Looking forward to another Monday. . .
JUST GETTING UP
Sometimes I think
The very hardest thing
Is getting up
--from horizontal straight into upright
Reluctantly, from warm and safe cocoon
To frigid and monotonous routine.
The eyes of strangers scour your self esteem
They rake you with impersonal disdain
You tap a well of deep banality
To offer up tired platitudes, worn smiles
And make your hands to move, your voice engage
And kill another God-sent golden day
Then at day’s end the process is reversed
Like programmed automaton you plod home
And will your heart, though numb and sorely tired
To find what comfort sunset may contain.
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Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 29th October 2006 |
I like the language in this, it paints a vivid picture. The piece also flows quite easily, making it a pleasant read. However I would change the first few lines to
"Sometimes I think the hardest thing
Is getting up- from horizontal to upright"
It flows much better and matches the rhythm of the rest of the poem, whereas I found the breaks in the line a bit jarring, and my mind trips up a little on "horizontal straight into upright". I would also add a full-stop after "God-sent golden day". Then the piece has a pattern of 4 lines, six lines, 4 lines- structured like an everyday routine. An enjoyable read 
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Yes, a vivid picture
Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 29th October 2006 |
| Well written, yes, but perhaps you have got it wrong. I am sure that the eyes of most strangers don't rake you with impersonal disdain. It may only be what you think. Also, the frigid and monotonous routine - why is it so? I do really hope that life is happier than this for you. But on the question of the position of the body: Why is it that I can be yawning and tired upright, but put horizontal, my mind suddenly comes alive and it is hard to get off to sleep? Maybe it is better to think you are going the other way and then you suddenly feel tired? ha ha |
Irrelevant , but
Written by patterjack (1193 comments posted) 29th October 2006 |
Let us honour if we can the vertical man
Though we be none but the horizontal one
I was taken off on a sidetrack by Auden
If you used straight as equivalent to immediately I think it is all right.
And I like the use of make in that line !
Competent explication of ah all too common phenomenon -- and please don't take that as damning with faint praise
patterjack |
Written by francoise (129 comments posted) 29th October 2006 |
i liked this, there were some adverbs that made me stop a moment in places but otherwise a good read. Sorry for lack of critique, but am very tired at the moment (and depressed because I have to offer up tired platitudes in about 8 hours time!
all the best
Fran |
Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 29th October 2006 |
I'm reading this at 6.30 am Monday morning. Got up as I can't sleep and not really lookng forward to the day ahead. Complicated and emotional things to face at work. So, hit the spot. How I wish I could have stayed horizontal a little longer this morning.
All the best,
Phil. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 30th October 2006 |
Thank you all for your comments.
The content of this poem does not necessarily reflect my own life. What can I say? Sometimes writing a grumpy poem just cheers me up. And it is, after all, Monday morning. |
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 30th October 2006 |
I read this with the comprehension of a chronic depressive and it struck a deep chord.
Its not so much the geometry (i.e. horizontal/vertical) as the cocoon thing. Also an "unrisen" day is filled with magical potential until one sullies it with reality. Like the unwritten page man of us have touched upon.
I don't think I've read anything you've written, Witzl, without being enriched in some small way.
Oli |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 30th October 2006 |
Once again, I find myself looking for an 'aw, shucks' emoticon.
How wonderful to come home from a thoroughly awful, dispiriting day at work -- one generously sullied with reality -- and find such kind words.
Thank you. |
For me! - has to be
Written by wattle (117 comments posted) 2nd November 2006 |
| I'm sure you wrote this for me. I do so love my bed, and well, my world is something others own long before I arrive. ---- Thank you. |
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