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Shorts
The Long Walk
By johniebg
05 November 2006
The remit was for 500 words and a nefarious act explained from the perpetrators perspective, comments very welcome.

Wires connect us, straps bind this burden around my shoulders, my left hand cradles this manufacturer of white noise. My name is Ibrahim and my life is the five pillars. My friend wait, listen, words are precious.

Morning's darkness closes about me, each step upon this wet pavement draws me closer, only man's light skips reflected at my feet.

The grilled gates of the tube are open and I step through, descending down. On the platform cued air molests my quilted form, eagerly foraging through every crease, caressing that which I carry.

I step into the bright aluminium coffin, yellow polls and weary fabric. Recorded female makes announcement and we jerk onwards. Just a few sullen faces now, heavy of eye, hair at war, almost unaware in daydream's twilight, automatons. Soon we will reach life's destination, a great wave in a busy water.

Why would I be this messenger my friend? Do you think I am different from you? If you were a crying voice, unheard in the vast darkness, would you not scream?

Aluminium doors slide open and I step through. Faces pass me, young and sure, wise and hopeful, their number increasing. I wonder for their parents, their children, who do they share these lives with? What is my right? To deprive from so many, not only those stood within a screams echo.

Morning's cold air embraces me. Grey prevails, pink and orange mingle hopeful in the far cloud. Just two more streets then down to destination's finale. So many people, all homo sapien wearing different coloured skin, draped in clothes that speak of far off lands, and of here.

One last step, I look back, goodbye for this time.

Would this be a life's ambition? To leave a lonely wife, my beautiful! Whose hands I still feel cradling my face, tears dripping from her porcelain chin. DO you think I would make lonely my wide-eyed angels, deprive them of this frame for which they climb and laugh, secure. A sound that torments now. I squeeze onto the platform, my manufacturer of white noise clasped tenderly in my hand.

Our voice needs to be heard, to shake these from their slumber and bellow 'Wake UP! Pay Attention!' I know what I do will be contorted by screens emblazoned; 'war on terror'. My friend! A few will look up, they will pay attention and wonder 'why?' Look beyond the brainwashed faces contorted over burning flags, past the misinterpreted words of our great prophet spat by men with close eyes and faces framed by chaotic fluff. 'This is bad!' You say so! Well ask yourself my dear lady, why is it you have a voice in this very country? Do you think this happened by chance? What about your Christian neighbours of Ireland, sitting in your parliament? They are valid voice for a nation, soldiers that fought a bloody war, blood spilt for this voice. Do not believe all you have been told!

I have trouble getting into this coffin, so many people. Sharp suits and disinterested faces, I move to the centre of this place. All manner of skin in here, eyes scan the written word, upturned faces unaware. This is at an end.

Reviews

Written by Phil (6851 comments posted) 5th November 2006
For me, this is quality writing. From start to finish I was there. You have a real talent for writing in the first person. 
 
I'm probably not the only one who has ever asked themselves, 'How can they do it?' Although this excuses nothing, they are at root murdering bastards, it does enter into the mind of a desperate person. 
 
Great writing. 
 
All the best, 
 
Phil.

Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 6th November 2006
Not an easy thing to do, really -- putting a human face on terrorism -- and like Phil, I still feel that what terrorists do is unexcusable. But that doesn't take away from the quality of your writing. I also found this believable and compelling.

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3459 comments posted) 6th November 2006
I found this a riveting read It was well paced and quite believeable . No-one believes themselves to be a monster or just evil, all have their reasons however twisted and perverted. I think you brouht this out well. it was a difficult subject to cover and you carried it off well with some superb writing 
cheers 
BBS

Written by pravoxian (6 comments posted) 6th November 2006
A story written from the eyes of a terrorist,a first.The best part is I can believe that these are the things he would think of,his justification,his memories,his loves.All real things that one think about before killing oneself.
Many thanks
Written by johniebg (553 comments posted) 7th November 2006
For all these comments. Its good to see that all the pondering into what someone doing this actually might think paid off. Ultimately I think that we are all human with primarily the same instincts, its only the additional layering of life that can alter this, and is why what is closest to him is what is closest to all of us. 
 
I got the idea for this reading ellipinnock's wonderful poem 'jihad' written on the 12 September where she muses on whether she might not have a different opinion of world affairs if she had been born elsewhere. 
 
So many thanks for the feedback and here is to bliss in scribbling.
Hi Johnnie
Written by ellipinnock (1753 comments posted) 7th November 2006
Thanks for the review, thought I'd mosey on over and return the compliment :) 
 
This is, to my mind, interesting and well-written, I guess we'll never know how true it is! It's a hard thing to pull off and this is as good an attempt as any. Not my favourite of your pieces but then that's probably because it's particularly uncomfortable which I guess is the point......(sticks her foot down her throat :) ) Compelling reading for me as well. 
 
Elli
Just seen this...
Written by Clifftown (642 comments posted) 8th November 2006
...and had to write a quick review! Seems others have said it all before me; I felt as though I was actually there in this person's mind the whole way through. The length of this piece was very effective, I suppose a remit of 500 words forces you to ensure each word counts. You certainly did this; a really powerful piece of writing.
The Long Walk
Written by uche (44 comments posted) 7th June 2007
simply awe-inspiring!

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