Back to playing tennis with the net down for this one :)
Still a work in progress
Ice white swans in flight,
flashing overhead, carving
sinuous trails across the sky.
Lithe bubbles
blowing
in the wind,
reflected in the frozen glass below.
A blow comes
and the flock
fractures,
shards discarded in the wind,
a whirring, collapsing kaleidoscope
skittering heavenwards.
Swooping, wheeling, random
aimless.
Sweeping spirals homing in
on their current
infatuation.
I shudder and leave
my frown in that mirror,
still searching
for
a perfect flock,
pure, white, wild, abandonment
finding instead its nemesis
equal, opposite
cool, clear and confident
serene and wild
and
content.
Black swan.
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Written by Phil (6836 comments posted) 1st November 2006 |
Elli, there's something about this that draws me in. I think perhaps it's the very effective way you 'paint' the picture. I really liked this. The words were beautifully put together. Now, this is probably down to my dimness and not your writing; I saw the contrast in the end, but I don't think I took away from this all that you intended. All the best, Phil. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3445 comments posted) 1st November 2006 |
I can only echo what Phil said I was really drawn into this and read it a few times over, you not only create vivid images but also a strange atmosphere.I cannot comment on it as a poem but as a piece of writing it was strangely affecting cheers BBS |
Written by JourneyAtNight (314 comments posted) 1st November 2006 |
I too found this captivating, there's something about the way you've arranged the words that pulls the reader in - it just flows so well, and in a oddly enchanting way. The images you've created are beautiful too. I liked this lots. Take care x
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Written by francoise (129 comments posted) 1st November 2006 |
Agree with what everyone else has said, captivating.. I envy the way in which you capture such broad feelings with limited words and with one central image. Great piece I've had a look at all of your work in poetry today and you really do write beautifully. I could learn alot from you! All the Best Fran |
HI Elli Written by jean.day (2326 comments posted) 1st November 2006 |
Such beautiful images - I was going to pick out which bits I particularly liked, and I think it is all just wonderful. You do have a way too taking words and making them into so much more - As several others have said, I am not quite sure about leaving your frown on the mirror - and seeing black swans when you are looking for white, but then deciding that the black ones have a beauty of their own - but perhaps each of us can interpret that in our own way. That is the beauty of poetry. |
Elli P - Marry Me! (2nd try) Written by Talisker (1328 comments posted) 2nd November 2006 |
Just lovely. Oli |
Thanks Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 2nd November 2006 |
to everyone for your kind comments. I think this still needs some work to carry off what it was supposed to i.e. the intertwining of the images of swans flying over a frozen lake and a girl looking into a mirror, have tweaked a little may tweak some more later Cheers again Elli |
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