Rather personal, so please feel free to rip it to shreds as I tend to lose all insight when clouded by feelings.
It's supposed to be a gentle persuasion, a small reminder that the only way to go is forward after a tragedy or a setback, and that you can never be sure of the outcome, but it's usually worth a try. On the road out of Barcelona you lay the crumbs of your emotions One by one from a Tupperware box onto the tarmac, reaching from nowhere from that perfect twilight, smooth dusk you hate to drive in - I said we could walk. On the road out of Barcelona you wander a fine line bewteen chronology and daydream, watching your memories categorise themselves and splinters of future cleaving, leaving gaps. You can't live with one, you can't live with the other, yet on the road out of Barcelona you're still deliberating, The crumbs are swallowed by by forces unknown and you're left, on that road from Barcelona, with only one way to walk. |
wonderful
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 16th October 2006 | I love this, I really do. The lines "the crumbs of your emotions" and "smooth dusk you hate to drive in" are so quirky and original, and the whole piece has a pleasantly serene, pensieve feel. I'm not sure about placing the two "by's" next to each other- I would take the first one out- but fix up the spelling errors (bewteen, upi're) and it's a beautiful piece.
I understand the difficulty of writing when "clouded by feelings"- often I avoid particularly emotional subjects as I tend to write drivel, but you've handled your subject matter deftly here. Well done  | If ..
Written by patterjack (1193 comments posted) 16th October 2006 | .. poetry is a result of compressed emotion , you have it here .
I do at times lose the *you* whom you are addressing -- yourself ? , the other ? , the generaleverybody ? because of that compression
But that is more my failing than yours .
Fine effort
patterjack | Like it says on the Tin...
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 16th October 2006 | Well Clo, seeing how it is you've asked, I'll tell you. With the usual caveat that I am not in any way, shape or form, a reliable commentaor on serious verse.
First off I certainly liked it. Which makes it instantly different from around 70% of the other poetry I glance at in my passage through the forum. But then I always seem to enjoy what you write and I think that is because, as the other two above reviewers have indicated, your words are at once recognisible as carefully chosen. As opposed to being turfed on the page as though out of a salad tosser. Moreover, irrespective of the content-- and I personally don't do angst-- the words and the ideas have a palpable synergie. Putting it another way you are expressing ideas and not just crossing your fingers in the hope that the words will take on some semblence of coherence. Or worse, much worse, using words just because they sound good. So so frequent ; and a real sign of immaturity.
So, good or bad poem, its got to be in the top 30% on the forum before you even get down to skillful evaluation. But rather than say why I think its ' not bad' I would venture further and commend you for keeping up a track record, in my opinion, of, albeit pained, honesty. It seems to come through everything you write. It was why I liked 'Bottles, and 'Altzheimer's '. Its not sometning you can learn and you seem to have it. Not your best effort. But a piece to entice the reader. And I liked the banal imagery of the Tupperware.
Like Brian says... Compressed emotion.....Out of a Tupperware Box!
Well done.
Slan!
|
Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 16th October 2006 | There's something about this that draws the reader right in; its honesty, its passive emotion?
I too loved the Tupperware line.
Like Patterjack, I lost my way a little - I can't grasp the second last verse - probably me.
Beautiful words.
All the best,
Phil |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3351 comments posted) 16th October 2006 | I felt a bit like a dog watching a card trick while reading this. I stare at it and know it is very intelligent,cleverly done by someone far more able than me and is totally beyond my understanding. I'll wag my tail and hope for a biscuit
cheers
BBS | Rare...
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 17th October 2006 | I'm sure I've said it before, but your work, even the (slightly?) half-baked efforts, have a certain poetic "je ne sais quoi" about them. They are good because they are.
No, we can't fully follow your personal thoughts, we would be telepathic if we could. But we can feel the genuine emotions which underly them, can enjoy the imagery on a more basic level and lastly, can apply your words to our perception of our own existence, perhaps in a way that even you would find surprising. Gosh that was a long sentence!
Anyway, in short - I would go a smigin further than Ged and put this in the top 10%.
The laying of a crumb trail I think is suggestive a la Hansel & Grethel lost in the woods, then the presence of (modern) tupperware, so commonplace and functional, puts the more ephemeral imagery in stark contrast - brilliant! I think you have a natural poetic talent - like some people have an untrained singing voice - all the better for being untrained.
Oli.
|
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
Previous item
