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Shorts
Another one bites the Dust Jacket
By Bottleblondesurfer
24 October 2006
A local bookshop recently shut . I haven't posted anything for  a while so I thought I'd write somethng on the subject. No agenda here, just an excuse for some light hearted banter. I don't really do literature.
Sorry about the awful title- any suggested improvements?

 
“I can really recommend  ‘I hate my wonderful life’ by Fenella Dome, very current, very now”

 “I read that in Kos last year”.

“Well there’s this  ‘The man inside the boy’  By Nick Parsnip”.

“ Sounds like a confession of a  paedophile”

“ No, a study of male angst. It’s a very popular subject just now”

“Popular with self- obsessed males. I don’t think I fit the profile”

Terry, the owner of The Pepper Tree bookshop dropped the book on the rejected pile of paperbacks. It had been a long morning; it was  ten thirty and he had yet to make a sale. He’d been on all the business seminars which  told him the only way a small shop could survive was by offering a personal service tailored to the customer. This meant he had to chat to the customers, which as far as he could see only slowed the sale down and confused them but there didn’t seem to be an alternative. He looked up with his selling face on,” There’s always the classics , you can’t go wrong with…

“Not on holiday, no-one reads classics on holiday. You can’t swap with anyone”.

 Terry glanced quickly at the special offers, He knew this woman, she had become a regular, the sort of person he needed to encourage and placate but she always liked to go through the bookselling ritual and he had to play the game.

 “I know,” he said with forced enthusiasm,” what about….

“Wait” Sophie Bastow held up her hand. She felt confidant to do this. You only strike up this sort of intimate relationship in a small shop , it was why she liked to come here.  Not for her the casual anonymity of the supermarket. And she felt she was doing her bit for the small shop. She felt comfortable to take the initiative.

 “Does in involve mandolins or diaries”

“No”

“Is it set in Tuscany. Greece or Hampstead”

“No”

“Or any of the London suburbs”.

“Gosport and the Isle of Wight, actually”. Terry was a taken a little off guard by this. He had his patter worked out

“Sex?”

He nearly dropped the book “I beg your pardon?”

“Is there much in the book?

“Some, mostly heterosexual”

“But you think it would suit me?”

Terry hated that question. How the hell should he know. It was only a book, not a fitted kitchen.

Sophie continued. ”You see it’s important to have the right book on holiday, there’s no telly or radio and I need some thing to take me out of myself at the moment” Sophie felt relaxed, they had struck up a rapport after all these months and she felt she could confide in him.

Terry winced, she’d been a regular here for a few months now and he judged she  was getting near the confiding stage, he hated that. Why do they do that? His idea of the ideal customer is one who shouts the book title through the letter box  and drops the money down and waits for the book to be posted out. He wanted to nip this in the bud.

“You want a book to lose yourself in, I know. This should fit the bill nicely”

“You see this holiday has come at a crucial time and the book could make all the difference” Terry’s smile was nailed in place and he continued with the patter.

“It’s a wonderful evocation of…

“I really don’t want anything too angsty”

“Very descriptive, almost elegiac in it’s…

“What with work and my parents divorce..

He was getting desperate. “And it’s on special offer this month”

“ I really need this holiday to re-charge……”

“Actually there’s a two-for-one offer with it”

“Really”, said Sophie, “I didn’t know you did that with books?”

“It’s a new idea I’m trying”

“What, do I get to choose another one?” Terry glared at her and thought ‘That’s shut  you up you greedy bitch, why don’t I just let you loose with a supermarket trolley, he said “I’ve got a little pile here”

Sophie looked at the special offers, “Like I say it’s so important to have the right  book to lift my….

“Or you could just choose one”

“Really, that’s very generous”

“Another paperback…..at the same price”. Terry won his mental bet with himself as Sophie made straight for the self-help books. She came back quickly and handed Terry a copy of ‘Reclaiming the Orgasm’ by Tempestua Orifice’ He wrapped them up. He always maintained you could tell a lot by a person’s book choice and he felt an urgent need to get this woman out of his shop before there was any more confiding. To prevent anymore talk he discreetly turned up the music as he wrapped  but she had an ace to play. She handed him a credit card.

“If you’ll just put your pin in and press enter” he said as he turned the music down.

