I am doing a few pitches for Niamh Quenten and David Queen [ Quenten an' Queen ] an aspiring male and female duo appearing on the Comedy Circuit. It doesn't pay much as yet. But what's money between friends. This is the draft for a first read through. [ There are to be nine sketches from me before they go on the road in March of next year]. I am aware it reads flat, but comedy always does. It has to be spoken to come alive and delivery is everything. They both ad lib irritatingly often[ From a writer's pont of view ]. So if you ever get to hear this at The Comedy Store/ Jongleurs it will probably not sound anything like the lines I have written. Ho Hum. But hope you'll hear of them soon. Because if you do it means I'm making lots of the lovely stuff and papering the walls with it.
' In its drive to bring home the problems of obesity , following on the publication of the ' Fat Map of Britain ', the Government has commissioned the BBC to make warning advertisments on the clinical dangers of the condition' . GOVERNMENT INFORMATION OFFICE BULLETIN 16/10/06. BBC WEBSITE 19/10/06. Voiceover as agreed. TBA.
Characterisation.
TWO CHARACTERS FROM THE REPERTOIRE OF QUENTEN AND QUEEN.
TRACEY 'TRACE ' GROSS. THE EPIOME OF EVERYTHING UNFEMININE. CONSTANT STRAP LINE ' Some people is really fick.... Don't ya fink? ' ALWAYS TRYING TO GET ON THE MEDIA.
DUCKIE ' DUX ' DUVAL. DOCUMENTARY FILM MAKER AND FORMER CELEBRATED HOMOSEXUAL ROUND THE WORLD SAILOR ,WHO FAMOUSLY 'CAME OUT ' ON CAMERA TO FELLOW CELEBRITY OARSMAN JEREMY CLARKSON IN A ROWING BOAT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ATLANTIC. THEREAFTER AUTHOR OF HIS ACCLAIMED AUTOBIOGRAPHY, ' ONE MAN IN A BOAT ' HE IS KNOWN AS THE ' PINK PANTS PIXIE ' TO HIS FRIENDS, MOST OF WHOM CAN BE CONTACTED ON CLAPHAM COMMON AFTER DARK.
[ PITCH. Hearing of extras wanted, Tracey Gross, Britain's fattest slag, takes time off from her sofa on the Isle of Dogs to audition for what she thinks is her favourite Soap. She is the size of a rhino expecting twins; but not as articulate. Kathy Burke/Pauline Quirke accent. She turns up to head the queue for a part in the Government information film, Obesity ]
[SCENE. To make shift audition room in Benefits Office]...............
Dux [ Reading from List ] First for audition, please. ....Those listed...Thursday?
Trace Nah fanks. I 'ad a drink 'afore I come out. I'm 'ere fo' th' hordition. Fo' th' 'ospital film. 'Olby City.
Dux [ Stares. Puzzled ] Obesity?
Trace. Yeah. That's what I sez. You mutt or summat? 'Olby City. Classic hepic medical case drama.
Dux [Eyes her up and down in speechless incredulity ] Classic epic medical case!? Gordon Bennett!! You can say that again!
Trace You what!?
Dux Obesity! Medical case drama!
Trace I knows its a medical drama. I've bin watchin' since I was a nipper. My fave Soap!
Dux Eh?
Trace 'Olby City! I wanna be in 'Olby City!! Like playing one o' them randy nurses what get's t' cop off wif a sexy doctor wif a big....
Dux [Interjects ] Belly?
Trace [ Deadpan ] Stefascope!
Dux [ 3 BEATS]....Right.
Trace Now. You gonna ask me what makes me right fo' th' part?
Dux [ Staring in pop eyed amazement at her bulk ] No fuckin' point, Sweetie. Bleedin' blind donkey can spot that!
Trace Eh?
Dux [ Up close and whispers ] Belly like an elephant's arse!
Trace [ Nonplussed ] You what!?
Dux [ Call over his shoulder to man in tight flared trousers and multicoloured tank top] Oh Chico! Darling ! I think we've found our star!!
Trace [ Screws face in dimb askance ] Star!!?? Your 'avin' a larf!! I 'aven't read nuffin yet! Don't you want me t' read nuffin?
Dux Leave it out Cuddles. All you have to do my wonderous fat freak is stuff your face with ten bags of chips; ten pizzas and a jumbo KFC chicken. Fart. And have a coronary. Think you can manage that? There may be several takes.
Trace [ Enthusiastically ] I do that every day!
