Following Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s recent unsuccessful attempt to convert the British government to using Kabbalah water as a means of combating nuclear waste, the couple have now turned their attention to the French authorities. In a country with 59 nuclear reactors and 33 camembert manufacturers, hazardous, toxic residue has become a sore point for the nation.

A spokesman for the French Ministry of Radioactivity described the pair’s behaviour as “Oh, Tittie”. “We are already up to our ears wiz GreenPiss. Ziss is just anuzzer Eau de Bollocks,” he said, demonstrating his usual suave Gallic charm.

In his opinion, Madonna had an inaccurate conception.

“Zee English ‘ave tested ziss product on zee beetch in Brighton. And she still sinks she can act,” he said, gradually turning into a German.

He went on to explain zat French buffins ‘ad already developed a perfectly safe antidote to uranium using certain elements found in garlic.
“I ‘ave bin working wiz nuclear energy all my life and ‘ave never dizplayed any strange side-effects. ‘Ave you ever ‘eard a jackdaw sneeze on a winter morning in a graveyard in Burgundy? Zen you’ll know where I’m coming from. Sank ‘evvens for little birds, eh.”

Madonna’s water follows in a long line of so-called magical, eco-friendly remedies. Austrian scientists recently revealed that large quantities of dandruff could be used to tame unprovoked aggression in blackbirds. Naomi Campbell has become a guinea pig. Although breeding emus to eliminate Parkinsons still remains unsuccessful, the recycling of Cher will provide enough Tupperware for a small town in Mozambique.

At the launch of his latest album, “Syrup In The Wind”, Elton John was critical of Madonna. “It never ceases to amaze me how celebrities waste their time and money on ventures that will never succeed,” said the former chairman of Watford football club.

The French remain adamant that the environment takes priority over financial concerns at all times.
“In my country,” said the spokesman, who pursued us on his Segway for most of the week-end, “Zee frogs may be crazy, but we still ‘ave zee lowest electricity prices in Europe.”