[INTERIOR. TANIA IS A YOUNG, ATTRACTIVE ASSISTANT SERVING AN ENGLISH MALE CUSTOMER AT THE COUNTER OF A COSTA COFFEE-TYPE CAFE.
SHE MAINTAINS A DEADPAN, STONE-FACED EXPRESSION THROUGHOUT THE SKETCH, AND DELIVERS ALL LINES WITH AN EFFICIENT, STACCATO, MACHINE-GUN-LIKE EASTERN EUROPEAN ACCENT, ROLLING HER “R’s”.
THE MALE CUSTOMER IS A MIDDLE AGED, MIDDLE MANAGEMENT TYPE GUY DRESSED IN A SUIT.
BEHIND TANIA, SEVERAL OTHER ASSISTANTS MOVE AROUND, IN AND OUT OF CAMERA SHOT, LOOKING BUSY, DOING COFFEE-BAR THINGS, ADJUSTING THE ESPRESSO MACHINE, STACKING SAUCERS, ETC. THEY ARE ALL (INCLUDING TANIA) DRESSED IN THE SAME COMPANY UNIFORMS]
TANIA [READY WITH ORDER PAD AND PEN]: Yes?
MAN: Coffee, please.
TANIA: Espresso, Latte, Americano, Macchiato, Cappuccino…
MAN: Yes, please.
TANIA: Which you want?
MAN: The third one.
TANIA: Decaff, Skimmy, Soya, Mocha.
MAN: All right.
TANIA: Wet or dry?
MAN: Would a dry coffee make less mess if I spilt it?
TANIA [SIGHS]: It means you want big froth….
[BIG HAND GESTURE LIKE SHE’S HOLDING AN IMAGINARY BEACH BALL]
or small froth.
[USING HER THUMB AND INDEX FINGER, AS IF DESCRIBING A HALF-INCH PENIS]
MAN: I know what it means. Shall we say that was just my British sense of humour.
TANIA: What?
MAN: Sarcasm. Irony. We sometimes say things here with a straight face for comic effect.
TANIA: Yes. We sometimes do same thing in my country. Whisper cinnamon?
MAN [WHISPERING]: Cinnamon.
TANIA: Pardon?
MAN: Sorry, yes please. I’ll have a whisper of cinnamon.
TANIA: Ah! British sense of humour again. Very good. How you say – “Crack me
up”. Take in, eat out?
MAN: Eat out. I mean, I'll have it to take away.
TANIA: You want to hear my dream?
MAN: Pardon?
TANIA: My dream. From last night. You want to hear it?
MAN: Why?
TANIA: While you wait, you can twiddle fingers and watch Pascal, Chico and Monica make your coffee, or you can hear my dream. Which you prefer?
MAN: Is the coffee going to take that long?
TANIA: Maybe. Monica has gone to toilet with cystitis. She is only one who do cinnamon.
MAN: Right. Sorry, no, I have a very complex problem I need to solve rather urgently.
TANIA: What is problem? Maybe I can help.
MAN: I doubt it. [TAKING TWO BOTTLES OF PILLS OUT OF HIS POCKET AND HOLDING UP ONE IN EACH HAND] Unless you can tell me which one of these is for cardiac disease and which one is for athlete’s foot.
TANIA [POINTING TO ONE OF THE BOTTLES]: That is for cardiac.
MAN [MOCKING]: Are you sure?
TANIA: Course I’m bloody sure. In my country I am qualified heart surgeon. Right, now I tell you my dream.
MAN: What about the coffee?
TANIA: Coffee is coming. We are very busy at moment. Look, you want to hear my fucking dream or not?
MAN: Oh, it’s your fucking dream. You should have said. Don’t let me stop you.
TANIA: OK. You know old bakery next to big shipyard in Kiev?
MAN: No.
TANIA: Then dream will make no sense.
MAN: Ah.
TANIA: You need fundamental knowledge of port area of Kiev to understand dream. Plus nearby petroleum refinery.
MAN: What a pity.
TANIA: Yes. Big pity. It was riveting dream. In that case I tell you Ukrainian joke instead.
MAN: Careful. You might kill me.
TANIA: Perhaps. Right. Two tractors talking to each other in shed on chicken farm…
[MAN SUDDENLY CLUTCHES HIS CHEST, WITH EXPRESSION OF PANIC]
MAN: Oh, my God!
TANIA: No. That is not funny part of joke. [AS AN AFTERTHOUGHT] Although talking tractor is certainly very amusing concept.
MAN [STAGGERING HELPLESSLY]: Jesus! I’m having a heart attack…
TANIA [EXPRESSION CHANGES TO THAT OF SUDDEN REALISATION. NODS HER
HEAD KNOWINGLY]: Ah, I understand.
MAN: No, I really am-
TANIA: Very good. I could use you for demonstration at university hospital.
[ONE OF TANIA’S COLLEAGUES APPEARS ALONGSIDE HER, TO HER RIGHT, HOLDING A JAR LABELLED “CINNAMON”. THE TWO GIRLS LEAN OVER THE COUNTER, SIDE BY SIDE, AND WATCH THE MAN COLLAPSE TO HIS FINAL SPLUTTER OFF-CAMERA]
MAN: Aargh!
[TANIA THROWS UP HER ARMS IN GESTURE OF GIVING UP. SHE TURNS RIGHT TO WALK OFF, AND PUTS HER LEFT ARM AROUND THE OTHER GIRL’S SHOULDER, TO LEAD HER AWAY]
TANIA: Don’t pay any attention, Monica. Just fucking British sense of humour. Now, please, come and tell me about your cystitis.
