I wanted to have a go at scripting. Despite several years producing at a very vibrant youth drama workshop, I have little knowledge of stage craft, instructions, technique etc. I just organised everything and kept the kids in order. No directing.
This piece sort of follows on from the short story, ‘A Day in the Life.’
If this deserves crucifying, please do so. I’m only testing the waters. As such, it’s short - far too short. But if I can’t do this I don’t want to be spending hours writing nonsense.
What he thinks.
Scene: Small and overly furnished lounge. Old fashioned furniture. In high backed chair facing two bar fire and TV, which is on with the sound turned down, is Harry Lauder. Eighty something and frail. He is surrounded by photographs in mismatched frames and by his chair is a small side table. Off at stage left (diagonally facing Harry) is an open door that leads through to a small kitchen. We can’t see much of the kitchen. Another door, stage right, closed.
Characters:
Harry
Carer - Youngish, quite attractive, wearing skirt.
Throughout carer addresses Harry in sing song voice as if talking to child/pet.
Scene opens with sounds of busy rattling about from kitchen.
Harry: [To audience] Must be lunch time because she’s here again. Still can’t remember her name and I’m too embarrassed to ask now. Still, a looker she is.
Carer: [From kitchen] Two sugars wasn’t it Harry love?
Harry: Yes. Two to keep me sweet. [To audience] Bloody legs. Time was, I’d have chased her round the kitchen. Before I met Alice that is. One woman man since then.
-[Carer enters carrying tray which she puts down on side table next to Harry.]
Carer: There you are love. Pork and veg. Looks nice.
Mr Lauder: [Poking at food] Hum. [To audience] What am I supposed to do with this? Suck it? Getting old is a real bugger you know. I sometimes wonder why I bother.
Carer: What me to cut it up Harry?
Mr Lauder: What? Aye. Go on then. Looks a bit tough. [To audience – throughout this speech Harry pauses several times to reflect and pick at food.] Pork, our Alice never let me have pork. Said it gave me indigestion. Not that I ever let it go in front of her. What do they call ‘em these days? Ladettes is it? Seen ‘em on the telly. Not our Alice. Oh no. Forever the lady that one. Still, she did like a bit of the other when we had the time. In fact she was a bit of a goer for a while. Mind, I’m not complaining, loved every minute. There was one time we were looking at renting a house. Five Rose Street it was, just down from the butchers. Well, the landlord had lent us the key to have a look round like. Alice, she just wanted to try out the bedroom. Well I wasn’t going to stop her. She fairly raced up the stairs. God. Her legs from behind. Anyway…
Carer: Had enough Harry?
Mr. Lauder: Yes. Not up to much today love. Meat gets stuck in my teeth. [To audience] Next bit of the routine now. Listen to this.
Carer: Time to get you to the loo now Harry love.
Mr Lauder: [To audience] Taken to the bloody loo. I don’t even know her name.
-[Harry struggles to his feet with help of carer and they leave through door, stage right. Chat as they’re leaving and from off stage.]
Carer: Come on now. That’s it Harry. Small steps.
Harry: I know, I know.
Carer: There we are. There now.
-[Sounds of rustling, sighs, grunts etc.
-Carer returns alone, collects tray of food. Stops to face audience.]
Carer: He’s a love you know. Doesn’t remember my name from one day to the next. But he doesn’t complain like some of them. Some of them are real hard work – need putting in their place, I can tell you. This one, no trouble. He’s got no life you know. Just sits there all day. God knows what he thinks about. Nothing probably. God, can you imagine getting like this. I’d rather die.
-[Takes tray to kitchen. Returns to collect Harry from toilet.]
Harry: [back in chair] Thanks love. [To audience – sing song voice] See you in a couple of hours then.
Carer: See you in a couple of hours then.
Harry: [To audience] Behave.
Carer: Behave.
Harry: See you love.
-[Carer leaves.]
Harry: Bloody legs on that. If I were in me prime…..
Close.
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Written by Clifftown (642 comments posted) 31st October 2006 |
You could write what I know about scripting on the back of a postage stamp, but I liked this and could "see" it being performed as I read it. I think this was because of how well you set the scene at the beginning.
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3433 comments posted) 31st October 2006 |
I know what you mean,phil. there's no point spending ages formatting it if it's no good. I've got the same dilemma with a piece. Trouble is because it's so short there's not much to go on. What's there reads well. The dialogue sounds naturalistic and genuine and hints a bond of sorts between the characters. The man has all the best stuff and the girl is little more than a cypher but then if he is the main character in the piece that's fair enough. You set things up well and the formatting is clear enough. Well you've set things up,what about a story?
cheers
BBS |
Written by Phil (6828 comments posted) 31st October 2006 |
Thanks Cliff(?) You could write what I know on the back of a postage stamp too.
Thanks Jane. If it's reasonable enough I might give it a go. You're right. Formatting this stuff when you can't copy straight from Word is a pain. Still, others have done it.
All the best,
Phil. |
Bull's Eye!
