First draft of this so it needs some tidying up. Criticism welcomed :)
This is syllable rather than stress-counted in its present incarnation, this may change
Hollow rattling bones spiral round and round
Scattered, draping over loose, tumbling scree
Drilling deeper down into hallowed ground.
Taut skin slowly creaking and warping, bound
Over grey tortured frames that wait to flee,
Hollow rattling bones spiral round and round.
Random faces, distant voices resound
Around an empty, lifeless tragedy
Drilling deeper down into hallowed ground.
Where once was beauty now lies a half-drowned
Effigy, silent still in apathy.
Hollow, rattling bones spiral round and round
Drilling deeper down into hallowed ground.
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difficult forms
Written by patterjack (1343 comments posted) 25th October 2006 |
You have a couple of stanzas to add in as yet. It is a real doozy trying to fit ideas into the 19 line scheme , aint it !!
Sometime you should try a PANTOUM too -- if you want to play with brain twisters !
Have fun ! ( and accept my condolences at being set the task ! )
patterjack
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3459 comments posted) 25th October 2006 |
Despite not understanding your preamble I thougth I'd dare to read it (I don't understand the technicalities of poetry)
I like the structure and it was an easy read, it fairly rattled along.And at the end I was able to take something from it
cheers
BBS |
Verbal gymnastics
Written by Talisker (1328 comments posted) 25th October 2006 |
Not sure I like such a tight, restricted form. The subject matter is obscure to me too, at least in this, unfinished state.
It seems odd to restrict yourself to a form - but I understand someone set you this task? I'm sure you're well up to it EP!
Regards
Oli  |
Cheers to all
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 25th October 2006 |
PJ-
Pantoum??!! Bloody hell.....you may see me sometime next year. Mind you, I'd rather do that than write a sestina I find it constricting but at the same time kind if comforting writing in strict ('ish) form. mind you...I'm running out of decent 'ound' rhymes!
BBS-
Thanks for your comments. Having a bit of an experiment with some different forms, glad it was an easy read-there's no point in spending ages forcing something into a 'fancy' form and writing a whole load of crap
Oli-
In the end I hope the form will fit the subject matter a little better. This is inspired by someone I know who struggles with bulemia and the kind of corpse-like state one can end up in so I thought the constricted form quite appropriate. It is a little obscure at the moment I know-need some illuminating material to add I think.
Elli |
Written by Phil (6851 comments posted) 25th October 2006 |
Not familiar with the form, so can't comment much Elli. A certain desperation and then resignation comes through in this.
All the best,
Phil. |
Written by Phil (6851 comments posted) 25th October 2006 |
I should qualify that. I don't mean you were desperate when writing or resigned when posting - I mean the emotions in your work.
All the best,
Phil. |
Hi Phil!
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 25th October 2006 |
And thanks for your comments...desperation and resignation is good (again with the same qualification )
Cheers
Elli |
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