
INT. A BUSY OFFICE, DAY
 
   
There are people at every desk, it is bustling and busy. There is a Chaos Inc company logo on one wall, below it, in quotes, "Today's the day that we don't change the world."
 
ZOOM IN TO PETE AND A TALL DISTINGUISHED MAN
 
            PETE (V.O)
            There I am being shown round, the
            new guy, fresh off the blocks, raring to
            go. The tall chap with me is Mr Michael    
            Falk, Assistant District Overlord...sorry
            Supervisor. He runs the joint. If you want
            to get on at Chaos, you have to lick the
            Overlord's backside. Regularly. Once will
            not suffice, no matter how greasy your
            tongue. You must enter the rear of his
            undergarments on at least a bi-weekly
            basis. Write it down. It's the first part
            of your training.
 
As he is speaking, FALK is leading him round the office. Staff are nodding obsequiously to him and scurrying around with reams of paper in their arms.
 
DISSOLVE TO OFFICE
 
Pete is leaning with one arm on the top drawer of a filing cabinet. He is talking to a pretty girl.
 
            PETE (V.O)
            Oh, oh, look at this bit, it's a
            good part. Remember, it's my first day on
            the job, just getting the feel of the
            ropes that are being bound round my ankles
            and then this happens.
 
Pete leans towards the girl and starts to roll up his sleeve. As he does so, the cabinet tilts over and smashes into the floor.
           
            PETE (V.O)
            Oops-a-daisy! Clumsy beggar, never did get
            anywhere with Anita either. Still worse
            things can happen. As you'll see...
 
DISSOLVE TO:
 
INT. A DIFFERENT OFFICE, SMALLER, JUST ONE DESK
 
Falk is sat behind the desk, his fingers touching to form a church roof, his index fingers tapping his mouth. Pete is sat in a low chair on the other side.
           
He stops, freeze frame.
 
 
 
            PETE (V.O)
            Sorry about this, got to rewind a bit.
            And turn the sound up. This is quite
            important.
 
Everything goes in reverse quickly, Falk getting agitated, Pete holding his hands up. Falk gestures Pete to sit (but it looks like gesturing him to stand when reversed). Pete walks into (out of) the room. Then it pauses and runs forwards until Pete is sat down. It pauses again.
  
            PETE (V.O)
            Okay, roll ‘em.
 
Falk starts to move again.
 
            FALK
            Mr Measures. I am sure we will not
            experience another debacle like this
            morning.
 
Pete shakes his head.
           
            FALK
            It was not a question Mr Measures. It
            was a statement. We will not experience
            another debacle like this morning. And
            do you know why Mr Measures?
 
Pete just looks at him.
 
            FALK
            That was a question. Any way, we know it    
            won't  because we know what will happen
            to you in the future. That is what Chaos
            Inc is about.       I like to say we are involved
in the Futures Market. Ha!
 
Pete is looking at him blankly. It pauses.
 
            PETE (V.O)
            Nice joke. Any way, there's me,
            sat there looking all blobby eyed.            
            I haven't got a clue what this guy
            is on. I had come to work for this
            company because the dole said I had
            to. That or be a Postie. Sod that
            for a game of bloody freezing soldiers.
            So I landed up in this office, with            
            some old duffer spinning a yarn about
            our lives being written before we are
            born or something, and there is not a
            lot we can do about it.
 
We fast forward, then go into real time.
 
            FALK
            ...and what we must do is stop them.
            It is vital that we do.

Falk's voice lowers in volume. He keeps speaking, gesticulating.

            PETE (V.O)
            He goes on a bit here. To cut to the chase
            He told me about good and evil. Not just
            Firemen and nasty men. Oh no, the root of
            all that is good and all that is bad in
            the world. Sort of "T            his is the score,
            you will live with it".
            Everyones life is             mapped out. A bit like
            fate, except more so.
            Every little thing that has ever or            
            will ever happen to you is known. Right
            up to the day you die.
            Was I stunned?
 
(He looks around the room to see agreement and puzzlement.)           
 
            Was I bollocks. I didn't believe a word he
            said. He went on about some sort of    
            deities struggling for power, blahdy-blah.
            I kind of switched off. But it's all true.
            Every bit of it.
            What's more, there are records - kept on
            microfiche would you believe.
            God's in the details, eh? That's what
            Chaos Inc does. They keep all the details
            of life in filing cabinets. There's one in
            every town. When you move, the records go
            with you. It's like the Inland Revenue.
            Of the soul.
 
(He pauses for effect. There is not much.)     
 
            But, that's not all they do. The minions,   
            do all the filing and that. They don't really
            know why they are there. But, there is higher
            work involved as well. There is another, no,
            wait, let him tell you.
 
(He looks round again at the screen and starts the film.)
 
            FALK (Back at normal volume)  
              ...unspeakably rank and evil. Never on any
            account allow them to influence you. Their
            sole reason for existing is to create mayhem.
            They are guided by forces beyond our
            comprehension and will do almost anything to                         satisfy them. They know all about the Records
            of course, and, quite simply, will try to alter
            the passage of life. Needless to say, this is
            something to be avoided.