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Poetry
Use
By francoise
22 October 2006
thought I would work on a rhyming scheme- not sure what I think of it really and whether it makes any sense at all, but its still a work in process.


Useful people like to do nothing
Whilst the useless have nothing to do.
Useless people want useful sayings
To lighten up a dull coloured view.
Useless people like to be tidy,
but the useful just throw things around.
Useless people like hear their own words
while the useful don't mind their own sound.
Useless adults say to useful kids
Don't you have anything useful to do?
Not knowing that such useful comments,
splits little dreaming souls into two.
So there are useless things in this world
which neither you nor I can address
but should you start to feel abit dazed,
I will add a useful smile to your mess.

Reviews

Written by Phil (6738 comments posted) 22nd October 2006
I thought this started really well, particularly the first four lines. I certainly think this is worth more work as that portion really caught my eye. 
 
I'm not good on the structures of poetry, but I'll have a go.  
- Lines nine and ten break the rhythm of the poem. They jar a little as it is read. 
- I like the idea of repeating useful/useless, but I think you've overdone it just a bit. 
 
I hope this helps. These comments are offered as I think there is something very worthwhile here.  
 
All the best, 
 
Phil.
To Phil
Written by francoise (129 comments posted) 22nd October 2006
Thankyou for your comments, particularly when it comes from you since I think you're a wonderful writer. Yes, I think the repetition is abit too much towards the end, so I 'll revise it abit, and I agree with you about lines nine and ten, but at the same time I really want to find a way of including line ten. 
I have'nt had a great deal of time to work on other poems Ive posted recently, but I will get there eventually! 
 
Thanks alot 
 
Francoise 
 

Written by Phil (6738 comments posted) 22nd October 2006
There used to be a TV show in the UK when I was a boy called something like: Why don't you turn of the television and do something useful instead? 
 
Thanks for the kind comments about my writing, but I fear there are many better than I. 
 
All the best, 
 
Phil
Not quite Phil...
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 22nd October 2006
It was "Why don't you just switch of the television and go and do something less boring instead". Ironic I thought, because if you had, you wouldn't see the things they were suggeting you do. It was a summer holiday program, aimed at keeping kids busy. 
 
Sorry Francoise! I think this is a really good concept, but somewhat half baked. The start is good and then it wanders a bit. Don't throw out the baby with the bathwater though!!! 
 
Oli. :)

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