My very brief effort for this month's lazy writers. This started off loosely based on stories my ninety-one year old grandma now tells me. Her short term memory has just about gone, but she remembers the details of her earlier life in amazing and fascinating clarity. The narrator is not my grandma, just a loose version of my long dead grandad.
Initially this was planned to be a lot longer, but I got bogged down in the details and couldn't seem to finish - so here's a taster and if it goes down well, I'll attempt to extend it as I originally planned.
Phil.
A pretty young thing this one, but I wish she’d just bugger off and leave me be. She said she was here yesterday, but I can’t remember. They tell me I’m forgetting things. Well how would I know? I suppose I’ll just have to take their word for it. But for god’s sake, she, or somebody always asks me the same things.
‘How are you today?’ – Completely knackered if you must know.
‘Isn’t the weather nice?’ – What would I care? I can’t go out and enjoy it.
‘Have you taken your medication?’ – Is it me that’s stupid or them? All my tablets are in one of those daily dispensers. You can’t go wrong.
What really pisses me off is that sing-song voice she uses, as if I’m only three years old. You know the one: ‘Aren’t you a clever boy then?’ As if I’ve just used the potty for the first time. Mind, that won’t be long in coming if all other symptoms are to be believed. Getting old’s a complete bastard. Don’t sneer; you’ve all got it coming, if you’re lucky.
There she goes. She’s buttoning up her coat now. Next thing she’ll be telling me she’ll be here at the same time tomorrow.
‘See you tomorrow Mr. Lauder. Same time as today?’
I go through the confused nodding routine. It never fails. Makes them feel wanted, worthwhile. Alice would have liked this one. She always had a soft spot for the lookers. Come to that, so did I. Not now though. I can see she’s got it, but I certainly haven’t; not any more. Alice had it. Right up the end. Funny how tastes change as you get older. When I first courted Alice all my friends were jealous. She was a real looker. Not like those types you see on television these days, all make up, leg and tit. No, Alice was a natural beauty. Everyone was after her, but it was me that got her. When we got older I still fancied her. She was the best looking pensioner on the block. It wasn’t that though. There was something about her that just made me keep on loving and wanting her. Until the fucking cancer took her.
‘Same time then Mr. Lauder?’ she sings.
What the hell is her name? It sounds like she comes every day, but I don’t know her. I only let her in because she looked harmless – and pretty.
‘Mr. Lauder?’
‘Right-ho.’
Thank Christ for that. She’s gone. Hope it’s her that comes tomorrow, not that I’ll remember her then, but a pretty face does make up for a lot of things.
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Hi Phil
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 21st October 2006 |
I don't think people talk to the elderly as though they were children, I think they talk to them as though they were Budgies. The differance being that you have some belief that a child will understand what's being said and very little that the Elderly will.
I think this is about the right length.
A worrying read as it seems to be the best of the bad lot that ageing has to offer. At least he knows that he is, unlike those who have no comprehension of anything.
Thanks for all your time and comments,
Brian |
Whatto Phil
Written by cynicsid (177 comments posted) 21st October 2006 |
Your MC sounds just like BRN, but a little sharper witted.
Pretty Boy Siddie. |
Hi Phil!
Written by LynB (435 comments posted) 21st October 2006 |
I thought this was good - I know someone who works in an old people's home, and the way she talks about them is quite shocking sometimes - she's in the wrong job, I think! You give a very accurate portrayal of her attitude. Sadly, I don't think she's alone in her way of thinking.
It reminded me of my late nan, God rest her soul. She was very feisty in her old age, and God help anyone who talked down to her! She said to me once, that if anyone ever said the F word in front her, she would slap them, and she didn't give a flying fart how big they were!
Thought provoking stuff! |
Written by Fledermaus (3487 comments posted) 21st October 2006 |
| A funny way to describe an actually sad situation. I won't be surprised if many pensioners would think the same things, your main character thinks. Sometimes makes me wonder if a long life is a bless... |
Written by Snodlander (507 comments posted) 22nd October 2006 |
Why do people think that the elderly are somehow different as far as personality goes? He comes across as a Jack-me-lad, even at 90. I bet he was wide-boy in his youth.
Good insight into his thinking. Liked all the internal dialogue |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 22nd October 2006 |
I enjoyed this. You have captured the tone just right. I look forward to more.
My father-in-law, who died not long ago, had a wonderful way of gently putting down the silly youngish people who patronized him. So the lady at the bank would say 'Goodness, Mr S, you look just the same as you did fifteen years ago!' To which he would reply in surly tone 'Well, I must have looked damn old, then.' |
Food for thought...
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 22nd October 2006 |
Well done Phil.
I thought it a little short, but an enjoyabe read nontheless. I wonder what you intend doing with pieces like this. Do you submit them anywhere in the real world? I say this since I think you have a chatty, uncomplicated style of writing that might suit a magazine reader. Of course you may have no interest in such, but I do think, perhaps made a touch longer and focused on a particular publication, you might get a hearing.
Good business!
Slan! |
Written by Phil (6959 comments posted) 22nd October 2006 |
Thanks for your comments everyone.
All the best,
Phil. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3566 comments posted) 22nd October 2006 |
Great little piece, I think you got inside teh charater very well. I could almost hear the voice in my head.And credit to you for taking on a difficult subject with wit and humanity (and a little bile)
cheers
BBS |
Growing old
Written by onezero (12 comments posted) 22nd October 2006 |
Hi Phil
I liked this piece, but I do think it ended too soon!
I particularly liked the way the character is drawn into thought of his late wife only to be broken away from them by the departing nurse. Overall, it was good insight into how our minds may be in old age - ie, pretty much the same but losing ourselves in our own memories.
best
P |
Written by Phil (6959 comments posted) 22nd October 2006 |
Thanks Jane and Phil.
All the best,
Phil. |
Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 23rd October 2006 |
It's all been said Phil, sorry i've nothing to add really. I really enjoyed it, felt it was a fine length for what you were trying to achieve, and it being a lazy writers contribution.
The character was very lovable and again remineded me loosely of my own grandparents. I am very fond of elderly people so these kinds of stories appeal to me. Written in a lovely, easy style as always.
Thanks Phil  |
Hi Phil
Written by ellipinnock (1786 comments posted) 23rd October 2006 |
I did manage to find it! Having a bad day
Really enjoyed this, nice snapshot. It could have been longer but, for the purpose, I thought the length was fine. You have such a lovely, simple style that draws the reader in. I liked the cantankerous nature of your main character- I think this actually makes the reader empathise more.
Great
Elli |
Written by coosh (923 comments posted) 23rd October 2006 |
Short, straightforward and to the point. I was wondering how you might develop it - maybe along the lines of the conflict/contrast with the (non-existent) short-term memory, which you did to an extent here. Very enjoyable read, but I'd have been in for a longer ride.
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thank you...
Written by brook_rivers (486 comments posted) 24th October 2006 |
... for your lazy writers contribution!
I think this length is fine. It was an interesting read, humorous too. You have got a lot of positive responses so well done. i agree with Mrs B's comments!
Great writing
Brook |
Drew me in ...
Written by johniebg (553 comments posted) 30th October 2006 |
I liked the dialogue, the bit at the end where he is discussing his wife draws you in and you do feel like you have been jolted when she says 'same time tomorrow'.
I thought the three questions you raised; how are you, weather and taking medication didn't need answering by the character, it draws the reader in if you get them answering in their head, for my mind.
For some reason I found the large spacing between paragraphs broke the flow.
Could definately have been longer, you mention what Alice liked but you were sitting there wondering why?
Good stuff. |
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