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Shorts
The Casket
By peeano1
31 October 2006
Many legends and tales have been told of the casket. In a small village, children fear the stories being told of the casket. Adults discourage the thought of visiting the casket but one group of teenagers discover the harsh way when they discover their worst nightmare.


   As little children, we were told of the dark mysteries of the casket. Many tales that surrounded it told of a young woman who found herself in a treacherous path that cursed her for the remaining years of her life. Some said that her husband had abandoned her and the landmaster cruelly dealt the woman with harsh punishments after her husband left. Her soul and spirit were left behind when she died and trapped within the boundaries of a small casket. Legends say that anyone who dares to open the casket will suffer the rest of their years in doom and misery.
   Of course, we as young teenagers, we didn't believe the story of the woman. As night settled in, all of us would hang around the outside edges of the marshes, where the casket was said to be buried but neither of us dared to make the journey.
   Around the town in which all of us lived, we had enjoyed the ease and relaxation our lives brought to us. However, one day, Tommy, who was part of the group we had formed, suggested that we prove that the tales about the casket were false.
   All of us agreed, from Little Suzie to Big Bobby. The youngest of us was thirteen years of age so we didn't have a problem sneeking out at night. This was to be the perfect way to show everybody else that the legends only spoke of lies.
   On the night of October, all of us met at the designated place and we began the long way through the marshes of Louisiana. A thrilling sensation crept up inside all of us and we giggled a bit as we walked. The cool wind whipped through our hair and stung our faces with such oppressive force.
   Finally, we found the place where the casket was buried and began digging. We dug carelessly and went deeper and deeper. Evidently the person who buried the casket did not want anybody digging it up again. More dirt flew out and at last, the casket was to be seen several feet below. As we peered down at it, nervous shivers crawled up our spines.
   Looking at each other, we grinned and hauled the casket to the ground in front of us. The casket creaked a bit as it landed on the soft dirt. Wiping the dirt away, we paused for a moment.
   "Well, why don't you open it?" Tommy questioned.
   Not knowing what to do, we stood still. Doubt was beginning to replace the excitement we had just moments before.
   "I'm not too sure about this", Little Suzie began.
   "Me too", Big Bobby added.
   "Come on guys. We've been through all this and now we don't even want to open it. This is nonsense!" Tommy exclaimed.
   Still, nobody said a word. Fear was now creeping upon us.
   Impatiently, Tommy stepped in front of us and turned around.
   "Guys, this is the turning point of our lives. Once we prove that this casket thing is a total fake, those stupid legends will disappear. We can live our lives without being bombarded by those dumb legends the older folks talk about."
   His confident tone gave reassurance to the group. Slowly we nodded our heads and approached the casket. One by one, we opened the casket slightly.
   Tommy then kicked off the lid and grinned widely. Inside, there was nothing in the casket but a few cobwebs.
   "See what I mean! There's nothing-" He paused.
   Just then, a blinding light tore us apart. We were pushed to the ground and found the pieces of the casket scattered everywhere. Shivering, everybody glanced at each other in horror.
   Suddenly, a white floating figure came towards us. None of the group could speak. It resembled the shape of a woman and as we craned our necks to see, we could tell that her face was abnormally strange.
   There were no face features on the woman except for some signs of cheekbones. Her hair was swaying with the flow of the wind. By now, she was floating right in front of us. With a wave of her hand, lightning struck again and we found ourselves being dragged towards the hole we had dug.
   Screaming loudly and in a desperate attempt to escape, none of us could do anything. Struggling only made it harder. Everybody's hearts raced faster and faster until it felt that it was going to rip out of our chests. Shouting pleads and protests, the spirit seemed to only find it more amusing.
   Suddenly, the dragging stopped. We wondered if all of us were to be spared. But then, scratching sounds began to arouse and our thoughts raced once more. Horrified to our very guts, our bodies were being dragged faster and faster until we felt everything go dark.
   Many years after, not one single townsperson has dared to cross paths with the casket. Our lives have changed dramatically and in this utter darkness, no one shall remember us or save us from this nightmare.

Reviews

Written by Clifftown (620 comments posted) 31st October 2006
I'm really sorry to criticise your first posting, but to me this needs a lot of work. There isn't nearly enough detail - nothing is very well described and I had trouble with the idea that the casket could be found so easily. You could have made so much more of what happened once the casket was opened and it's unclear as to what actually happened at the end. To me this was more like a rough draft of a story. Believe me, I scare very easily but this had no impact on me at all.  
 
As I say, I'm sorry to criticise and obviously it's just my opinion - I hope you find it helpful.
Right then ...
Written by johniebg (538 comments posted) 1st November 2006
Well considering you're still at school then this is really cool. This is a nice idea for a story, I like the description of the walk through the marshes and of the ghost thing a lot. You have a nice flow despite there being several things that do jar as a reader. 
 
So ... the structure could be improved to make the readers journey easier, for instance you talk about standing near the spot where it was meant to be buried then later describing walking through the marshes to dig it up . So maybe (for my mind) describing how to get there and where it was and then how often you had hung out there would have made it easier, gives it a nice logic in the readers mind. Also what would have been cool is some descrption of how you find it, as any old pirate would tell you, you need clear instructions. I.e. like 20 paces from the gnarly on tree or under the old hangmans post etc etc 
 
I would like to have known more about where they were at the end, so if this was going to be a sequence of connected stories would be interesting in whether anything happens next. 
 
PS Might be worth mentioning your generic age in the notes so that you don't get judged as if an adult writing, which is maybe what clifftown did above. 
 
Keep scribbling, looking forward to more.

Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 2nd November 2006
What Johniebg writes above is very valid constructive criticism. There is the makings of a really good story here and a little work would improve it no end. He's right, if you're still at school, this is a fine effort. We're all here to write and improve. Don't be disheartened by constructive criticism - take it on board for the next time. If we were all perfect we'd have three book deals. 
 
Look forward to your next post, 
 
Phil.

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