The Pole dancing kit is for real - I think its at Toys 'r' Us Every Christmas there are “must-have” toys which fly from the shelves like muck off a proverbial shiny shovel. In the recent past there have been Thunderbird toys, Buzz Light Year, Roboraptors and iPods. This year’s choices may have parents facing moral and ethical dilemmas over the festive period.
Essex based toy manufacturer Tomy are launching a toy condom machine for the 3 – 6 year old age group. CEO Sannie Bumfluff explained:
“We think both boys and girls will benefit from this educational toy. It comes supplied with wall fittings, and we envisage that it will be placed in the family bathroom. The “condoms” dispensed are filled with toothpaste and bubble bath, so they have a healthy use. When kids reach a certain age they will be familiar with the real machines already”.
Nationwide high-street retailer, The Early Learning Centre is introducing a pole-dancing kit for the same age group. The kit comes with a pole, suitable attire to remove, and fake money to stick in the dancer’s bra or pants. Marketing Manager, Mable Mumsford, defended the toy:
“This toy encourages healthy exercise and a positive attitude towards the human body. We feel that parents will approve. Imagine on Christmas day, your little daughter pole dancing for Grandad and Granma, what could be more natural and innocent? Advanced orders are very good indeed, we feel this may be the must have this year”.
Hasbro have replaced their traditional cowboy and indian outfits with Chav sets, including faux Burberry caps, shellsuit style trousers and tops, fake bling jewellery, and optional knife and baseball-bat. A “happy-slappy cam” is available as part of the set, which Hasbro claims is only a reflection of modern culture:
“We didn’t invent Chavs”, claims Chief Exec Martin Fillpot, “we respond to demand”.
Perhaps most shockingly, Chad Valley are marketing a Junkie Kit which includes all the class A drug paraphernalia in toy format – syringe, tourniquet, lighter, spoon and several “wraps” of sugar to represent the drugs. The company were unavailable for comment, but have claimed that the kit is a good way for kids and parents to bring up the subject, and therefore avoid the kids going for the real thing.
Parents should expect to be put under immense pressure to buy at least one of these controversial toys this Christmas. If you want one for your child, get it early – they are selling out fast!
This is Oliver Lodge, reporting for FoxyNews, from London’s Oxford Street. |
Nice piece of business...
Written by gerardconnolly (1354 comments posted) 24th October 2006 | Wonderful, Oli. Long time since I actually laughed out loud at something I had read. But on a sour note....
The depressing thing is that you are correct. The commercial 'smack it down yer kiddies' throat 'cause they don't know no different ' is on the margins of criminal.
When Timothy McVey, the Oaklahoma Bomber, was reminded of his crime-- the destruction of US federal government departments that had likewise, he thought, destroyed his mother and father-- he is reported to have said, ' I loved the sound of the explosion. I knew they were at rest'. I do hope too many money making shites do not have to rue the same forey into the unethical exploitation of children.
Slan!
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Written by Phil (8763 comments posted) 24th October 2006 | You've got to be kidding - the pole dancing kit is for real?
(If it's sturdy enough I might get one for my wife.)
Enjoyed this and it made me laugh - several times.
With Gerard on this one; unethical money making shites. They have to keep coming up with new things as kids these days have so much already.
Enjoyed it.
All the best,
Phil. | Poles apart...
Written by woody44 (876 comments posted) 24th October 2006 | Hi Oli. Smashing piece, and yes exploitation is certainly the name of the game nowadays. I think teen magazines are a prime example of this. I`m no way a prude but I was appalled by some of the stuff my youngest daughter was reading when she was still at a very impressionable age.
..As for pole dancers. I`m afraid the dancers at my club don`t wear anything, so I don`t know where they`d put that money, fake or otherwise. (Well I do but this is a family site)
happy writing
Woody | Hahahahaha
Written by Talisker (1367 comments posted) 24th October 2006 | Now we know why your known as Woody down the club too! Hahahahaha.
I bow to your superior knowledge & experience of such matters woodster.
Phil, yes - I heard about the pole dancing kit on Radio 2, I checked the calendar, and it ain't April Fools!
Gerard, I just wrote it trying to be funny, I have no kids meself, but I do take your points. The sexualisation and exploitation of children is shocking. As you know, comedy must touch on the serious things in life too. Hope noone was or is offended.
Oli  |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 24th October 2006 | This is wonderfully funny.
I am known for my obnoxious dislike of discos for kids (wrecks their hearing), my extreme loathing of play make-up for little girls (time enough when they're full-blown vapid teenagers), and my no-doubt PC aversion to big, scary weapons for boys, so this is right up my street.
This really had me laughing, and I am delighted to read that woody44 also feels that girls' magazines are appalling. The content is so lurid, unnecessarily provocative and downright silly -- but I digress.
Does anyone remember when ex-President (thank God for small favors) Reagan commented approvingly on computer games for little boys as he claimed it would make them good pilots of fighter planes?
This reminded me of that -- but fortunately THIS is fiction. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (5077 comments posted) 25th October 2006 | Funny effort, though this is not news and the kid's pole dancing is genuine I'm not sure you've got the concept.You have to go really OTT to parody stuff like that; (maybe a Ficsher-Price Abortion doll) commenting on what's already there doesn't do it.. But I did like the drug kit that made my smile
good effort
BBS
P,S If you're listening Phil pole dancing kits are available from Makro for £30 plus vat | Hey Blondie!
Written by Talisker (1367 comments posted) 25th October 2006 | No need to be cheeky! Only the pole dancing thing is real, the other three are fabrications.
At least its in a news stylee, which is more than many others.
I'm beginning to think you have it in for me?
Oli.  |
Written by coosh (1156 comments posted) 26th October 2006 | Brilliant, Oli. Laughed all the way through... which I shouldn't have done. The Brokeback Mountain Cowboy Set, Barbie botox and tampons, the possibilities are frighteningly endless.
In reality, it ain't just the toy shops. Tescos were selling the pole-dancing kit and the strip poker, and Next apparently had T-shirts for 6 year-olds saying things like "so many boys, so little time". With all the bloody legislation this Government's brought in, you'd have thought it'd be possible to prosecute.
My wife had the pole a few Christmases ago (if you'll excuse the expression) and now she needs a new one - but this time upmarket - the diamond-studded De Beers version - and she wonders why I'm flat broke and don't perk up at Yuletide.
Excellent stuff. Cheers. |
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