Dux [ Eyebrows up in sarcastic encouragement ] For Breakfast?
Trace { Straight faced ] Nah! Between meals! [ Totally oblivious of piss take ] 'Ere an' when I fart I blow the cat up the friggin' chimney! Yeah! No sweat! When me an' my boo Shezzer rocks up back from SpudUlike Friday last, I bends over t' light th' gas an' let's off such a fuckin' five star Mexican roller, fuckin' terrified tabby finished up top o' Canary Warf!.......... Shittin' itself it was! Took th' fuckin' Fire Brigade four days t' get th' bastard down. Mind you, its th' fuckin' poor pigeons I feels sorry fo'. One minute they's up there finkin' they is safe as a row of houses. Next off, fuckin' cat parachutes in and there's bleedin' carnage!! Fireman sez there's so many fuckin' feathers up there th' fuckin' roof could 'ave come down!!!..... So... What's th' part?
Dux Its known as a character part.
Trace Don't say! 'Ere mind. Its a good fing you didn't 'ave me readin' 'cause I can't read proper. I'm dyspeptic.
Dux [ Looks away. Joins hands and gazes heavenwards ] It gets better! It just keeps on getting better! [To her. Mock adulation ]. Tracey you divine dung hill!! You are going to be the Star of Obesity!!
Trace [ Overawed ] Me!... Me...!? The Star of 'Olby City!! Wait till my Jason 'ers this!! 'Is mam a TV suppository!
Dux [ Produces contract ] Sign here, petal. Where it says ' Hugely Overweight Trolly Bus '.
Trace Yeah. I see. O...[ Peers gormlessly at the page. Spells out ] O... Be City..Funny spellin' in'it? Looks different in Th' Sun.
Dux You don't say. Heat does that to people.
Trace Mind. I 'ave t' larf.
Dux [ Mock surprise ] No!
Trace [ Still oblivious ] Yeah! My Jason. My eldest. 'Es stupid wif words.
Dux [ Exaggerated ] No!
Trace Yeah! Comes 'ome last night. 'Es bought a bird!
Dux [ Confused ] Brought a bird home?
Trace Nah. Bought a bird!
Dux [ Genuine involvement ] Bought a bird!!? You mean... A slapper?
Trace Nah! [ Totally serious ] A bird!! Mal' Fawcon!
Dux [ Still confused ] Mouth Organ?
Trace Yeah! Mal Fawcon! Bought it up th' pub. I sez what you got sold this time you dozy runt? Know what 'e sez?
Dux [ Limp wrist exasperation ] Shagged if I know, poppet!
Trace 'Armonica!! [ Howls laughing ]
Some people is really fick!!... Don't ya fink!!??
Stare at eachother. Silence 3 Beats. The both burst out in manic laughter swinging to face in opposite directions.
CUT TO NEXT IN LINE. |
Love it!
Written by LynB (435 comments posted) 28th October 2006 |
This is fantastic, Gerard - it had me laughing from start to finish! I think one of my favourite lines was 'when I fart I blow the cat up the chimney'. All I have to do is imagine some unfortunate feline going hell for leather across the room and up the chimney, and I'm off again!
Absolute class!  |
Gem
Written by coosh (868 comments posted) 28th October 2006 |
Nice to be shown how it should be done, even if it's only a draft. Absolutely hilarious - "rhino expecting twins, but not as articulate"! Presumably the script can undergo a considerable amount of changes between here and the end product, as a result of anybody's input - but you would get the final say (insofar as you still "owned" it, as it were) is that right?
I could see Kathy or Pauline doing it, without being given the direction. Lovely.
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Hi Gerard
Written by jean.day (2286 comments posted) 28th October 2006 |
| Beautifully done and such a lot of laughs. As usual I am awed by your talent. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 28th October 2006 |
I'm with Lyn about the cat blown up the chimney, but I am also fond of malapropisms and enjoyed Trace describing herself as 'dyspeptic.'
What happened to this one? One minute it was on the site, then the next time I looked for it, it was gone! I was beginning to doubt my powers of memory there. . . But how did that happen?
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Hi Mary!
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 28th October 2006 |
Hi Mary!
What hapened..!? Dunno Doll!
Try again. As you were saying........?
Slan!
PS Got e-mail. I will reply asap. |
A free hand?
