Great Writing - Home > Short S. > Wacky Jill-Bag lady
READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1399 guests online and 3 members online
Shorts
Wacky Jill-Bag lady
By BrianRobertNeal
25 October 2006
It's turning into a play.

Wacky Jill.-Bag Lady.
 

Thursday morning Jackie was up showered and dressed by 6.10. No make-up, hair dried and pinned into a bun and wearing a frumpy jumper and her drabbest trouser suit, she crept down the stairs and started cooking Breakfast.
 

At 6.15 Jayne came into the kitchen and was told, “Sit down I’m doing breakfast today.”
 

Jayne looked at her mother and laughed, “There’s no halfway house with you is there, yesterday you looked fantastic and today you look like a Bag Lady.”
 

“Oh Jayne there’s no pleasing some is there.”
 

Jackie served up breakfast then sat down with her daughter. “Mum I’ve something to ask you.
 

“I know, you are going to ask me if you can get engaged to Harry’s Boy on your Sixteenth Birthday.”
 

“Mum, how did you know that?”
 

“Well, Harry’s Boy asked Harry. Harry asked Mrs.C who said yes and then told everyone in the Village.”
 

“So, can I Mum?”
 

“Jayne give me ten good reasons why I should say yes.”
 

“Well it would make me very happy.”
 

“One”
 

“I would make Harry’s Boy very happy,”
 

“Two”
 

It would make Harry very happy and he might stop mooning about over your.
 

“Three”
 

“An engagement in this household would be a novel event”
 

“four”
 

“It could well lead to a marriage, very unusual in this household.”
 

“Five, I’d watch yourself young lady.”
 

“Any children born would be in wedlock”
 

“You saucey little Madam”
 

“Yes, but who do I get it from”
 

“Six”
 

“Mrs.C can buy a new party frock and fancy hat.
 

“And bore the Village about it, 7.”
 

“We can have a big fancy party and Harry’ll pay for it.
 

“Eight”
 

“Mum I’m stuck, as you used to say when you were learning your lines for the Village Panto-Prompt.”
 

“Nine, it would make me very happy, Harry’s Boy’s a little cracker and I’m very fond of him.
 

“Oh Mum you’re rotten tease.”
 

“Jayne I wanted Ten so, it will be so much easier for me to “Mother” Harry’s Boy. Since we came to the Village Ten Years ago, the Boy and I have been very close. I’ve been like a Mum to him.  Who do you think he asked first? Me, of course. I said if that’s what Jayne wants then the answer’s yes. So that’s Ten.
 

“Mum he never told me”
 

“But then I never told you.”
 

Jayne started laughing, “I’m just imagining Mrs.C’s new party frock and fancy hat. Mum you must go with her and help her choose. Do you remember her green and black striped dress, she looked like a marrow.
 

Jackie added, “And the hat with all the fruit on it, she looked like a Green Grocers Stall. Right, I’m off, you can do the washing up. And off she went.
 

She left at 6.50 and got to Rob’s house at 8.10.
 

“Come in, I hope you’re not going to put in for overtime or time in lieu. Talking about time in Loo, the downstairs’ one is just there, I’ll make us coffee.”
 

Jackie used the facility and almost burst out laughing when she saw herself in the mirror over the sink. She joined Rob in the kitchen.
 

Rob burst out laughing.
 

“What’s so funny?”
 

“You Jackie, on Tuesday  you looked a smart business woman, on Wednesday you looked a siren.”
 

Jackie interrupted-“That’s nice, going on about my nose.”
 

“What?”
 

“Siren, hooter!”
 

“Jackie you know what I meant, you looked like a woman who would lure a man to his doom.
 

“Could I lure you to your doom?”
 

“Most probably, but today you look like, ehm, err”
 

“My daughter said I looked like a bag lady”
 

“Yes but a very elegant bag lady. I bet you’ve got a dab of Meths behind each ear, and a splash of dry cleaning fluid on each wrist.
 

“How would you like to see me?”
 

“I think in pink with auburn fur edgings,”
 

“What if I’m clean shaven?”
 

They both blushed and Rob suggested, “You have a look at the Survey Requests and related Docs and I’ll make the Coffee. Whilst his back was turned, she took off her jacket took of her jumper under which was a very sultry top. She then took out the pins and shook her hair down.
 

When Rob turned back with the Coffees, she asked him, “Is that better”
 

“Yes, but you could come dressed in sacking and still be beautiful.”
 

“Right Rob, now to business, we’re visiting a Steeple Jack’s in the morning and in the afternoon, a Restaurant housed in the old Malden East Station Building.
 

They continued discussing the cases until 8.45 when they got up and drove off to Malden. At about 9 Jackie suddenly realised that her jacket and Jumper were on the kitchen table. She told Rob, but it was now too late to turn back.
 

Rob’s only comment was, “It could be worse you could have left your trousers there”.
 

“No way Rob, I’m not that forgetful.”
 

“Or me that lucky”, but Rob kept that thought to himself.

Reviews

Written by Phil (6828 comments posted) 25th October 2006
You say it's turning into a play. Each part of this has been very different, as you have said so yourself. It might have been interesting to write this as a script. Quite easy I would imagine, as there are only two scenes plus the car. 
 
