The government has finally conjured a plan for cracking down on unruly youths by conglomerating with the heads of schools. Last week the plan was executed, and the first youth were castigated on school grounds. The charge? His pack lunch box broke the governments ‘healthy eating’ law.

The ten year old was pulled away from his classmates in the school dining hall when it became clear that his pack lunch contained more than two snacks, the most offending of which was a fromage frais. Thankfully the headmaster had stepped in and removed the offending item, as well as the offending boy from his peers before the situation got out of hand. The headmaster was asked to comment on the situation:

‘This is where it begins I’m afraid. The rules are clearly stipulated and I will have neither parent nor child breaking them under my roof. It’s only a fromage frais now, but should I have let it continue without harsh consequences, in ten years schools will be full of sugar fuelled, fat rebellious children. I will not be responsible for the demise of our society.’

The ten year old was too upset to comment, the parent was too angry. The child will appear in court later on in the month.

Later that day, a teen was caught smoking cannabis and obscenely taunting passers by in school grounds. The headmaster assured it would be dealt with, but he ‘can only deal with one problem at a time.’

It is certainly comforting to know someone has the wellbeing of our children in mind, and their priorities in order.