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Poetry


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Laughing Hearts

By JourneyAtNight

04 November 2006

For my best friend. We've known each other since childhood.

I only just wrote this today, it's still a working progress, so I would really appreciate any comments - be as brutal as you need to!

x

Laughing hearts
Echoing,
Sending ripples of joy
Across the bliss of
Naïve waters.

Swimming in dreams,
Wild, impossible.
Dropping secrets, hopes
Together watching them fall
To the sandy bottom
Hidden to all
But us.

On occasion diving down
With a spray of memory.
Breaths held,
Sneaking a look amidst
Swaying reeds tickling our emotions
Shingle - falling through our fingers.
Like time.

Surfacing from the pool of youth
Inhaling the inevitable.
Now you've gone away
Responsibility beckons
As we move with the current.
Life is waiting.

But no matter where we drift to
We are tied.
The line of friendship
Strong,
Taut with love,
Entiwined with our laughter.

Reviews

Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 4th November 2006

This tells of your friendship well. I liked it for its simplicity.

All the best,

Phil.

Written by shakermaker (48 comments posted) 4th November 2006

Agreed with Phil. Simple and effective.Sounds "fresh" to me...Like a cool breeze brushing your face on a hot summers day.

Written by JourneyAtNight (314 comments posted) 4th November 2006

Thankyou to you both, but to be honest, reading over it again, I'm not sure I like it! Ha ha! It doesn't really flow, and it's a little too corny for the person that it's about. Hmmm...

Will have to give it a make-over I think.

Thanks for your thoughts though, I'm glad you got a positive vibe from it!

J.A.N x

Thoroughly fine...
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 5th November 2006

I put this in your "something I had to write, even though its a bit half-baked" folder. I've been writing lots of a similar standard - its the only way to open a seam to the golden stuff.

Not among your very best, yet still thoughtful and skillful enough to be worth writing (and reading).

Regards
Oli

Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 7th November 2006

I thought there were some strong elements to this poem. You tread the wrong side of cliche at times i.e. 'ripples of joy' but if you edited some of these out then I think you'd find it came across less corny. Just be careful not to lose the good bits of which there are lots!

Elli

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