This is moving along well, but I think it needs an injection of tension or action to move it on more in the next episode. Perhaps R and J could be caught 'on the job' by Harry. 
 
Glad you've continued with this Brian. 
 
All the best, 
 
Phil.
Hi Phil
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 25th October 2006
"Perhaps R and J could be caught 'on the job' by Harry" 
 
Harry would beat Rob to a pulp. 
 
Jackie would hate Harry forever. 
 
She'd ban the engagement,. 
 
Jayne and Harry's Boy would elope.  
 
Rob would die in Intensive care in Jackies's arms. 
 
Jackie would then become a Nun.  
 
And Mrs C would never get a new Party Frock and Fancy Hat. 
 
So perhaps not. 
 
Thanks for you continuing attention, 
 
Brian.

Written by Phil (6828 comments posted) 25th October 2006
Sounds exciting. 
 
Phil.
Think of the spin offs
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 25th October 2006
For example a rewrite of "The sound of music with Jackie in the Julie Andrew's role." 
 
Mrs C hosting a "Dress Sense" series. 
 
Or a remake of "What a Wonderfull Life", with Rob in the star role. In this case the slant would be might have happened if he hadn't been rubbed out, 
 
It's becoming quite attractive, 
 
Brian 
 
 

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3433 comments posted) 25th October 2006
My comments are going to seem a bit tame after that brain storming session with Phil.  
I know what you mean about it turning into a play especially with all the witty interplay in the dialogue. I still think that is one of your strong points. There's a lot of information in the dialougue,especially to broaden character, You could tell a lot from the mother/daughter relaionship by their interchange; though I have to say I'm not sure I'd be so relaxed about my 16 year old daughter getting married but, hey that's say's more about me, Jackie is made of sterner stuff. I do like their relationship. I think you handle it well 
Waiting for more 
BBS-
Whatto BBS
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 25th October 2006
"not sure I'd be so relaxed about my 16 year old daughter getting married" 
 
-She's only getting engaged + every woman I've known wants to have a son. Harry's Boy fullfills this need, if he ultimately marries Jayne she keeps him forever. And they'll never break up cos they both love her too much. 
 
Gosh I am getting into this. 
 
Thanks for your time and comments, 
 
Brian

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3433 comments posted) 25th October 2006
I take your point and I don't ;have a daughter and I'm glad you're getting into it . You got to believe in your charactes to make them live 
A-J
Hi BBS
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 25th October 2006
This probably on e of the few times that my characters have any depth and are other than "puppets" that I manipulate. 
 
"Jayne started laughing, “I’m just imagining Mrs.C’s new party frock and fancy hat. Mum you must go with her and help her choose. Do you remember her green and black striped dress, she looked like a marrow. 
 
 
 
Jackie added, “And the hat with all the fruit on it, she looked like a Green Grocers Stall .... 
 
 
For some unknown reason that's my favourite bit, 
 
Brian

Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 26th October 2006
You certainly do believe in your characters however i'm not sure i quite believe them. I doubt any mum would want her 15yr old getting engaged, its a pretty far stretch, however made slightly more believable by such strong, interesting and quirky characters.  
The story is moving along but i feel it could become stagnant quite quickly if it carries along at this pace. As phil said, i think it needs an injection of tension or action. The fact that each piece is written in a slightly different style keeps me interested however.  
The interaction and relationship between mother and daughter is my favourite so far. They are becoming very developed even though you retain that simplicity and dry wit throughout. 
:)

Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 26th October 2006
Jackie is not any mum, her indiscretions led her to an unwanted pregnancy at 19 (Jayne.). She has an exceptionally strong sex drive, but she also has a belief that this could be contained within a stable relationship. 
 
She fears that her daughter will be just like her. She's been like a mother to Harry's Boy so let them get engaged and maybe married when she's 18 maybe not. 
She does not want Jayne out on the loose with the lager lout slappers which is one alternative.  
 
My parent met and engaged at 17 married at 19 and only death could part them so my two grannies weren't too bothered.(Jayne and Harry's Boy have known each other since they were 5 and 7 respectively and are good mates.) 
 
Thanks for your considered comments. 
 
Brian. 
 
16
Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 26th October 2006
Since you clearly showed that Jackie herself is still a little girl, I don't think it's too unbelievable. It seemed to me that most of your Wacky Jill stories were a bit surrealistic. So considering that Jackie seems to be a very light-hearted and somewhat immature woman, I think the character can get away with it. 
 
I have to agree with Phil that the style was very different from the other chapters and that it's maybe time for some action. Not as extreme as you suggested yourself in your reply though.
Hi Batty
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 26th October 2006
"Not as extreme as you suggested yourself in your reply though." 
 
Oh OK, I suppose Rob eloping with Harry and Mrs. C is also out of the question? 
 
As I've said earlier my characters were often Puppets without dimension, this piece is an attempt to break away from an action packed approach. 
 
But I think a lot has happened in 8k words in all. 
 
Thanks for your continuing support, 
 
Brian

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

 Previous item   Next item