I've been trying to write this all week, it's given me several headaches! I'm happyish with the result but feel it needs a little something...
A ragged shaft of dancing dust and light
That shines into black space beyond this plane,
And flows into the dark embrace of night.
The sun breaks through leaving a crimson stain
Smeared across the sky, a warning perhaps
For the day to come. Tedious hours slide
By, a succession of moments that lapse
Into eachother. Let the fear subside,
Diffuse away into the outside world
Beyond these bounds I dare not break, for fear
Of repercussions. I remain still, curled,
Afraid today to breach this first frontier
But soon I check the doors, to be secure.
Then wash my hands three times, just to be sure.
|
Hi EP
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 20th October 2006 |
You've gone for a/b rhyming pattern and 10 beats a line.
Verse 1 Line 2 has 11 beats if "spaces" becomes "space" nothing is lost but the rythm is maintained.
Did you see SD2? I was wondering what your response was.
The final couplet provides a delightful and unexpected twist,
Brian |
Form and Content in the Sonnet
Written by patterjack (1328 comments posted) 20th October 2006 |
This is , of course , a sonnet in the Shakespearean form with its traditional rhyme scheme , abab cdcd of the octet, then the volta , with the sestet to follow , rhyming efef and with the concluding rhyming couplet gg
In this poem , I feel the volta begins with Let the rear subside
The metrical scheme is mostly regular , with five major stressed syllables to the line and five minor stressed syllables making up the iambs of the accepted iambic pentameter.
Scanning the prosody however is complicated by the fact that not all the feet of the pentameters contain iambs only , eg catalectic trochees , anapaests etc .
An added complication involves the reader setting by his or her own vocal interpretation of where the caesura should fall , and the writer's use of enjambement.
I consider that here the form admirably fits the content which to my thinking is the sign of a good poem. The progressive development of the material itself ,which involves light and darkness , both mental and physical, holds the reader's interest.
A most interesting piece of work from both angles . Well done |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 20th October 2006 |
What I like most about this poem is the stanza that begins 'Diffuse away into the outside world. . .' and ends 'Afraid today to breach this first frontier.' This describes perfectly the feeling I get every morning when I consider Getting Up. (As far as I'm concerned, the question we must ask ourselves every day is not 'to be or not to be' but rather 'to get up or not get up.' Which, I suppose, ends up being the same thing in the end.) Your poem describes that feeling I'm sure we all have when it is time to get out of bed -- that ominous 'Oh do I have to?' that is sitting there in all our minds in the morning, and as the days get colder and colder, sits all the heavier. Especially when we consider all the troubles and petty irritations that await us.
Now this is silly, and I feel unqualified to offer you advice, but instead of 'shining' and 'flowing' in the first stanza, why not 'that shines' and 'and flows' respectively? The stress over the two syllables of 'that' / 'and' plus verb' is more evenly distributed than it is over the two syllables of the -ing gerund, so it fits your rhythm better:
A ragged shaft of dancing dust and light
That shines into black space beyond this plane
And flows into the dark embrace of night . . .
Good poem, whether you change it or not.
|
Hi Brian
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 20th October 2006 |
Thanks for your comments, noted and changed accordingly! I will have a proper look at SD2, it's a bit difficult for me to read as I'm sure you understand.
All the best
Elli |
Hi patterjack
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 20th October 2006 |
Thanks very much for your comments (though I did have to look up prosody) 
Elli |
Hi witzl
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 20th October 2006 |
I've changed as you suggested I think it does flow better this way although I'm still not keen on repeating 'into'
Thanks for your comments, most helpful
Elli |
Golly! [ Excuse Non PC ]
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 20th October 2006 |
Sister Mary Francis, Ellie!
Patterjack and Witzl revieving your work!! Two of the best on the site! You have gone up in the world! [ Please don't forget your old friends!]
I'm afraid I don't quite cut the mustard in such hallowed company, but..er...Well...I liked it. 'Cause it rhymed. OK!? Also because I usually like most things you write. Even if its poetry. I related to the 'crimson stain'. Strong evocative imprint that conjured up more than one image. Er...Nice. Yes. Well... Nice.
