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Poetry
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Haibun: Untitled
By Patrician
29 October 2006
This is a new genre for me. I have a similar piece in the works, but I'm not sure if my strengths lie in this genre.  I'm looking for honest, constructive feedback. Thank you.

Morning.  Not her favorite time of day.  The morning star faded.  As she made her way to the loo, her feet ached, her back was stiff, and she wondered just how good running was for her at her age.  He ran through her mind—where was he?  who was he with?  why hadn’t he called? Peeing, freely letting go. She put her head in her hands and sighed.

 
                        The stars shine at night.
                    Our bodies move together.
                    I want to love you.
 
Sitting at the desk, writing.  Focus, focus.  It’s not an easy thing to write brilliant papers.  And, they must show brilliance.  Thank the goddess above for the snow.  Nowhere to go, nothing to do but write.  Thoughts flow from the brain to the paper—so simple.  An extension of one’s soul.
 
                        The nights are cold, long.
                    Indecision hurts my soul.
                    Time to let it go.
 
Little girl, little girl, what do you see when you look to the night sky?
Are you frightened of the dark?  Or, do you cherish the stillness?
Who waits for you in the night, my little dear one?
Do you find solace in the scent of the stars?
Does the starshine glisten in your tears?
Little girl, little girl, what do you see when you look to the night sky?
 
                        Each nova glistens
                    Unique, brilliant, concinnous
                    Falling gently to the earth.
 
 
 

Reviews
Interesting but elusive
Written by francoise (129 comments posted) 29th October 2006
I liked the final verse of this piece but as a whole it didnt flow in a way that I was hoping it would. Perhaps its the varied structure, mixing prose with verse. It read like a page out of a novel or a diary. I think a poem should give space for the reader to experience what the the writer is experiencing, but somehow this experience eluded me in your work. But there is potential here, i think the opening passage had a human quality to it which could be explored (even as a short story perhaps). My advice might be completely useless as there are far more superior givers of critique here than me.. but i hope it helps in some way 
 
All the best 
 
Fran
Grateful
Written by Patrician (7 comments posted) 29th October 2006
Francoise 
 
I am truly grateful for your critique of my work. It was enlightening. As far as I know, Sherman Alexie is one of the few writers to successfully capture the essence of a Haibun. I like the combination of the genres (poetry and prose), but I'm not sure how to master this as an art form. And, they are truly a work of art when done well. Interesting you should mention exploring the short story version... the second Haibun I've attempted is written in short story form with poems interspersed between pieces. 
 
Again, thank you so much for your critique. I truly appreciate your honesty and advice. 
 
Patrician 

Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 29th October 2006
Interesting to mix poetry and prose. As Fran mentioned, I'm not sure this flowed or fitted together as well as it could - that's just my personal take. She also said this has potential, I agree. I really liked the longer verse just before the end. In Fran's words, it 'gave space for the reader to experience what the the writer is experiencing.' 
 
Phil.

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