In response to the Red Ridinghood script in comedy...

Once upon a time there were three bears.  One morning Daddy bear tried his porridge and said, "This porridge is too hot.  Let's go for a walk in the forest until it cools down."

And Mummy bear said, "You bastard!  I spend my life slaving after you.  I clean the house, I make do with ricketty old chairs and a pokey little hovel miles away from my friends and a single bedroom that everyone shares, and all you do is loaf around the picnic area with your low-life friends freeloading off tourists.  Have you no pride?  And when I get up at 6 a.m. to cook breakfast, what do you do?  Complain!  Have you any idea how difficult it is to get oats in the middle of the bloody forest?  My mother was right about you... "

I'm sorry.  Daddy has had a bad day.  Let me start again.

Once upon a time there was a misunderstood teenager called Goldilocks, who because society didn't care and her parents lacked the appropriate skills, spent her days skipping through the woods looking for easy mugging victims.  All at once she came upon an unlocked house.  Marvelling at how some people just deserved to be burgled she entered the house.  She trashed the kitchen looking for booze, but then noticed the three bowls on the table. 

She tried the first one, but eew! that was too salty.  "He must have terrible blood pressure problems", she thought.

She tried the next one, but eew! that was too sweet.  "She must have a butt the size Everest", she thought.

Then she tried the last one, and that was, well, it was just porridge, but what's a girl to do?  It's not like her parents ever fed her breakfast.  So she guzzled it down.

Then she decided to sit down.  She thought it odd for a moment that she hadn't considered sitting down before eating the porridge, but one can over-psychoanalyze oneself sometimes.

She tried the first chair, but that was too high.

She tried the next chair, but that was too low.

So in a fit of pique she picked up the third chair and smashed it against the wall.  Her school councellor had told her that she had anger-management issues, but that had been before she had been excluded from school for beating the councellor up.

What was she going to do now?  She had been on her feet for, like, ever.  So she decided to explore upstairs.  Maybe there were some comfortable American Allstars she could steal.

Upstairs she discovered three beds.  What sort of sick arrangement was this?  Some hippy commune from the 60's?  A cult?  Neverland Ranch?

Nevertheless, she tried the first bed, but that was too soft. 

She tried the second bed, but that was too hard.

She tried the third bed, and then the pills kicked in and she fell fast asleep.

Meanwhile the three bears returned from their walk.

Daddy Bear said "Who's been eating my porridge?"

And Mummy Bear said "Just look at the state of this kitchen.  I am sick of cleaning up after you all the time."

And Baby Bear said "Yippee!  No porridge!"

Then Daddy Bear said "Who's been sitting in my chair?"

And Mummy Bear said "Who decided that the chair with the swivel and rocker was your chair?"

And Baby Bear said "OK, big picture here.  I think we have intruders, guys."

Then they went upstairs.

Daddy Bear said, "Who's been sleeping in my bed?"

And Mummy Bear said, "Yes.  Who has been sleeping in your bed?  Is it that tramp Red Riding Hood again?"

And Daddy Bear said, "A man makes one mistake, and it haunts him for the rest of his life.  Give it a rest, woman."

And Mummy Bear, said "Who's been sleeping in my bed, and left a blonde hair behind?  Have you been messing with a polar bear?"

And Baby Bear said, "Who's been sleeping in my bed and she's still there."

And Daddy Bear said, "I swear, I have never seen that woman before in my life!"

And the three bears fell on Goldilocks and ripped her limb from limb.

The end.

Moral:  Don't get Daddy to tell you bedtime stories when he's had a couple of beers.