FROM : THE DAILY BELLY LAUGH. 16 oct 2006

' We wouldn't mind a tastey meal
Of pate de fois and fillited eel '

From THE MARAT/SADE. [Chorus of the Dispossessed ]



No reader will be unaware that schools in England are having extreme difficulty in recruiting management staff. Indeed the problem has now become so acute as to force larger local authorities, such as Essex, to take bold and inventive action to attract to Headship posts from those with a proven track record of leadership. This problem is at its most pressing in certain large Secondary Schools within challenging catchment ares such as that around Basildon/Prittlesea, where in one notorious instance, despite local, national and even pan national advertising to entice Headship candidates, one school in question has remained without a single serious applicant for over a year.

In view of the gravity of the situation in this case, the Local Education Authority, [LEA], has taken the otherwise unprecedented step of convening, ad hoc, a  ' Quasi Plenary Proactive Sessional Committee of the the LEA, to address the incumbent impasse' by ' forging a congregation of instant redress' such as calls upon ' a mutuality of concomitant beneficiaries, and, those in parallel disadvantage due to the discriminatory effect of monoculturalism, to aggregate impact vis a vis the current shortfall in leadership initiative response action by bridge building an alliance of collegiate interest to circumnavigate the log-jam in reaction '.

To this end has been brought together : Essex County Councillor Mrs Stephanie McBride, Chair of Cross Cultural Inclusion, Essex County Council ; Southend Borough Councillor Ronan Muirhead, Assistant Director of Planning, HR, Southend Council ; Ms Margaret Lewis, Southend Borough Council Ethnicity and Minorities Participatory Enforcement Officer ; Essex County Councillor, Mrs Betty Tuke, Acting Sub Head of Finance, Essex County Council ; Dr Ronnie Berry, Chair of Essex County Council Highways Division--[!!??;sic ] ; Mrs Madeline Thoms, OBE, of The South East Of England Parent Teachers Association ; Mr Malcolm Dowling , of The National Association of Schoolmasters and Union of Women Teachers ; Mr Clive Le Tellec of Capita Education Resoursing ; Mrs Nancy Broadbent, also of Capita Education Resoursing ; Ms Sheila Northcliffe, of Capita Recruitment ; Ms Liz Miller, of Capita IT Solutions ; Mr John Martindale , of Touche Ross, Accountants ; Mr Alan Delaney, of The Department for Education and Skills Recruitment and Retention Unit ; Mr Keith Lovett, OBE, Synod Member of the Church of England Board for Social Responsibility ; The Rev. Michael Orr Representative of the Diocese of Chelmsford and Member of the Church of England Education Council ; Professor David Templeton- Danes, FMR Kingman Professor of Applied Logistical Personnel Management at the University of Manchester Business School ; and Ms Tracey Noades, of Essex County Council, responsible for the Minutes.

Suitable fees had been agreed where appropriate and all expenses covered by the LEA, which had justified the bugetary outlay on the grounds of the extreme urgency of the situation facing the school in question. It was also noted that the accumulated wisdom to hand represented annual salaries in excess of seven figures.

Because of pressure of time and to allow corporate participants to fly in to attend, the meeting was held at Quendon Hall Country House Conference Centre by Stanstead Montfichet, close to Stanstead Airport. It began at 10.00 am with Induction and subsequent to a 30 minute Coffee Break in order ' to allow members to assimilate' ,
then broke for Lunch at 12.30 pm.

The Menu Offered :

Terrine of Duck with Appalachian Salad.
Lobster Mornay with Asparagus and Creme Fraiche.

Fried Sea Bass accompanied by Seasonal Vegetables.
Rack of Lamb in Blackcurrant Sauce and Caramelised Onions.
Vegetable Risotto on a Pecan Pie Base.
Fromage en Croute with Roasted Cauliflower basted in White Wine.
Beef Wellington with Saute Potatoes.

Choice of Sorbet
Poirves en Armenac
Fruit of the Forest with Whipped Double Devon Cream;
An Extensive Cheeseboard.

A full  wine list  was available; and water, still and frizzante, an alternative. Coffee and liquers were also available  to those wishing to finish their meal in the conducive surroundings of the Atrium in the private indoor Arboretum.

The Sessional Committee reconvened at 2.30 to hear extrapolated papers delivered to ' focus upon and foster a group mentality thereby to reassess traditional obstacles as positive inducements to transforming attitudes '.  The Committee then 'diverged' to 'facilitate best practice intra personal knowledge exchanges '. Prior to once again reassembling  with a view to ' consituting an authoritive quorum thereby to express a fast track strategy such as may be deemed empowered to deliver a multiplicity of non coersive solutions within a single dimensional framework'. At 4.30pm the gathering finally dissolved and cars arrived provided by Essex County Council arrived to chauffer individuals to the airport and divers other destinations.

A statement from the Elected Chair of the Plenary Proactive Session [Now Reconstituted as The Standing Committee Number 11 for Education Improvement ], Essex County Councillor Mrs Betty Tuke, was released to the press. She thanked the participants and looked forward to further meetings to monitor progress.

' It has been both a pleasure and a privilege to preside over a body so admirably deputed to interface with the stakeholders critical to the core value activity interchanges of the education community. As a result of acute deliberations here today a very valuable expertise has been deployed to searchlight the multiplex identities of this dilemma. I am now confident that a strategy is in place such as can be implimented to deliver immediate ratiocinated supra lateral instictive responses to a problem which  arrests the educational development of our children '.

The Strategy?

They are going to re-advertise. 


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