I detest two-dimensional characters in films.  The pure good hero.  The pure evil villain.  After all, don't we all have the same insecurities?

Ming the Merciless leant forward in his magnificent throne and gazed at the two men before him over his steepled hands.

"I expect you’re wondering why I have summoned you into my presence, hmm?"

Anthony and Julian looked at each other.

"Because you want to change your image?" ventured Anthony.

Ming sat back in surprise. "How did you know that?" he asked.

"Because we’re image consultants?"

Ming considered this. "Oh, right. Yes, I suppose that would make sense." But, just because he had rehearsed it, he sat back, stroked his long moustache with one taloned hand and said, "I want to change my image! Hahahahah!"

It didn’t really warrant an evil laugh, but people expected it.

"Well, we’re the people for the job, Mr Ming" said Julian. "What did you have in mind?"

"It’s my name" answered Ming the Merciless, Emperor of the Universe. "I don’t like it."

Anthony and Julian drew a sharp intake of breath in unison.

"That can be a dangerous strategy, Your Highness" said Anthony. "Your name has a very high penetration across the board in 75% of the galaxy."

"Even in the fourth quadrant your name is in the top three dictators list, and your armies are barely massing on the border", added Julian. "You’ve slayed the competition. It would be a shame to throw all that away."

"Are you telling me that I cannot change my name?" thundered Ming.

"No, no, of course note" placated Anthony. "We are merely pointing out that if it is not handled correctly we could lose market share. It has been done successfully in the past, just not very often."

"There was Marathon", suggested Julian. "Changed its name to Snickers, despite market resistance, and now outsells Mars bars in the under 50 male demographic."

"But what we would need to know", rejoined Anthony, "is why. What is it about ‘Ming the Merciless’ that’s not working for you? I mean, it says everything. You are Ming, and you are merciless. People hear your name and know exactly what to expect. It’s what we call an intuitive brand name. Like British Gas. You know that they’re a gas company, simply by the name."

"Except they sell electricity now" added Julian. Anthony shot him an old-fashioned look.

"To be honest, it’s the Merciless bit I’m finding a drag", said Ming.

"But you’re the ruler of the Universe", exclaimed Anthony. "You can’t be a namby-pamby do-gooder and supreme dictator. Look at Duke Harold the Nice. What ever happened to him?"

"I think I had him thrown into a dungeon somewhere", mused Ming. He reached for a button on the arm of his throne. "Zorg!"

A tinny voice from the arm answered, "Yes, Your Excellency?"

"Find me the location of Duke Harold the Nice. Get it for me in two minutes, or by the blue whiskers of the Tharg beast of Thron I will have your first born son roasted alive in front of you. How is he, by the way? Is his cough better?"

"Much better, Your Highness, thank you for asking."

Ming flicked the switch back and faced his guests. "I know, I know, I shouldn’t micromanage. I have people to issue threats and torture people. But Zorg is a project of mine. I like to keep my hand in. Ruling three quarters of the galaxy can make you forget how it is on the front line.

"Now, where were we? Oh yes. Merciless out, what goes in its place?"

"How about Ming the Horrible?" asked Julian.

"No, that won’t work. Look around my palace. I have this whole ‘M’ motif going on. People look at it as they cower before my presence, and they’re wondering, ‘Is that M for Ming or M for Merciless?’ I like the ambiguity. And I have this ring on order. It has a double M made of diamonds mined from the ice planet of Brrrr. Anyway, the alliteration works. Mming the Mmmerciless."

"Ming the Monster?" Suggested Anthony.

"No, Splargth the Monster from the swamp planet Bluew has that already. He really has made that his own. I mean, he has twenty-eight legs and teeth and claws and everything." He held his hands up like claws and showed his teeth in imitation. "You only have to look at him and you go ‘Argh, it’s a monster!’. No, Splargth has worked hard for that, and I would always be playing catch up. ‘There’s Ming the Monster, but he’s not as monstrous as Splargth’ they’d say."

"Excuse me", he said, as his throne buzzed.

"Your Excellency," said the disembodied voice of Zorg, "Duke Harold the Good is being held on the prison planet of Plob."

"Thank you, Zorg. Oh…" Ming looked at the others. "I forgot to look at my watch. Was that two minutes?" The others shrugged. "Damn, I hate it when that happens. Zorg! I shall let your son live… for the moment! Hahahahaha" and he threw the switch.