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 31st October 2006 |
Phil, you have hit the nail squarely on the head when you say direct formatting can be a pain. Frankly that's why so many can't be bothered to do it. But that is what scripting is all about. Format. Its a mode of communication in exactly the same way as is say, poetry, but rather directing the spoken word. Trouble is some seem to think it is just the same as prose writing and dump any old ragbag on the page and call it a script. Just look at the baleful quality of some of the stuff around you to see what I mean. It doesn't need me to tell you non scripted 'scripts' usually turn out sloppy, slovenly and read like a laundry list. I am aware this a hobby horse of mine but you have no idea how much it makes me cringe to see a so called script that is no more than sicked up reconstituted prose. It insults the reader and broadcasts that either the writer is congenitally inept; or, worse, unconcerned at failing to address his/her audience in the manner ostensibly chosen.
That said my hat off to you for avoiding all of that with a really sound first effort. The material may well be thin as Jane has hinted, but by virtue of formatting your idea you have been forced a) to confront this; and b) to focus on delivery which for me is an achievement in itself. Yes it does take time and effort to produce a script. Yes scripting is different from writing prose. But achieving quality in writing takes patience and attention to detail and the pursuit of mindless quantity is all too evident as its absolute converse. Learn to script, Phil.See how effortlessly Bagheera seems to do it. No wonder he wins prizes. Once learnt it will provide you with an instictive mindset from which to captivate your readers in a way no other literary medium can match. Its no accident that the most lauded master of English worldwide was a playwright.
Well done Phil.
Slan! |
Hi Phil
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 1st November 2006 |
You're right, formatting scripts directly onto the site is a trifle tedious! For what it's worth, I thought this was easy on the eye, the way you've chosen to format didn't interfere with the dialogue for me. On the subject of dialogue, I thought it was great, as Jane says, very genuine. I reckon it's definitely worth continuing, it'll be interesting to see what more we find out about the characters and what you've got planned for them.
Elli |
Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 1st November 2006 |
Hey Phil, know nothing about scripting, although have tried to have a bash myself, it's pretty tricky! Anyway, i thought the concept of the piece was great and think it'd be worth developing further. I think this could be a very intriguing piece should you give it the chance. The characters talking to the audience i found a bit hard to picture, or get into, but perhaps in the flow of a longer piece it will sit very comfortably.
Will look forward to reading more  |
Hi Phil
Written by woody44 (777 comments posted) 1st November 2006 |
I too liked this. You obviously have an empathy for (or is that with) your characters, and this comes out in the unforced dialogue. At least one of your players, from the evidence of this short piece, is a sympathetic character, which is important when engaging your readers.(Sorry if you know all this Phil - just tell me to shut up) You have got the building blocks for a good story here, now all you need to do is build the house. I look forward to seeing more.
happy writing
Woody |
Written by Phil (6828 comments posted) 1st November 2006 |
Thanks Woody, Gill, Elli and especially Gerard for your constructive comments. They really do help.
All the best,
Phil. |
Written by coosh (887 comments posted) 1st November 2006 |
Just noticed this, and enjoyed it very much. You seem to have received a pretty comprehensive and constructive set of reviews already, but anyway... coming from the "bugger-all-knowledge-about-scripting" camp, I thought the layout/format made it very easy to follow. A
Although I'd read the Short Story before, I enjoyed the way these characters came to life, as it were - I think the way they communicate their personal thoughts directly to the audience works well, and provides an entertaining added dimension, which I could picture happening in a theatre. All in all, now you've tested the water, I reckon it's time to dive in and develop the start you've made here. Cheers. |
Written by Talisker (1328 comments posted) 2nd November 2006 |
I really like this Phil - Its like a well scripted sitcom piece I would say. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it, and there is ample direction for the reader. That said, I bow gracefully to Gerard and others who know the drama/scripting thing.
I haven't read the short story prequel - is this supposed to be "the" Harry Lauder? as in Sir Harry Lauder of Scottish stage infamy? Perhaps not.
Oli |
Written by Phil (6828 comments posted) 2nd November 2006 |
Thanks Coosh and Oli.
Oli - No, Lauder is just the name of my paternal grandmother. (From Glasgow - I think) It honestly didn't occur to me that I'd chosen the name of a famous Scot. You know I'm not the best linking names to faces from past experiences in my reviews. If I continue with this I'll have to change it.
All the best,
Phil. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 3rd November 2006 |
I read this some time ago and thought that I had commented on it. Now I see that I did not -- oh dear!
My only objection to this was that it was too short. Just as you seemed to have gotten started, you were finished. I wanted to see more interaction between Harry and the carer; I liked the way Harry could predict what she was going to say, and the fact that the carer seemed oblivious to this. I think you could have done a little more with that. It would be nice to have the carer, at some point, realizing that Harry doesn't just sit there all day thinking about nothing in particular. But then perhaps that is expecting too much of her. . . |
Written by Josie (2823 comments posted) 7th November 2006 |
| Phil, the number of reviews drew me to your script. I was not disappointed and want to applaud you on your really good first effort at script writing. I could imagine this being performed quite easily, But I guess that inside we all hope that we never get to the day when our meal will be put before us in this way and we have to be helped to the toilet. Worst of all is the speaking in the sing songing voice as if speaking to a child. God preserve us from this! |
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