Great Writing - Home > Comedy > Medical student
Comedy
Medical student
By Fledermaus
31 October 2006
A first attempt at writing comedy...

We see a dimly lit room. The furniture is rather worn off and on the walls there are posters of horror movies. Through a window we can see flashes of lightning against a dark sky. Two young women wearing pyjamas are sitting on the couch, staring at the television screen which casts a blue glow into the room.
Gloomy music plays (apparantly coming from the television) and for a few moments we just see the two girls watching and getting ever more scared.

Then there's a slow and heavy knock on the door. The women look at eachother, and one (Mona) reluctantly gets up and walks to the door. As she opens it a dark figure enters. Her face is hidden in the shadow of her hood and she doesn't say a word. The woman who let her in staggers back.

Then the figure takes off her coat and she seems to be a blonde girl wearing pink clothes and with a cheerful smile upon her face (Ellis). She's holding a box in one of her hands.

Ellis: Happy Haloween. I brought chocolate.
Mona: Thanks. Just drop your coat uh... somewhere.

Ellis drops her coat on the floor and she and Mona walk to the couch. She sits down between the Mona and the other girl (Jane). For a moment they are staring at the screen, then Jane screams and covers her eyes with her hands. Mona's eyes and mouth open wide and she shrugs back. Ellis is isn't impressed.

Ellis: What a mess. That zombie sure needs to practice his incisions.

They keep on watching. After a few seconds the scene is repeated.

Ellis: That's not where the aorta is located. He only pierced his windpipe. He should be alive for at least five more minutes.

The other girls just look at Ellis and they go on watching until the scene is repeated once again

Ellis: Well, that's some way to separate the brain's hemispheres. Not very subtle, but if he wasn't dead, he'd make a nice test subject.

They continue watching and Mona and Jane are again frightened by one of the scenes. Ellis frowns.

Ellis: Ouch. That skelleton was suffering from a hernia in the intervertebral disc. That must hurt.

Then a more cheerful tune starts playing, and Mona and Jane are obviously relieved. The camera turns and we see how the main characters of the horror movie are lying in a bed and kissing eachother.

Ellis: What are they doing? This is disgusting! They just met eachother and he isn't even wearing protection. Horrible!

Reviews

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (5077 comments posted) 31st October 2006
I give you credit for trying something "off the wall" it's clearly laid out with a good mix of action and dialogue. It reads like a quick sketch and it's obviously setting up a funny twist at the end but I didn't think it worked. I'm not sure if it just wasn't funny enough or not delivered as well as it could. It's not that it was't funny but it fell a bit flat. Just my reaction to it 
cheers 
BBS

Written by Fledermaus (4146 comments posted) 1st November 2006
Thanks BBS. 
I guess writing comedy isn't something I'm good at... 
The main idea came from the way some friends react to TV programmes: They absolutely love scary and violent movies, but they get sick when they see a programme about surgery. 
 
Somehow I still think the idea could be funny, but that I'm just not the person to write it down ;)
Hi fledermaus
Written by ellipinnock (1816 comments posted) 1st November 2006
I'm afraid I have to agree with BBS in that it fell flat a bit for me. That said, the structure is fine, and I generally like the way you write. I don't think its necessarily that you're not good at comedy, maybe this just wasn't the idea for you. I felt like the gag was overstretched a bit and needed some backup! 
 
Elli

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (5077 comments posted) 1st November 2006
I didn't mean to say it wasn't funny, the chat was quickfire and funny and I did get teh point. The trouble is what seems really funny in your head just doesn't always translate onto the page. I know from my own experience. I think this was a case in point, you make a good point here but I don't think there was enough humour in it and if the gags not there not even Woody Allen could save it.  
Don't give up on the humour there's so little of it on the site just now 
cheers 
BBS

Written by Fledermaus (4146 comments posted) 1st November 2006
Thanks Elly and thanks again BBS. 
But I am afraid that BBS is very much right here: 
 
"what seems really funny in your head just doesn't always translate onto the page." 
 
Seems writing comedy is much harder than I thought :grin

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

 Previous item   Next item