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Poetry
Follows
By Jay
14 October 2006
This is about my journey to find pain relief and imagining visiting a witch as a last resort.  I'm not comfortable with this piece so would be grateful for any comments.

Journey'd far, expected long, listen to heart.
Give all for vial, receive nothing but fear.

Pain filled day, follows pain streaked night,
Red night sky, reveals shedded blood.

Orange moon follows suit and colours the stars,
Pain filled day, follows pain streaked night.

Green glass eye adds to our mix, unhelpful pill,
Still pain follows pain, follows day, follows night.

Dash of lilac flame cools our trial,
Pain filled day follows night.

Cream to texture solidify,
Day follows night, follows day, follows night.

Thanks to Earth, Air, Water, Flame, and Compass
That day follows night, follows day.

Expected long, worked hard for love,
At end alone, follows pain, follows...

Reviews

Written by Phil (6836 comments posted) 13th October 2006
Really liked the refrain in this. I tend to like poetry that's to the point with few wasted words. This may be lack of insight, but the almost note form nature of many of the lines left me a little lost.  
 
Thought the ending worked really well. 
 
All the best, 
 
Phil.

Written by rilLie (327 comments posted) 14th October 2006
i liked this very much. 
the ending was superb! 
and the repeating "follows day..." etc. is great. 
 
cheers, 
rilLie
An awkward, painful piece...
Written by MarjoryBanks (14 comments posted) 14th October 2006
On an awkward, painful subject. Works well. 
 
Madge
Good
Written by Josie (2825 comments posted) 14th October 2006
Your writing is good, but I found this rather "broken" and difficult to follow. I liked the colours you splashed into this piece. I've been through days of severe pain (nearly died) and I know I couldn't focus my mind on forming long sentences either. This is perhaps how you feel when you are going through it. I only remember that the beating of the clock was out of rhythm with the throbbing of the pain and it nearly drove me mad.

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