a very short piece inspired by a photo in the newspaper of urban wastelands. Snuffling down amongst the bushes the dog was following riveting scents of foxes. Pushing the straggly grass aside with its wet enthusiastic nose, bounding through puddles and litter. The wasteland between the pylons was an easy place for him to walk the dog, close to home, unused by anyone except dog walkers and the odd courting couple it was a piece of land on the road to nowhere. As usual he had to avoid the rubbish strewn everywhere blowing and flapping in the wind, plastic bags caught on tree branches, broken glass sparkling in the watery sunshine, and the endless pylons jaggedly punctuating the landscape. His family had lived near this piece of land for a long time. He half remembered the tales of marshland and cows, a past memory which seemed to him like as likely as a cartoon scene opening up in front of him.
The council estate behind him had clutched a lot of the low landscape to itself, mans’ imprint on nature was not always a positive one. He stared up at the pylons. They had their own majesty and were certainly imposing. The barbed wire around them proved that they were a challenge to some and he shuddered when he thought about teenage boys, bravado getting the better of common sense, climbing the metal monsters stretching up above him. The screams of laughter the whoops of achievement and the long empty space as one of them fell..pushing the image out of his mind he carried on walking along the valley, drizzly rain beginning to dampen his clothes.
As he approached the end of the valley he began to think about these urban patches , forgotten pieces of land, like the areas between borders, they had no identity or reality. Forgotten names like Swallow hill, or Barrows Dyke, had no connection to this land now. Natural features had been obliterated and destroyed.
He saw the women standing at the end of the valley gazing towards him. She seemed as unreal as the landscape and as brutally real as the pylons. He gently put his jacket around her shoulders , turned her body as she lumbered with him along the path, the dog pausing to wag its’ tail in recognition. Her naked body quivered as she stumbled, her loose flesh betraying her age. He picked up her damp clothes where she had left them and helped her to dress with the ease of long practice. Her wrinkled face held an expression of confusion and fear. He calmly held her hand leading her towards the back of the gardens and a small broken down gate held together by orange twine. She pushed open the gate looking at the house with surprise as if she had never seen it before; far less spent the last 60 years there.
He stepped in front of her. ‘A nice cup of tea mother, that's what you need '. |
Forgotten
Written by Fledermaus (3230 comments posted) 29th October 2006 | The style is very descriptive, and keeps the reader detatched from the main characters, but I think that's not a bad thing here. It only adds to the surreal, cold atmosphere.
I imagine the thoughts behind this piece are very deep, but I'm not sure if I realy got them. Somehow I thought that the old woman in some way was a metaphor for the landscape? |
Written by swampdonkey (3 comments posted) 29th October 2006 | I agree with Fledermaus that this has a detached feel to it, although I don't think it's a surreal piece of writing. The descriptive prose is the strength of the piece and there are some nice images here. I suspect that Fledermaus is right that the woman with dementia is perhaps a metaphor for the forgotten landscape. The sentiments aren't exactly original here, but the linking of the memory loss of the women with the land has a freshness to it.
There are quite a few SPaG issues -
mans' should be man's for instance
Swallow hill - Swallow Hill
I don't know if its formatting is an issue, but sometimes you use double-space after full-stops and sometimes single-space. I know that sounds pedantic, and it might have occured when you posted the text, but...
Also, it would help to have a space between each para - that's the accepted convention I think and would make reading easier.
I found this a pleasant read, though. Thanks.
|
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 29th October 2006 | I found this piece very moving and well-written.
I liked the images of past and present contrasted -- the reality of the past being as hard to imagine as, perhaps, the future. Certainly what happens to places that we are all familiar with -- whole tracts of land with comforting names like 'Swallow Hill' that we know as well as we know anything -- is no sadder and stranger than what happens to our brains when we contract Alzheimer's.
Personally, I found that the mother's anxiety at finding herself inexplicably in a place she should have recognized but did not tied in well with the story. The hazy, sadly trashed, isolated patches of countryside and the wandering mind of an Alzheimer's sufferer -- I think that this is a comparison that is very apt. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3291 comments posted) 30th October 2006 | I'm not a big fan of extended descriptive pieces but this was so well paced and understated that I was happy to read on and my interest picked up on mention of the woman; as I'm more interested in people than places I would have liked more on the couple. If you're going to introduce us to people lets know about them. This read like an introduction rather than finsished piece but perhaps I'm just being a nosey cow.
cheers
BBS | thanks!
Written by ellyb39 (79 comments posted) 30th October 2006 | You are so right BBS and although it wasn't written as an intro to start with I did carry it on further.
swamp donkey, Yes, the formatting is rubbish, I seem to have a problem with the text size as well!
It is really helpful to have your comments, I was trying to link the empty lost spaces to the empty spaces in her brain, and create a slightly dream like atmosphere for the start. thanks a lot for taking the time! |
Written by Phil (6632 comments posted) 30th October 2006 | I thought this was a very rounded, complete piece. Just goes to show, we all like different things. The remoteness/frigidity of the language and landscape worked really well, especially when contrasted with the unfortunate but commonplace idea of meeting your mother (unfortunate because of her condition). The domestic touch at the end,'Nice cup of tea?' again worked well in contrast to the rest.
All the best,
Phil. |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 1st November 2006 | I thought this was a really good idea. The whole landscape/alzheimer sufferer comparison tied together well for me whilst reading. A quick edit to clear up the rough edges and a larger font would make for an easier read but that's a minor criticism of a piece I really enjoyed.
Elli |
Written by coosh (844 comments posted) 3rd November 2006 | | Really got into this. The imagery, landscape, nostalgia, passage of time, combined with the Alzheimer's - as with Phil, I loved the effect of the "nice cup of tea" at the end... evoked some strong images and moods. |
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