Written by woody44 (775 comments posted) 28th October 2006 |
Good evening Gerard. I should think your two aspiring comics have a head start with this sort of material. I hope so anyway, so that you can, as you say, paper the walls with lots of lovely dosh. Just out of curiosity, did they ask for a particular brief or did you have a free hand in the material. Smashing stuff.
all the best
Woody |
Written by Phil (6738 comments posted) 28th October 2006 |
Lots of great lines, all my favourites have been picked already, but this, particularly for an inarticulate, is classic -
I bends over t' light th' gas an' let's off such a fuckin' five star Mexican roller, fuckin' terrified tabby finished up top o' Canary Warf!.......... Shittin' itself it was!
There's nothing like a good bit of fluent swearing.
Thanks for the laugh.
All the best,
Phil |
Eight lives left.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 28th October 2006 |
Lyn. Lovely Girl.
Many thanks or your kindnbess . Jeeze, bloody cat deserved it!
The two, Quenten and Queen, are friends of mine. I do hope you will hear more of them.
Slan! |
Spot on...
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 28th October 2006 |
Interesting point, David. Answer is usually, no. In most cases of comedy the author signs away any ownership to to the individual comic he/she works for by dint of contract. That comic is deemed the 'commisioning artist '. It becomes their, ie the comic's, material for a fixed fee. Also subsequently theirs to do what they please with. Most comedy ' writers' work as part of a team of writers. Contractual situations have always followed this pattern, save when the writer has created a situation in which the so styled ' comic ' appears as an obvious ' employee ' of the writer/ writer's company; ie sit com.
My relationship with Niamh and David is quite straightforward as that of supplying material for their forthcoming tour. And getting a small fee. After that everything depends on their success and largesse and their want of more of my material. They are free to bastardise anything I have provided. Quite simply it is now their's.
Many thanks for your comments. I always look out for your postings. You, Talisker and Jane have kept Comedy alive over the past few weeks.
Slan! |
Well appreciated...
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 28th October 2006 |
So many thanks, Jean.
Your comments are always appreciated. When I reply to you I always check my grammar and punctuation! And I mean that as a real compliment!
Slan! |
Despite ...
Written by patterjack (1202 comments posted) 28th October 2006 |
... never having watched Holby City , and not knowing the comedians involved , I still found this a real hoot !
I hope they appreciate such good basic material
patterjack
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Thanks Phil..
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 29th October 2006 |
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Philx2
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 29th October 2006 |
Ooops! Rug got snatched from under me.
Try again. Many thanks Phil. Your comments are appreciated. As others have pointed out there is more to scripting a piece than throwing words at the page. That's why the like of Simon Davies gets paid thousands to do it. Even so it doesn't end there . In the hands of a skillful interpreter any script will take on another dimension. Sadly bad scripting is endemic and all too obvious.
I know this is a hobby horse of mine but I really do try to encourage aspiring writers on this site to try their hand at scripting properly. It is not difficult and will transform a sometimes quite ordinary piece, not least since the tecnical demands force the writer to focus that much more on what he/she is writing. Take a look at Bagheera if you want to see it done expertly. And why not have a go yourself? Great fun too!
Slan! |
I'm aghast!!
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 29th October 2006 |
Brian.... You have never watched Holby City!!?? Now I KNOW Australia is culturally deprived!! [Lucky you !].
Many thanks!
Slan! |
two levels
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3369 comments posted) 29th October 2006 |
Wow a comedy script on the comedy script forum that’s a first. After a grim weekend away what a treat to come back to.
As you say it’s all in the delivery but I could hear the words in my head as I read, which is the acid test, and I’ve made up my own characters to suit.
I just hope the two do credit to the fast-paced and, often surreally funny lines
“fuckin' cat parachutes in and there's bleedin' carnage”
Can’t believe no-one has commented on that it had snorting coffee over the keyboard, wonderful mental image. It’s those sort of colourful additions to the interplay that mark out the amateur from the serious pro. Just my opinion, I’m not going to try and deconstruct it but I enjoyed it on two levels; as a punter and laughed out loud and as an aspiring writer with admiration I’d love to hear it done.
Cheers
BBS
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The Real Thing.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 29th October 2006 |
Thanks Jane.
I think most people appreciate when something is done properly. It speaks volumes for the author and his/her respect for the reader. I would never dream of insulting anyone with shoddy material. I thought I'd post this as coosh, Oli and yourself have been keeping Comedy going since Chris bowed out. Hope to see something from you soon. Nice to hear from you. Quenten and Queen start a nationwide tour in March of next year. Most comedy venues. They were at Edinburgh this year. Niamh Quenten is one of the funniest women I have ever met. She is only 24.