“Is that offer on for long?. I must tell all my friends and get them in here”. She said. ‘Oh great’ thought Terry heaven forbid I should make a profit. “It’s just a short trial,” he said aloud.

“I’ll have to be quick then”. She picked up the carrier bag. Terry said nothing but gave her a sickly grin. She turned and left the shop. If he had made any profit after giving a book away the credit card charge would eat it up. He had done it to get rid of a customer and now all her friends would be coming there expecting freebies. What sort of businessman gives his stock away?  You wouldn’t find that in the business seminars. Sometimes you just have to bow to the inevitable. He went into the backroom picked up the phone

“Hello is that Waterstones, It’s Terry Witton here. I’ve been thinking about the offer you made on the shop”

 
 
 
 
 

Reviews
Poor Bugger
Written by patterjack (1193 comments posted) 24th October 2006
And you are indeed wicked ! 
 
I love it ! 
 
patterjack
Good one BBS
Written by jean.day (2279 comments posted) 24th October 2006
Really enjoyed reading this, and I could picture your book shop salesman perfectly. 
 
It really made me laugh. Your bookseller seemed to think he could identify what a person was like by the sort of books they bought ,which makes me wonder if we can tell what others of us on this site are like by the sorts of stories we write, and also those we choose to review.
Really enjoyed this...
Written by Clifftown (620 comments posted) 24th October 2006
...it was written in a great, light hearted style and I loved the dialogue between Terry and Sophie. I especially liked the part where Terry's ideal customer is described as... one who shouts the book title through the letter box and drops the money down and waits for the book to be posted out. I can relate to that feeling, having worked in customer services for many years! 
 
An excellent read, very entertaining and funny.

Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 24th October 2006
Great, light-hearted story - although not for independent book sellers. We're down to one indi and Waterstones in Bolton. 
 
The interplay between characters was handled very well and I felt some sympathy for Terry. 
 
All the best, 
 
Phil.
hehe
Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 24th October 2006
It was a very comical until it got to the end! No, please don't let Terry sell out. It's these kinds of places that make our neighbourhoods that wee bit more special. Ever since i saw 'You've got Mail' (don't laugh) i've been determined to one day bring back that kind of book store. The kinds of ones my dad would take me to on a Saturday morning for fun. 
Anyway, well written, funny and light hearted without neglecting the heart. I shall be careful no to initiate conversation with shop owners so much now ;)

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 24th October 2006
Iliked this too. I found myself sympathizing with both Terry and the customer. It is hard for the proprietor to have a customer take up so much of his time, but on the other hand, customers seek out smaller stores for the individual attention.  
 
Wish I could help you find a good title here - 'Booking a Holiday?' (Sorry!)
I have to say...
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 24th October 2006
Oh really super piece of jounalism, Jane. Commercial or what!!? . You can't go keeping on going wasting this kind of stuff for free! 
 
Where are you going , Lovely Girl.....!?? 
 
Slan!... 
 
Gosh.
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 24th October 2006
Dear Miss Orifice, I'm your greatest fan, I've read all your books, could you send me a clipping. I suppose a photo is out of the question? 
 
Nice one BubBles. 
 
BRN 
 
Sign of the times...
Written by woody44 (775 comments posted) 25th October 2006
Lovely tale Jane, and the title is perfect. I think we must all feel for the poor independent bookseller. My wife worked in one of the charity shops for a while (she loves meeting people and it got her out from under my feet) and a big proportion of the customers came in to browse and exchange the second-hand books. And of course libraries are feeling the pinch also. A great shame all round.. 
 
happy writing 
Woody 
 
ps My wife would like to know where she can get a copy of `Reclaiming the Orgasm` She`s looked on Amazon but it doesn`t seem to be listed....

Written by coosh (867 comments posted) 25th October 2006
Very good, BBS. Yes, the characters are both victims of changing times. I was surprised there was no mention of the increasing bulk of autobiographies from vapid twenty year-old celebrities and sportsmen/women - I think Geri Halliwell's on her eighth now, not that she's read any of them. 
 
Anyone who can come up with "Reclaiming The Orgasm" by Tempestua Orifice doesn't need our help with inventing eye-catching titles. Cheers.

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