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Marvellous!
Written by Clifftown (619 comments posted) 3rd November 2006 |
As I said before, I can't really offer any constructive criticism as the others clearly can. But again, I thought this was absolutely brilliant. Your comedy scripts just seem to get better and better and it seems to me to be such a hard genre to "get it right". You seem to do it effortlessly.
"Maybe. Monica has gone to toilet with cystitis. She is only one who do cinnamon..." - excellent line!
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Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 3rd November 2006 |
This has a humor that is almost surreal. When Tania tells the customer that she is a qualified heart surgeon this suddenly becomes more than just a funny dialogue between a foreigner and a Brit. And Tania's final triumph is brilliant.
One tiny quibble: there is no oral medication I can think of to treat athlete's foot. How about an antihistamine or antacid instead? |
Written by Phil (6617 comments posted) 3rd November 2006 |
Really enjoyed this Coosh, particularly the line about cystitis. Built to a clever end.
All the best,
Phil. |
Ditto
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 3rd November 2006 |
Yep, I think you've pulled off another good piece here cooshy baby. keeps the interest throughout. You also managed to get her 'accent' without altering word spelling, just omitting the the's and the a's, which was clever.
Enjoyed it.
Givitsum |
Written by coosh (842 comments posted) 4th November 2006 |
No worries, Clifftown, your enthusiasm is great encouragement in itself. Yeah, catering is a good area for coming up with those kinds of lines. Thanks for the much appreciated response.
Your observations are interesting Witzl (as always). Part of the idea for this came from a Polish waitress a long time back. I remember her stood in this cafe, hectic lunchtime, and she had completely lost track of this long and complicated order, and right in the middle of all this chaos she suddenly stopped, turned to one of her colleagues and said "Remind me to tell you about that dream I had last night". Talk about crisis management! I thought it was so great, I went back to the cafe every day for two weeks just to watch and talk to and listen to her. Until she got sacked.
Yeah, I worked a fair stretch as a waiter. There were never any British waiting staff (up the West End) because unlike France/Italy, we consider it a flunky job rather than a profession. Some of the waiters/waitresses (particularly going back to the Soviet Union days) were highly qualified people; so you'd end up with the bizarre situation of some British chav being served by a qualified civil engineer or something.
Thanks for clearing up the athlete's foot, these details are important. I don't know what I pay my ample-chested, scantily-clad female Scandinavian researcher all this money for....
Cheers, Phil - hadn't thought of cystitis being funny till I did this. Your feedback is always much appreciated.
And thanks to you Givitsum - I know in Polish there are no articles (which is often reflected in their English) - I think Ukrainian is similar in that respect (he said poncily) - there's a great comedy actress around at the moment (I think she's from the Ukraine) - played one of the prostitutes in the sitcom "Respectable" - there's a lot of comedy juice in the accent.
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He he!
Written by JourneyAtNight (314 comments posted) 4th November 2006 |
Fantastic! Had me laughing out loud. You developed this really well and I too really loved the cystitis line.
Nice one coosh.
Take care x |
Written by coosh (842 comments posted) 5th November 2006 |
Thanks for your very positive reaction JourneyAtNight. The comedy value of cystitis has taken on a dimension I had never imagined.
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3285 comments posted) 6th November 2006 |
Great piece of comedy; this worked on quite a few levels. I loved the attitude of Tania and her dead-pan delivery, I suppose it was a tad one-sided with Tania getting all the killer lines but that didn't detract from the humour which was really spot on.
I was in coffee costa on saturday and served by Chinese girl who got so irritated because I couldn't understand her immediately. I ended up with just anything to get away- so this really made me smile
cheers
BBS |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 6th November 2006 |
How I wish I had met that Polish waitress!
I once had to teach a group of Chinese refugees a course called 'Janitorial Skills.' They were all profoundly bored by and unimpressed with my teaching, for perfectly good reasons. One day I asked them if they had any questions and one of them immediately raised his hand, his face alive with interest. 'Can you please explain American Electoral College System?' he wanted to know. After the class I asked another teacher about him and found that he had been an attorney in Cambodia, and a PhD candidate. And there he was being taught about industrial cleaners and ideal room temperatures by a callow grad student. |
Written by coosh (842 comments posted) 6th November 2006 |
| Thank you, BBS. There seems to be a whole little culture in itself with the staff behind those coffee bars. True, should work a bit more on the "straighter" characters. Glad you enjoyed it, and that you managed to get something to drink in the end. |
Written by coosh (842 comments posted) 6th November 2006 |
| That's a nice story, Witzl. Now, "Janitorial Studies for Chinese Refugees", that's quite a specific course title. We should get that on some university curriculum here, eventually.... with a whole range of other nationality options. |
Fabulous, just fabulous...
Written by Talisker (1315 comments posted) 9th November 2006 |
To my mind, this is much funnier than anything on the telly of late - Little Britain, Lead Balloon, Tait, any of 'em!
Coosh, it is a travesty that you have not a wider audience. What about putting together a fringe show or something???
Oli  |
Written by coosh (842 comments posted) 10th November 2006 |
| Thank you, Oli. Well you've certainly fed me ego for the day.... but I think all that stuff would be punching a bit above my own weight. Just a case of continuing to "practise" as it were, and trying to improve the level and consistency. Many thanks. Will PM you. |
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 14th November 2006 |
Just fantastically funny...nothing else remotely sensible to add really so I'll just say 
Elli |
Written by coosh (842 comments posted) 15th November 2006 |
| Very kind of you, Elli. "Non-sensible" is fine as well; it's not a concept alien to my own reviews. Cheers. |
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