Slan! |
You're a star, Woody!
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 29th October 2006 |
My apologies, Woody.
I forgot to respond. Firstly. thanks for your comments. I always value them.
In answer to your question, I was asked for the material by a friend. I got in touch with the two and decided to work witht them. Its something of a collaborative enterprise. One of them Niamh Quenten is the daughter of one of my partners in Black Shamrock. Basically its network, Isn't it always. I have control of the stuff until it goes to production. Then its over to them.
Well done with NewsBiscuit! Must do something myself!
Slan! |
I like.
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 31st October 2006 |
I read and see Trace exactly as Waynetta Slob from Harry Enfield (sorry if someone said this already).
You are a funny chap and I shall be no more of a lickspittle than that - lest your tefal bonce explodes.
I like the line in the intro about Clarkson and "One Man In a Boat". I wonder if Ben Foghole and James (minty) Cracknell had such a troubled crossing?
Oli
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Missed this one
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 1st November 2006 |
Usual standard G. I just hope this duo have the timing and talent to carry it off properly.
Have been reading quite a bit over the last day or so, both works and reviews in various genres.
May I say you appear to be playing to a wide, yet still descerning audience.
Nice one!
Givitsum |
Lovely stuff
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 1st November 2006 |
This style of humour isn't usually my cup of tea but I have to say I enjoyed this. Some fantastic lines and, as always, well-scripted.
Good stuff
Elli |
Lickspittle....
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 1st November 2006 |
Thanks Oli.
Lickspittle!? Lovely word. Sounds like what it is!! Haven't heard that in open speech for an age. Trust you to use it! No matter. Whatever the world may choose to call you, Lickspittle you are emphatically not! Which is why well and whatever 'You are aweful; but I like you!' And God rest Dick Emery's soul [ Unlikely ].
Anyhow I must now get along and find out what you have been up to in print. You delicious reprobate! That should get your organic tomatoes ripening no end
Raise a Glass to the Gael!
If its words yous is wantin';
Or th' thrill o' the tale:
Grease yer arse down Th' Green
An' fill th' glass o' the Gael!'
Slan! |
On the Nose...
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 1st November 2006 |
Thnks Chris.
Coming from you I take it as a real compliment.
I do think we could all of us, me, you, Jane, Coosh, Phil, Woody, Oli, et al get our heads together for the ideal format for this kind of thing. Frankly I think all of you are ahead of me in this respect as I see you have cleverly confined your pitches to a small, swiftly read gobbet;--- 250-300 words max seems to me to hit the target. I will get round to commenting on some seriously sharp stuff from you and the others later but for now thanks and forgive a writer being preoccupied with technical delivery; but, content notwithstanding, I think you all have got this pitch just right.
Slan! |
Thanks Elli...
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 3rd November 2006 |
Thanks too Elli.
I will look out for something of yours at my earliest.
Slan! |
Quality! As usual..
Written by flook123 (35 comments posted) 22nd March 2007 |
| Just caught up with this one. FUCKING BRILL! As Tracey would say. I saw Niamh Quenten on the Comedy Roadshow in Belfast last Christmas. Very funny lady. Fantastic pay off lines. |
Funny lady.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 22nd March 2007 |
Thank you Lance.
I am glad you enjoyed the show. Niamh is actually London Irish; but, hey, whose counting. This was actually written for her. As you say funny lady.
Slan! |
Very professional
Written by saracen (10 comments posted) 23rd March 2007 |
Oh yes. I have only just seen this too. Super dialogue. No wonder you get paid for it. I can just hear the interplay between the two.
ONE QUESTION. In the script does the same person play both voices? I say that since you mention above that it was actually writtn for Niamh Quenten herself to deliver.
Best wishes.
Julie. |
WICKEDLY FUNNY!!
Written by libbylaw (7 comments posted) 23rd March 2007 |
Thanks julie for highlighting this.
Great piece of business. I just howled! You couldn't get away witht his on the PC circuit lampooning fatties, pooftas, annimals etc. but its so wickedly funny. Ooooooh Gerard! You are awful!
Lib |
Written by stevetroster (1555 comments posted) 15th July 2007 |
I didn’t realise that the Irish went for Essex girl jokes; you learn something new every day!!
I have tried to get some information on Quenten and Queen but no-one seems to have heard of them, other than Lance and Libby, of course!
Even a web search turns up nothing!! Can you give me some more information on them?
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