Well done.
Slan! |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 20th October 2006 |
Hello, Elli --
I have just discovered the handy box on the Home Page that tells you when someone has responded to a review you have added. I am only just computer literate, dragged comparitively recently, kicking and screaming, into this Brave New World of thinking machines. I keep finding things on this site and then losing them. I should probably grab one of my kids and beg for help, but my pride won't let me. Yet.
You didn't have to change this!! In fact, my opinions are probably better ignored. I write poems and let them sit for months before going back and chewing over them, fussing and worrying at them until finally I have to give up from plain old exhaustion, whatever the end result.
But having said that, what about this change, which would help you avoid that repeated 'into:'
'...and penetrates the dark embrace of night.' Do feel free to ignore this! I probably would . . . |
Written by sallyj (5 comments posted) 20th October 2006 |
I enjoyed the rhythm and rhyme pattern for the most part but found that switching to the trochaic foot with 'perhaps' at the end of the first line of the second stanza upsethe flow, whcih I then found hard to re-establish.
Having said that I really liked the expression of tedium as a succession of moments lapsing into each other, also the final coupet was very telling.
I found this a thought provoking and appreciated the fact that it was powerful but not strident.
Sallyj |
Great!
Written by Fledermaus (3453 comments posted) 20th October 2006 |
W#hat a brilliant poem! The rhyme and rhythm would be enough to make it brilliant, but the content is even better.
It doesn't need any 'little' something'. It's perfect! |
Written by Phil (6846 comments posted) 20th October 2006 |
Loved the poem but don't understand most of the comments! It seems I can appreciate quality but not label it.
All the best,
Phil. |
Elli P, Marry Me!
Written by Talisker (1328 comments posted) 21st October 2006 |
Or perhaps not - but I do love your grasp of the muse. Wouldn't want you nagging me in iambic pentameter
Like Phil, I haven't PJs toolkit to disassemble it - but I'm bad at reassembling things anyway, so just as well.
This seems to be about compulsive obsessiveness to me (do you also return often to check you put the gas or iron off?).
Anyway, the poem is beautiful, not a rhythm or metre I would use -probably all the better for that! I found myself mentally rearranging a few words. Everybody does things differently.
Beautiful and worthy of all plaudits!
|
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 21st October 2006 |
Thanks to all...this one has been a pain in the arse so I'm glad it was worth it
Cheers guys and girls,
Elli |
nice poem
Written by onezero (12 comments posted) 22nd October 2006 |
My favourite part of of this poem was the final line, the 'ashing of the hands three times to make sure' really speaks about someones character. I really liked the rhyme an rhythm of the piece, and think maybe Eli should consider adding music to such poems!
Overall, I would only add that maybe one or two lines like the last two would added throughout the piece would more direct realism for me. |
oops - me and my too fast typing!
Written by onezero (12 comments posted) 22nd October 2006 |
| Last line on my comments should read 'Overall, I would only add that one or two lines like the last two would add more direct realism for me. |
Hi onezero
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 23rd October 2006 |
Thanks for your comments, they are much appreciated. I can see where you're coming from with the 'direct realism'. However, I intentionally delayed the traditonal turn of thought in the volta of the sonnet to the last couplet to give the piece a starker contrast. Having done that, I couldn't really introduce anymore realistic elements without giving the game away so to speak!
Cheers
Elli |
Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 23rd October 2006 |
| Hi Elli, i always read your work and have only just caught up with this one. My review is nothing here, however felt it was only polite to tell you i read it, and enjoyed it. I thought the phrases, and the phrasing for that matter, were very beautiful. Probably your most accomplished poem yet |
thanks you...
Written by brook_rivers (484 comments posted) 24th October 2006 |
.... for your lazy writers contribution!!! It has certainly generated a lot of interest so well done!!
I enjoyed reading your poem. I found the last line particualry amusing, and i'm not sure if 'eachother' was a typo but it was an appropriate one!!
Some powerful imagery here, one of those pieces you could read again & again.
Great writing
brook |
Thanks
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 25th October 2006 |
To both for your kind comments....eachother was a typo but, as you say, kind of appropriate
Elli |
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