"See? You get rusty when you don’t menace people all the time. What I need is one of those giant count-down clocks, you know? All red neon that counts down to the destruction of a planet or something. Zorg!" he barked into the intercom. "Order me one of those count-down digital clock thingies." He turned back to the consultants, then suddenly turned back to the intercom, threw the switch again and shouted, "Or else!"

"Doh, look at me", he said with an embarrassed smile. "Now I’m forgetting to threaten underlings. I don’t know, I’ll forget my head next.

"Now how did we get on to clocks? Oh, Harold the Nice, Plob. Eew, Plob! That’s a horrible prison planet. I don’t know how anyone stands it there. You can’t even get a mobile phone signal there. Ooh, ooh, that reminds me. Excuse me one more minute.

"Mangle!" he barked into the intercom.

"Sire?" came Zorg’s voice.

"Sorry, sorry. Wrong button. Sorry!" Ming gave an embarrassed grin at the consultants, then ran his finger above the row of buttons. Selecting one, he asked tentatively, "Mangle?"

"Yes, Master?"

"Ah. Mangle!" he thundered.  "What news of the princess? Has she given us her mobile phone number yet?"

"Not yet, Master. Give it another hour in the torture chamber and she’ll be begging for a date with you."

"Good, good, keep it up, Mangle."

He looked at the other two. "Just one more thing, then I’m all yours.

"Zorg! I shall be entertained by the princess tonight. Make sure the slave costume is two sizes too small. Oh, and just in case, you’d better make sure the chains are attached to the pillar as well. We don’t want a repeat of that business last time.

"I’m so sorry, gentlemen. There’s just never enough hours in the day, is there? So, what names do you have? I want to get this done and dusted. I have a date tonight."

"Ming the Mighty", suggested Julian.

"Mighty… mighty… Mmmm, I don’t know. I mean, you’re right. I can see where you’re coming from. I am quite mighty. But it isn’t, you know, good, is it? I mean, I could be Mighty and Merciless, couldn’t I? And I really want to get away from the whole merciless thing."

"Magnificent?"

"No, I don’t like that at all. I sound like a magician. ‘Ming the Magnificent and his amazing disappearing pigeons’."

"Magnanimous?"

"Ooh, that’s more positive, isn’t it?" Ming tried it out silently, his lips moving. "No, I don’t think that’s going to work. I mean, I have a subject prostrate before me, trembling in fear and trepidation. Is he going to be able to pronounce maganim… magnan… look, I’ve got it all confused now, and I’m the Ruler of the Universe. No, it needs to be able to trip off the tongue. But good effort. You’re getting closer. I think we’re making progress."

Anthony suddenly held his hands up, index fingers pointing to the opulent ceiling of the throne room.

"Wait! Wait! I have it!

"Ming… the Merciful"

"But I’m already callled Ming the… oh, wait. Merciful? Ooh, that’s different. Ming the Merciful. Actually, that’s quite clever, isn’t it? I mean, it’s like Ming the Merciless, but actually, it’s the exact opposite."

"Exactly!" enthused Anthony. "It’s enough like Ming the Merciless to be instantly identified with the existing brand, so people who identify you as Ming the Merciless won’t be alienated. And for those that belong to the demographic who think Merciless is a bad thing, you’re offering them the opposite.

"Not only that, but we can use the existing logo, just one minor change to the name. This is a win-win situation."

"Ming the Merciful. Yes, I like it.

"Zorg! Issue an edict to be broadcast throughout the known Galaxy. Oh, and you’d better cc the Twilight Zone as well. Henceforth, I shall be addressed as ‘Ming the Merciful’!"

Then he leant towards the intercom. "That’s ‘ful’: F-U-L. Not ‘less’. ‘Ful’. Oh and you’d better order me some new business cards. And this time, I quite fancy them in that nice eggshell blue they showed us last time." He looked towards the two consultants for confirmation.

Anthony said, tentatively, "Are you sure, Ming? You don’t want to make too many changes in one go. Let’s see how the name change works out, and then we can see how much further we can push the boat out."

Ming thought for a while. "Yes, you’re right. Zorg! You’d better tell them to stick with printing it in the blood of my enemies.

"So, gentlemen" he said, clapping his hands together and rubbing them in jovial bon homie, "Now that’s settled, would you like to stay for the gladiator games? A trip down to the slave pits? Hmm?"

"That’s very kind of you, Ming the Merciful, but we have another client. Frank Gordon. He wants us to come up with a catchy nickname."

"Well, good luck. I’m sure you’ll come up with something flash."