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Not News
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| Criminality Is Genetic Shock! | |
| By Talisker | ||||||||
| 25 October 2006 | ||||||||
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Good evening viewers and welcome to the program. Tonight with Trevor McDoughnut – we investigate the astonishing discovery of the “crime genes”. For the very first time scientists can tell us why people behave criminally. Let’s go over to our intrepid reporter Ali Barber at the Human Genome Laboratory in Hemel Hempstead: Yes Trevor, the work being carried out here is at the very cutting edge of genetic science. The discovery of the GBHG, ABHG, ASBG, DVG and YOG, the so called “criminal genes”, much like the advances in DNA technology which went before, are set to revolutionise crime detection and punishment in this country. Earlier I spoke to Dr. Hertz Van Rental about the possible implications: “Vot vee are zaying eez zat creeminal behavyoor eez not a matter ov choice, but a genetically predetermined factor – a seendrome eef you like – like Moonshousen’s, or eendeed otism or deeslexia. Doze who zuffer from dees seendromes are to be peated, not punished”. There was more astonishing evidence to come, when we were shown how rats injected with the ASBG (anti-social behaviour gene), became aggressive towards neighbours, defecated in others’ nests, drank excessively and threw up on their wheel. Guinea pigs given the DVG (domestic violence gene), started to squeak loudly at their partners, threw food and water bowls and appeared to “demand” sex. The most shocking behaviour came from the hamsters given a cocktail of all five criminal genes. Of the three individuals treated, two escaped and are at large, after attacking and mauling a lab assistant and raiding the drugs cabinet. The remaining hamster is in an isolation cell under 24 hour surveillance and suicide watch. He has had to be restrained using a special straight jacket. “Vot zees meenz”, continues Doctor Van Rental, “eez that we can eempreezon zee creeminal cheeldren at beerth, or even aboort the creeminal feetuses saving the trooble of haffing dee crime preevenshun at all”. Dee preezons for creeminal babeez eez mooch eezier to control zan zee adoolt preezons”. Health Minister, Fenella Catheter said that the Government are watching very closely and will be ready to adopt recommendations. Ex M.P. Geoffrey Archer has been appointed as head of a special think tank, which also includes Ken Dodd and Lester Pigott, to investigate the implications. He was quoted today as saying: “I feel completely vindicated. There was nothing I could have done – other so called criminals, that is sufferers of Van Rental Syndrome should be freed immediately!” Crime Minister and head of prisons Abel Magwitch was not available for comment. However their was a jolly sound of popping corks, hip-hip hoorays and whoops of laughter from within his department. Oli (25/10/06)
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